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How would you respond?

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Emotionalhell posted 7/22/2013 17:54 PM

My wayward fiancé & I were having a conversation about his affair . He mentioned that I am just insecure.. I told him trust had been broken & was hurt.... How can I make him understand ?? Wish I'd thought of a better response.

AFrayedKnot posted 7/22/2013 18:03 PM

Welcome to SI. I am sorry you are here. There is tons of information and support here.

The Healing Library is a great place to start. There are FAQs for the WS(wayward spouse) and the BS(betrayed spouse).

In the wayward forum there is a thread called "Things every WS needs to know.". That would be great for you to print out for him.

In the Just Found Out forum there are a few threads that would be good for you to read.
Tactical Primer
Before you say Reconcile
A Great Post for Newbies

There are a lot of them but these are great places to start. Read here post here ask questions here.

painpaingoaway posted 7/22/2013 18:16 PM

Ummmm. What a horrible thing for him to say! Of course you are insecure! He has betrayed you! How does he think he would feel if you had cheated on him????

He does not sound remorseful at all.

Get this book for him to read: "How to help your spouse heal from your affair: a compact manual for the unfaithful" by Linda J. MacDonald

HardenMyHeart posted 7/22/2013 18:33 PM

Welcome to SI. So sorry for what you are going through.

He mentioned that I am just insecure...I told him trust had been broken & was hurt....How can I make him understand ??

That is an odd thing to say to someone that was recently betrayed. What was the context for the remark? Was it just in general, or in reference to him hurting you? If it was the latter, perhaps your fiancé does not believe infidelity is wrong. There are a lot of people these days that see nothing wrong with having sex outside of marriage.

Before getting married, you may want to have a heart to heart with your fiancé to get his views on fidelity to make sure they align with yours. If they don't, you may want to reconsider the marriage. It's difficult to change someone's core beliefs and values. Your fiancés lack of remorse, and compassion for your pain, sound troubling.

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 8:29 PM, July 22nd (Monday)]

BeyondBreaking posted 7/22/2013 21:25 PM

You probably ARE feeling insecure, he probably isn't 100% off on that.

However, the reason why there are insecurities is because he broke trust.

I think this is something he is either going to get, or he won't. There seems to be two camps here...those who get it, and those who don't get it. Blaming you for feeling insecure, and refusing to address why is rug sweeping. It's not okay, and it doesn't sound like R to me.

Emotionalhell posted 7/22/2013 21:51 PM

I appreciate everyone's reply. I feel like his response was a way of taking any responsibility off himself. Guess he will never see how his actions hurt me & I wonder about his idea of infidelity.

HardenMyHeart posted 7/22/2013 22:04 PM

I feel like his response was a way of taking any responsibility off himself.

Stop and look at what you wrote! What does that say about him...affair or otherwise? He is telling you who he is. I'm not judging his actions, just pointing out why he has little compassion for what you are going through. You asked why, and now you have your answer. To have true remorse and compassion would mean accepting responsibility for the damage he caused, taking action to mitigate the suffering he caused you, and reassuring you it would never happen again. Admitting blame for causing someone else's pain is difficult for some. However, those with strong character will take responsibility and try to make things right.

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 10:05 PM, July 22nd (Monday)]

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