Me BS 42 Him WS 44
That is my WH.
I have made so much progress with myself. I have started to focus on me. I am getting stronger. I have found a new interest and I am seeking out more. I generally feel great. I have started exercising and it has helped with my mental state. No more anxiety (Except for the last few days.)
This has also helped my M. My WS and I get along, we can enjoy each other's company, our sex life is great..... until I trigger.
I have had a few triggers lately and I have dealth with them myself. Kinda angry that I was dealing myself but I was making a choice to not confront, do some of the things I talked to my IC about doing when they happen, and they passed.
I was a little angry that he didn't ask how I was doing or notice or think that something could trigger me. I am sure he thought that all was going well so why rock the boat.
On Friday, we were out to dinner with a few couples. We sat opposite each other at the end of the heads of the table. I was able to watch my husband and I triggered during dinner because I was imagining that much what he looked like that night, how he acted, was probably how he behaves in business when he is 'commanding' a table.
It set me off. On the way home, I mentioned it and he flipped. Angry because the evening was ruined. (We were supposed to head to another bar alone to watch some music.) Yada, yada, yada.... You know the drill.
I don't think he gets it. He keeps saying that he doesn't understand it. Doesn't understand my feelings about it etc... My IC has told him and me that it doesn't matter if he understands it. How I feel is just how I feel.
I know you will all say he needs to do more work. It's complicated because it has been discussed extensively. IMHO, he just does not think what he did was an EA. He said they did not speak of feelings or talk deeply etc... To me, it was an EA because it was draining time and energy from us, plus we were not in a good place at the time. And the problem comes down to the definition of an EA.
It is wordsmithing to me. He admits that it took time away. That he should not have done it, that he let himself become friends with her, that they did things together that he hid, BUT he maintains that he didn't have feelings for her that way, they never discussed them etc...
He has been in contact with a polygrapher. He contacted him. He is angry about it because he says he can't believe it has come to this. He did not have sex with her, didn't have feelings for her, but he does admit that the path he was on was a slippery slope.
The problem is that the polygraph may prove he didn't sleep with her, but it does not prove how he felt. You cannot ask any questions about feelings.
And to top it off, I feel like he is doing the polygraph for him and not for me. So he can say "See, I didn't sleep with her, nothing happened!"
BUT something did happen... I felt it at that time. His putting me lowest on the totem pole, his disregarding my feelings about being last and about his business relationship with her. It felt really scary at the time and lonely. And you know what? When dday happened, I discovered that he started hiding parts of their friendship because he didn't want me to think something was going on. Is that not an EA?
I am ready to throw in the towel. I swear. If I was not a stay at home mom and I could support myself financially, I really think I would be out the door!
Thanks for listening!
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...
When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl
"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."