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The Fair Weather WS...

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brokensmile322 posted 7/22/2013 18:45 PM

That is my WH.

I have made so much progress with myself. I have started to focus on me. I am getting stronger. I have found a new interest and I am seeking out more. I generally feel great. I have started exercising and it has helped with my mental state. No more anxiety (Except for the last few days.)

This has also helped my M. My WS and I get along, we can enjoy each other's company, our sex life is great..... until I trigger.

I have had a few triggers lately and I have dealth with them myself. Kinda angry that I was dealing myself but I was making a choice to not confront, do some of the things I talked to my IC about doing when they happen, and they passed.

I was a little angry that he didn't ask how I was doing or notice or think that something could trigger me. I am sure he thought that all was going well so why rock the boat.

On Friday, we were out to dinner with a few couples. We sat opposite each other at the end of the heads of the table. I was able to watch my husband and I triggered during dinner because I was imagining that much what he looked like that night, how he acted, was probably how he behaves in business when he is 'commanding' a table.

It set me off. On the way home, I mentioned it and he flipped. Angry because the evening was ruined. (We were supposed to head to another bar alone to watch some music.) Yada, yada, yada.... You know the drill.

I don't think he gets it. He keeps saying that he doesn't understand it. Doesn't understand my feelings about it etc... My IC has told him and me that it doesn't matter if he understands it. How I feel is just how I feel.

I know you will all say he needs to do more work. It's complicated because it has been discussed extensively. IMHO, he just does not think what he did was an EA. He said they did not speak of feelings or talk deeply etc... To me, it was an EA because it was draining time and energy from us, plus we were not in a good place at the time. And the problem comes down to the definition of an EA.

It is wordsmithing to me. He admits that it took time away. That he should not have done it, that he let himself become friends with her, that they did things together that he hid, BUT he maintains that he didn't have feelings for her that way, they never discussed them etc...

He has been in contact with a polygrapher. He contacted him. He is angry about it because he says he can't believe it has come to this. He did not have sex with her, didn't have feelings for her, but he does admit that the path he was on was a slippery slope.

The problem is that the polygraph may prove he didn't sleep with her, but it does not prove how he felt. You cannot ask any questions about feelings.

And to top it off, I feel like he is doing the polygraph for him and not for me. So he can say "See, I didn't sleep with her, nothing happened!"

BUT something did happen... I felt it at that time. His putting me lowest on the totem pole, his disregarding my feelings about being last and about his business relationship with her. It felt really scary at the time and lonely. And you know what? When dday happened, I discovered that he started hiding parts of their friendship because he didn't want me to think something was going on. Is that not an EA?

I am ready to throw in the towel. I swear. If I was not a stay at home mom and I could support myself financially, I really think I would be out the door!

Thanks for listening!

AFrayedKnot posted 7/22/2013 19:49 PM


blakesteele posted 7/22/2013 21:36 PM


sailorgirl posted 7/22/2013 22:08 PM

His putting me lowest on the totem pole, his disregarding my feelings about being last and about his business relationship with her. It felt really scary at the time and lonely.

EA or not, this behavior is emotionally abusive. Does he get how bad ^^^that hurt? Does he feel remorse for putting you last in his priorities and being dismissive of your feelings? Is that unusual for him?

Why was he acting this way? I agree with you that EA (or more) is the answer. But how does he answer?

[This message edited by sailorgirl at 10:10 PM, July 22nd (Monday)]

brokensmile322 posted 7/23/2013 10:31 AM

You know, he admits that it was wrong. I don't think he understands just HOW hurtful it was to me. In IC, I learned that it hurt more because of my FOO issues. As a child, I was always dismissed, my feelings were not validated and I was pushed aside.

^^This is why, at the time, I was emotionally a wreck. My actions did add to it. I own that. I withdrew and threw myself into my kids. I was not available to him, did not talk much with him about his work or care about it. He has said that he felt like I just didn't care about him. And he would be right. It was a vicious cycle at the time. We were both contributing.

My problem was that I did not have an outlet (i.e. the OW) and he used her to fill his emotional needs. He had business there and he did things with her while conducting that business which filled the voids. This is my perception. He contests it and has from day one.

He says the only reason he was there was for business reasons and that all the things he did with her, he would have done with anyone else he worked with. This is also true, in a sense, but the amount of texting they were doing, was not the same. It was not any one thing, it was the sum of the whole. Since then, he has admitted that some things cannot be done with anyone you work with and he says his thinking on this has changed.

I asked him recently, just how many girl "friends" he has had in his life. His OW was it before he had to go back to his high school days. I asked him if this at all set off an alarm bell. I'm sorry, having a friend like that before marriage is one thing, making one while you are married is completely ridiculous to me and should be to him.

He says he now sees this.

So to answer your question, he was never emotionally abusive before this time period. And it was tied into my mother's passing a few years before. I did not handle it well, was very depressed and let myself and my responsiblities go. He was also resentful of the fact that I had ended a friendship with a couple we hung out with and he then lost his friendship with the husband. He blamed me for that as well, although not outwardly.

^^This is why I think he was doing what he was doing. I wasn't going to tell him who he was going to be friends with and from his view nothing was going on etc...

It was also why we both withdrew emotionally from each other.

He just doesn't get the magnitude of my hurt. Period.

And I don't know where to go with it since for me, it seems like the 'validation' is the key for my healing and moving forward with him.

Don't get me wrong, he does say he was sorry and he was wrong, but it seems to be in the classification of what was going on, that I am stuck. Can we move on together if he wont validate that he was using her to fill the void he had with me? He says he won't admit to anything that is not true. And he contends that this is not how he felt. He didn't tie the two together. Our relationship was in a lull and he was doing business and she was a friend.

I am so confused. Thankful I have an IC appt in about an hour.

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