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Newest Member: cactusrunner85 (61536)

User Topic: Dating during Separation?
♀ 39324
Member # 39324
Content  Posted: 7:55 PM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am currently spending time with someone during my "off" days. WH and I have an agreement as we are trying "in house" separation. We are currently splitting kid/house responsibilities 50/50 and have a written agreement.

Anyone else have dating experience/advice during separation?

Dday 5-10-13
1 year + EA/PA (still TT)
Me- BW
Him- WH
M- 15 years
2 kiddos
Today's forecast is foggy with a chance of D.

"Better to be slapped with the truth than kissed with a lie"

Posts: 58 | Registered: May 2013 | From: hell on earth
Must Survive
♀ 34533
Member # 34533
Default  Posted: 8:14 PM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gently AFD,

I know your head is spinning. It looks like you are only weeks from d-day. While it sounds like your separation is more businesslike than most, you still need time to process what you are going through. Now is the time to circle the wagons and take care of yourself and kids. Not try to start a new relationship. You and the kids need all of you.

Others more eloquent than me will come along and give you more advice.

WS: Just a squished bug on the window of my life!
Divorced-Let my new beginning start

They have a choice: they can live in my new world, or they can die in their old one." Daenerys Targaryen

Posts: 1063 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Must Survive
♀ 22870
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You need to completely finish one relationship before you start another.

Aside from that, it certainly would be confusing for the kids if this comes to light.

Respect your children, respect yourself.

You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 9168 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
♀ 10866
Member # 10866
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dating during a separation is problematic. Doing it in front of the other person and your children even more so. I would put this on the back burner, focus on ending the marriage and physically separating, then revisit when you're less emotionally all over the place.

DDays 2006, and then numerous more
Divorced 2012

"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid

Posts: 15607 | Registered: Jun 2006
♀ 36060
Member # 36060
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're still so close to D-day. Even if it is fairly calm and business-like right now, they don't call this a roller coaster for nothing. Many people don't hit a good, solid anger phase for at least 4-6 months after d-day. It is very unfair to take a 3rd party on this ride with you. Even with the best o intentions on your part, there's a real risk you'll be hurting people.

Frankly, it is a red flag that he is willing to spend time with someone who is in house separated. That sounds like a touch of KISA.

It is natural to seek a connection immediately after a traumatic separation like this. Pick up/download the book "the journey from abandonment to healing" by Susan Anderson. It really helps lay out the process, including the desire to reconnect elsewhere as quickly as possible.

BS-Me 30s
WS-Him 30s
D-Day 4/2012 (Insisted EA only)
D-Day 5/2012 (Did I say EA? Ummm..)
Numerous other TT/broken NC d-days until S 1/2013. D settled 11/2013
MOW-coworker, 40s.
2 DS and DD all w/autism

Posts: 751 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: USA
♀ 37868
Member # 37868
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I started "seeing" someone almost 4 months post D-day during a separation phase too, I had almost 4 months of IC and MC when I made the decision to bring this person into my life and he was fully aware of the situation & understood because he too had gone through it. I knew within my heart after intense IC and MC that my marriage was over. Have you guys attempted MC? are you in IC? I don't think I would've had the tools to even enjoy this new persons company without the support I got from IC. it's a tricky situation even without dating, guard yourself and do what makes you happy!

Posts: 35 | Registered: Dec 2012
♀ 36654
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BTDT. I started dating WH#2 3months after filing for D from WH#1. The D took 2.5yrs and WH#2 was by my side the whole time. He was also a BS so I thought he understood how I was feeling.

In retrospect I wished I had now waited before getting involved with anyone else. I wished I would have taken that time to get my own life in order. I knew I wanted the divorce and would never take XWH#1 back again. It did make my D harder because it infuritated XWH#1 that I was dating, then let WH#2 move in about a year later. It was at least 6 months before I introduced him to my children and then another 6 months before I let him move in with me. It did make the divorce easier as far as having someone there for me (I had no family anywhere near me)and his family loved me and my children. It also made me get to the indifference stage much sooner than I would have had WH#2 not been there. We married 3 months after the D was final.

What it didn't do is allow me time to grieve my XWH#1 and my first marriage. It also did not give me time to really live on my own. WH#2 looked like my KISA and acted like it from the start. I had my rose-colored glasses firmly in place for far too long and failed to see all the red flags that were blazing in front of my face. I thought that I had did everything right when in fact it was all just a mirage of my own making. I couldn't see the forest for the trees so when DDay#1 hit, I was devastated. We had only been married for a few years and he had been carrying on a LTA with an old GF that he had before we started dating. I am not sure if he continued to see her after we started to date or not. We lived about an hour apart at the time and I didn't allow him to spend the night with me when the kids were here, so for that year we only saw each other every other weekend and not at all during the week.

Please take this time for yourself before you start another relationship, especially if you and your WH are still living together. Be sure you are not jumping from the frying pan into an oven. Our pain makes our vision obscure to the point we sometimes overlook things about a new person that we would otherwise see. (((HUGS)))

BS-55 XWH#2-No longer my monkey
M-11yrs LTA-5yrs Divorced 8/15
"A person is either an asset or a lesson"
"Changing who you are with does not change who you are"

Posts: 9057 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
Topic Posts: 7

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