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regrettingitall posted 7/22/2013 20:19 PM

My H has been sexual with me since less than a week after dday. Has anyone else experienced this? I love the intimacy, but is it giving me false hope? He'll spend lots of time pleasuring me, almost like he's proving something. He won't kiss me because he can't stop thinking about the OM's member in my mouth... But he'll all but ask for oral sex from me, every time. Advice?

stilllovinghim posted 7/22/2013 20:41 PM

Read up on HB (Hysterical Bonding) in the Healing Library. <<<----- over there on the left. There you'll be able to get a good understanding of what this is.

Also, your H is experiencing the very, very beginning of the roller coaster of emotions. Keep communication open with him and post and read often here.

[This message edited by stilllovinghim at 8:50 PM, July 22nd (Monday)]

knightsbff posted 7/22/2013 21:00 PM

Enjoy the intimacy you are able to have now. It can help you through the tough times that are always right around the corner.

My BH could not kiss me at first either. The mind movies were too bad. He still struggles at times but he says it gets easier.

he'll all but ask for oral sex from me, every time

From my BH and also from the BM's forum I've learned it's very hurtful when we did things for our AP that we rarely or never did for our BH. Is it possible this may be in play here?

Alyssamd24 posted 7/23/2013 12:29 PM

My BH and I have been also been sexual since d day. The first time was because he said he needed that physical connection with me.

I have talked to him a couple times about us having seems to me that sometimes he prefers to have sex over actually talking about our issues....I should mention that sex/affection has always been an issue with us and is something I have been discussing in therapy.

He hasn't told me anything about picturing me with AP when we are sexual but it has been an issue for me...there have been many times that while we are sexual all I can think about is what he is thinking...and I feel overwhelmed with guilt and remorse...more often than not it ends with me in tears.

I know this isn't really advice but just wanted to share my experience.

regrettingitall posted 7/23/2013 13:03 PM

Oral sex was never a problem before. He asked, I gave. In my A, the physical contact was only me preforming oral sex on the OP, so I thought for sure that my H would be weary of it after dday. But that was the first thing he wanted. I think when H is focusing on pleasuring me, he is proving that he is the only one who can make me experience that. He's been experimenting with positions etc since dday, but otherwise all is normal in the bed, like nothing ever happened.

he won't kiss me on the lips, but he has stopped turning away when I try. I miss the intimacy... The sex is there but I miss the kisses and hugs.

I feel like an idiot.

FR2012 posted 7/24/2013 22:17 PM

My husband and I have been having sex since D-Day. I remember on D-Day, my husband wanted to have sex, I didn't feel comfortable after everything that had happened that day. We ended up doing so, but was really awkward. It's almost like he wanted to claim me back, take back what's rightfully his kind of thing.

One of my two sexual encounters with my AP was oral. It was difficult for my husband at first to receive oral, but as time has gone by, things have gotten better.

Kissing might be a difficult thing for your husband to want to do because of that. As time goes on though, hopefully things will get better and of course those memories will not go away and will always linger, but will get better.

Oblige to your husband wishes though. Don't force anything on him that he doesn't feel comfortable doing. Hopefully as time goes on and you continue to work on your relationship, things will get better and you will grow as a couple and sexually as well.

You just started your healing process not that long ago. You still have a long way to go. At almost a year and a half out, we still have long way to go. I still have a lot of work to do on myself.

Trust me, I feel like an idiot too for destroying certain aspects of our relationship. We are slowly growing though. As will you. Just keep up the good work and keep healing.

[This message edited by FR2012 at 10:19 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)]

hurtincolorado posted 7/25/2013 10:51 AM

Let me give you the persepctive of the betrayed man. My wife is beautiful. She strayed. I couldn't help thinking that I wasn't good enough sexually for ehr so after finding out I tried very hard to excite her, trying to find out what she liked that I hadn't given her. from a review of her texts I had seen between her and him I got some idea and tried to be that for her. From your post apparently you told him you gave oral sex to the man so he is probably thinking you enjoyed that so he is doing it to you. Tell him what pleases you and you will be better off. But abocve all else don't be critical of him in bed as his ego is already very fragile in that department. Although affairs are often about something other than sex men will always process the affair as having something to do about their inadequacy in the bedroom

TXwifemom posted 7/26/2013 18:08 PM

Hurtincolorado, not to thread jack, but you mentioned that for men they express non sexual things in the bedroom sexually..... This gets me thinking..... My WH keeps saying his affairs were to "gain control"......

This seems like it is somehow related here, but he can't verbalize how.... Any insight?

Deeply Scared posted 7/26/2013 19:01 PM


Please do not threadjack this thread with asking BS's questions. If you want to interact with BS's, please do so on General.

Thank you.

Bloomsday posted 8/15/2013 11:48 AM

Another male BS perspective. (TMI warning). As we divorced without the kissing/intimacy issues ever being fully resolved, I can only share the feelings that one betrayed man experienced right after Dday. I recognize that I may not have been entirely logical about this particular issue, but the mind-movies were much more intense and worse around my W having performed oral sex on another M than about them f***ing, which they also did. The reason I acknowledge this as illogical is that W was not a virgin when we married and had gone down on guys in HS and college. This was never an obstacle to our relationship before A. So it was not entirely consistent for me to be so turned off after the A. Also, our society seems to judge oral as “not quite sex” while for me this seemed worse that the f***ing.

I think I could have forgiven W getting a little drunk and getting taken advantage of, on her back while zoned out in the fog and passively allowing him to do her. But a person’s mouth is close to their eyes and brain, so when she saw his member in her face it should have triggered thoughts of how wrong this was. But it did not. She was not a passive participant - - she wantonly went for “it”. And because she was “acting out” and demonstrating how free she was to do whatever she wanted, she acted like a porn star and let him finish in her mouth. I never asked her or even wanted to do that. So it’s like the old line, “You kiss your mother with that mouth?”

I know these may be pointless differences, but a woman’s crotch and breasts are obviously clothed and not on display to the entire world. So although the thought of them f***ing was also quite devastating, the scene of the f***ing crime was not constantly on display after A. On the other hand, her mouth is always visible, so after A it was as if W was constantly exposed in public. The OM could still clearly observe where he had been and re-play his own mind-movies of W on her knees.

I wish I had discovered XWW’s A earlier as we had plenty of deep kissing and sex while she was cheating - - so that adds to the illogical nature of it for me - - why the revulsion after learning the truth when the episodes were less current than before I learned?

JustDesserts posted 8/15/2013 12:54 PM

On Dday. HB'ing. Then transitioning right into the deep intimacy we'd always shared, and both dearly missed, and soonish thereafter adding some new twists we both suggested as we were at the brink anyways.

Sort of a we've got "nothing left to lose here" in EVERY aspect of our marriage, and with the sex aspect (which was always great) we compared notes anew...communicated even more openly than before...and both said "wow, I never knew" to numerous of eachother's shared "secret sexual self" confidences. Revelatory, in a way, and we both laugh and kick ourselves at having not done so MUCH earlier in time. This creative, uninhibited, and connected physical and emotional intimacy continues, and we can state uncategorically that our sex life has never been more, well, sexy!

As an aside, I look at what my broken little blow up doll xAP brought to the table in this department, both in looks and skills and understanding of human intimate connection and, well, I stand ashamed, embarrassed, and in disbelief at what I chose to do with her. Utterly, completely delusional behaviour, for a few handfuls of stale, off-brand ego kibbles.

My wife has stated she's never had more than a short "preview clip" mind movie about me and xAP being intimate, within a month of DDay. I think it helped my wife that she is a self-assured, successful in her own right, and very tall, slender, and attractive woman. And my xAP is a clingy, never had to face the real world, mildly intelligent, and profoundly boring FOO laden mess bundled in a mediocre shell. My wife ended up feeling pity for her, not any anger, and especially sad for her BS. And, yes, WTF was I thinking?!?

TxsT posted 8/15/2013 15:08 PM

BS wife here. On Dday I couldn't even let him touch me. I was physically numb, mentally exhausted and was feeling and seeing the OW laying between us. It was incredibly horrible. Since lack of intimacy had been one of the reasons for the set up of his A, I now felt completely unable to even turn him on. Before I knew about the A he was having problems performing with me. We had several disastrous attempts which left me in tears and he unresponsive. I attribute this to his mental state about his A. His shame killed his ability.

The next morning, after no sleep at all I became very shy, unsure of my body and how my husband felt about me and my body. I couldn't even stand naked in front of him. I broke down sobbing when I tried, there was no control over tears at that time. He was very sweet, picked me up off the floor and just cuddled me. Dressed me in a towel and put me to bed. He then held me all night. I think it was that jesters that let me push past my fears and we have had frequent and loving sex from that day forward.

As a woman who had body issues, thinking that he hadn't wanted me anymore ( his inability to perform) weighed extremely heavy on me. I told him I felt like I was competing with something I would never be able to beat. I couldn't be what she had been, the sex couldn't measure up because it wasn't overt, sneaky, hidden. One of the sweetest things he has said through this is their is no comparison to making love and having sex. He makes love to me, he had sex with her. He never compares, he mind blocks if she pops up and slowly we have come full circle. Now both of us don't feel awkward anymore, or pressure. It comes naturally and passionately and I couldn't be more thankful and happy.


Ps......the simple act of cuddling speaks volumes to a least to this one.

[This message edited by TxsT at 3:11 PM, August 15th (Thursday)]

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