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longroadahead22 posted 7/22/2013 20:21 PM

Is this a valid fear? Back ground first... My BS has forgiven me! Yet I have not done so yet. We have recently been discussing a recommitment ceremony. Last night I had confessed a fear that I was afraid that after all this work that the A's would be a deal breaker.

After all the work we've put in is it me not trusting her?

Is it valid to be afraid of our As being deal breakers years down the line? Is that a consequence we must always live with? Or is there away to conquer that fear?

wontdefineme posted 7/22/2013 20:44 PM

You Have To Stop. My Xh Lived In Fear All Our Marriage I Would Leave Him. In The End Be Left By Having His A And Not Owning It. This Will Be More Destructive Than The A Itself As You Will Never Trust Her. If She Has Given You The Gift Of R, Take It And Be A Devoted Spouse.

noescape posted 7/22/2013 21:26 PM

Rather than project your fears at your spouse, why not look into yourself as to why you had the A?

I'm certain one of those why's will be a fear of abandonment and your coping skill was to have a plan B lined up; i.e having the A.

That's just a surface assessment of it but I believe you're robbing yourself and your W if true intimacy due to your fears. You never got married thinking she'd be ending it, similarly, your W didn't take those vows with a view that you'd be betraying her. It's a risk that you should gladly take for the faith she's putting in you, if she has truly forgiven you after your A. I believe it may be too soon to express forgiveness but timeframes vary for everyone.

Rather than focus on what she 'may' do, why not exert energy into what you CAN do for her. If it means digging into your whys and seeing an IC and committing to fix what's broken in you, I believe that will be more productive than having a few thousand talks on what the possibility if her leaving you is...

Just my 2 cents, take what's beneficial and leave the rest.

[This message edited by noescape at 9:31 PM, July 22nd (Monday)]

Unagie posted 7/23/2013 03:54 AM

I never feared abandonment before my A's and even after I fought to get to a place of acceptance where I let go of the outcome. After his A the fear that I would forgive him but he would leave me anyway because of my actions took root and I have not been able to let it go. It's something I want to be able to let go, the outcome, but the fear is there and I don't know how to anymore. I work on it every day.

So my advice...let go of the outcome.

BaxtersBFF posted 7/23/2013 04:44 AM

Another way to look at it is that this fear is a way for you to keep the option of running open to you. As long as you have this urge to run, then there is still work to be done. Running away from problems is not going to solve them.

I think this line of thinking is a way which allows the WS to put the responsibility of the outcome on the BS. That isn't really fair, and to that extent, this is a consequence. But then again, if it is viewed as a consequence, then there is still something wrong with your logic.