SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

huRtZ413 posted 7/22/2013 20:28 PM

so we have been working on reconnecting and though on the outside its seems to be going alright starting to feel empty I close my eyes an pretend I'm hugging the old him the teenager I fell in love with trying o remember how that guy made me feel , that guy searched for me he made every attempt to see me talk I me and did want to do anything but sit next to me and hold and kiss me . I love my husband I do bit what's happening to me ? I find myself thinking maybe I want that kind of love back will I feel empty always ? I think of somebody else nobody in particular a made up person I might meet and feel the I can't get enough of you thing .... Is that weird that I think of someone who doesn't exist

blakesteele posted 7/22/2013 20:51 PM

You are grieving the death of your marriage as you knew it. You are most likely wondering how your husband could kill it for what...30-60 minutes of sex? I grieve the death of my marriage...its death was payment for my wifes 4 month fantasy-world play date. Some on here have much more gruesome stories on how their marriage died (STDs, pregnancies, AP was a brother to their husband, etc.)...but at the end of the day...all of our marriages as we knew them were killed by our WS. Does it matter if a hatchet, knife or gun was used once the destruction ends? It might make a difference on the LENGTH of recovery, but it doesn't change the fact that our marriages as we new them were killed.

We all have seen our marriages killed by the only other person who could do it besides us...our spouses.

I see you are wondering about other men...this is not weird. I commend you for keeping this thought to a faceless man. I have wondered about other women...but real women. This was a strong temptation for me from about 3 months after DD to about 8 months after DD. Those 5 months were really challenging for me. I, unlike my wife, have always known I needed firm boundaries when it came to other women. I intentionally put effort into NOT creating opportunities to connect to other women. Once I got passed the shock of discovering my wifes A, I seriously wondered if I put too much value in keeping my boundaries so firm. Maybe our vows are not as sacred as I thought them to be? That was a real thought in my head...talk about weird! I see that now.

Now I am so very thankful that I did not give into these temptations...I am not sure where you are headed with your thoughts...but pray on them, read about affairs and revenge affairs, and seek IC....all of those helped me stay committed to my vows.

I don't want to get too preachy...and I think you are perfectly normal and not weird. Just a caution to keep your guard up.

As a man, I know how men can think....if you have a moment of weakness around the wrong man (anyone but your husband at this point in time) and open up to him and share moments with him....well, it is a very slippery slope indeed.

Stay your course with regards to your vows and you will not regret your actions later.

God be with you.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 11:42 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]

IStillLoveHim2 posted 7/22/2013 23:08 PM

When I see a post that resonates with me I feel compelled to respond. I don't know the answer but feel empty as well. Usually for me though things are going too well and he seems to be almost too understanding and perfect that it makes me think it cant be real. He wasn't this attentive before the A. I am sad and empty seems to fit the bill. Will those feelings go away? I an so sorry.

[This message edited by IStillLoveHim2 at 11:09 PM, July 22nd (Monday)]

StruckNumb posted 7/22/2013 23:46 PM

I've lurked here for months. This is my first post. I found out a week before Thanksgiving 2012. We've been in MC and IC pretty much weekly since DD. i know I still love my husband but I no longer like his character as a human being. His AP visited our home and sat at my dinner table with me and my husband. They both smiled to my face. She pretended to be my friend. But neither were friends to me.

I think part of my emptiness is because my father was a big philanderer. Big time. My husband knew the toll this took on my family and still he could go out and have his 4 plus year affair and bring the tramp into our home and flaunt it to my face and in the face of our extended family. I can't get around this. I can't figure out how to get around the feeling I've married a stranger. So,
like you, I'm empty. I tell him I love him and I do. But I no longer feel the same depth of love I did before. When he says he loves me, I no longer believe him. Every day during his affair he said he loved me. He would come home after sexing it up with her and tell me he loved me. Seriously, what kind of human being can do that?...so casually

Ixion posted 7/23/2013 00:55 AM

I have little to add, except that I am in exactly the same situation. I wrestle with what my WS could possibly do more than she is, that would make me feel suddenly that it was going to be OK because she was 'trying', but there is nothing. And, that is possibly the worst feeling, that I have no idea how this is going to ever get better now.

Small signs like a couple of messages at lunch time just make me resent the times when she blanked me because she was with him. I walk down the street with my wife, and look at the couples holding hands, and wish that could be me, and know that I could just reach out if I wanted to. But, that wouldnt do it. The physical act of holding hands isnt whats missing. Its the trust and emotional connection that appear gone forever right now.

EDIT; And, yes, I am the same about other people. I take the train home and every day see half a dozen other women that I would prefer to go home to - some for today, some for longer. Given a chance, I am pretty sure I would too, not for revenge, but to escape the crumbling house of how I see my marriage.

[This message edited by Ixion at 5:36 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]

blakesteele posted 7/23/2013 11:52 AM

(((Ixon))) Hang on friend...I can totally relate to your feelings. And opportunities are readily available...as you are now seeing. They were always there...nothing new there...it is us who are changing and are tempted to take advantage of these perceived NEW opportunities.

Most of this change can be good for us...whether we D or R.

One thing is FOR SURE bad for us...if we give into our own selfishness and have an A of our own, before we give our current M a chance and before we file for D. Whether you call it a revenge affair or an escape of a crumbling house...the end result is the same. You will be committing adultery and it will stick with you for a lifetime....you wont be able to undo that one.

Keep the faith brother.

God be with you.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 11:54 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]