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A question about sex

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gypsybird87 posted 7/22/2013 21:40 PM

Hi all,

I am struggling with something and I need to know if anyone else has faced this, and how you coped with it.

Three months ago yesterday, then-STBXWH moved out and into his new place with OW. One week before that was D-day. One week before THAT, he made love to me and kissed me goodbye before leaving on a business trip.

I've seen mention on here about a decrease or total lack of sex as the marriage failed and the A ramped up. My situation was the opposite.

He was sleeping with both of us. Regularly. Sex with him during those last few months was frequent, like 3-4 times a week... and it was always good. It wasn't quite as "tender", but he was still always considerate of me and made sure I was satisfied. Now I know he was also sleeping with her, several times a week. There were times he slept with her, then came home and slept with me, all in the same night. It's really hard for me to get my head around what a complete bastard you have to be to do this to someone, but specifically I'm struggling with two things:

Was he even "with" me? Was he mentally present? Did he care at all? Or was he just using my body to get off while he fantasized about her the whole time?

And the other thing... there were times when I initiated the sex. Even though I'd had a partial discovery and I knew something was going on, though I didn't know what... even though I suspected another woman but was in deep denial... even though I sensed subtle differences in his lovemaking.. I still initiated it some of the time. I guess it was the only time I felt normal, that our whole relationship felt anywhere near to normal. And I convinced myself that if he was still sleeping with me, that he wasn't sleeping with anyone else (yet) even though there might be some sort of EA going on.

I just feel DIRTY. I feel USED. Please pardon the graphic analogy but honestly, I feel like a condom he used and then threw in the trash when he was finished.

I feel like he cheated on me and I cheated on the part of me that KNEW better and DESERVED better than to give my body to a lowlife scum, even though that scum was my husband.

It's especially hard because I've worked so hard to improve my body over the last year. I've lost 73 pounds and 6 jeans sizes. I did it for me, and I'm proud of myself... But like all women I wanted to be attractive to my husband. He seemed to be appreciative, complimenting me and my new shape.. But in the end he threw me away for OW, who's a skinny, bony bitch who never works out.

I have been STD tested and everything was okay with that, which was a relief because I know OW and she has been around, including with some real players.

If anyone has been through this, how did you cope? I can't forgive him... and I can't forgive myself either.

needsomehelp14 posted 7/22/2013 22:01 PM

I don't pretend to have any answers for you, but I would like to offer you something of hope. I invite you to change your last sentance from "I can't forgive myself" to "I have not forgiven myself yet".

Your behavior was completely forgivable and very normal. Our conscious mind is driven to protect us from what our subconscious "knows".

The bulk of us on this site can look back now and realize that we "knew" something was up, but we would not allow ourselves to believe it. It is that very fact that deceptive people count on.

Seriously - please go easy on yourself. Better days lie ahead.

Good luck and God Bless-


trebleclef posted 7/22/2013 22:14 PM

I can relate. We were still sexually active ( although Ex likes to claim NOW that I was not "looking after him". Liar.)
Anyway, he took me on a romantic mountain weekend for our 37th anniversary, and was in a motel room with sex worker MOW two days later. About two weeks after D-day, I succumbed to his overtures and we had sex. He did not know that I knew, and was trying to take his As underground, so refusing would have been a signal of suspicion on my part since I NEVER refused him. And part of me wanted, just once more, to lie in his arms, to feel a man. I had always loved being with him sexually, and I think a part of me knew that it would probably be the very last time ever with him, and quite possibly with anyone, ever. I remember saying to him as we lay together afterward, "I wish I could stay here forever." and he answered, "Me, too".

It was the last time. I got tested, found mounting evidence, and never touched him again. It still sickens me to think that I willingly was intimate with him when I was pretty sure he was cheating on me. I try to chalk it up to being so desperately needy for some moment of peace/comfort/familiarity in my crumbling world, that I was willing to suspend "reality" for a short time in order to experience the "fantasy" of my life really not being on the verge of imploding. I feel sad and sorry for that broken woman. I forgive her.

[This message edited by trebleclef at 10:20 PM, July 22nd (Monday)]

Nature_Girl posted 7/22/2013 22:20 PM

Read what "needsomehelp14" again & again. It's is spot on. We've all BTDT. ((((HUGS)))

gypsybird87 posted 7/22/2013 22:32 PM

...being so desperately needy for some moment of peace/comfort/familiarity in my crumbling world, that I was willing to suspend "reality" for a short time in order to experience the "fantasy" of my life really not being on the verge of imploding.

This, exactly!!

Forgiving myself...not so easy. This part ties in with the way I feel about the whole affair, I guess: How could I be so stupid??? How did I not see it sooner, why did I buy into his lies? Why did I let him use my body? It's all just a mess in my brain and I'm so tired of hurting over it and wondering when it will make sense (apparently never) and when it will stop hurting (apparently a long time from now.)

Nature_Girl posted 7/22/2013 22:35 PM

Gypsy, that's why IC is so valuable, and is why I'm still going two years after DDay. I need to find out my "why" so it never happens again.

gypsybird87 posted 7/23/2013 01:27 AM

I am doing IC and actually started it before D-day... when the marriage was having problems. So ironic, really, in hindsight. As our issues escalated, I chose to seek counseling and work on myself. He choose to seek out another woman and entertain his dick. Nice.

Anyway, I'm grateful and relieved that I already had a terrific counselor when everything exploded. She has been a huge help in keeping me sane.

Along with everyone on SI.

((((( SI members!!))))


[This message edited by gypsybird87 at 1:27 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]

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