So in IC, we've started to address an issue that was front and center in enabling my already atrocious coping skills.
I have PTSD and have been burying it so deeply, I had essentially detached myself from my own emotions. It felt as though I was looking back on a movie or a book, like the pain wasn't mine, because I had never outwardly allowed myself to feel it.
Last week, IC says to me, "I believe you've finally reached a point in your healing where you can be truly honest with yourself, and start the process of addressing this trauma. You have a choice, you can either a) choose to go around it again, or b) start to wade through it and really begin the process of acceptance, and ultimately moving on in your life."
At first I was startled and then terrified that I wouldn't be strong enough to face it. I went home, mulled it over and the more I thought about it, the more parallels I drew between the trauma, and the development and nurturing of this awful behavior of detachment.
I realized that if i decided to go around it, and never deal with the root cause of it, i would never be able to truly change. Ive done a ton of work to learn how to feel and to face current crises and problems as they arise, instead of filing them away for a later date (which ultimately never comes). I'd hate for all that to be in vain, and to slowly return to my old ways.
This made the decision an easy one. And I've started the work. I began a timeline of my entire life. Just a basic outline, consisting of facts and data, no feelings, and brought what I had so far to IC today. She had me start reading it to her, and after each event, she had me take 5 mins to describe it in further detail. It was really tough to make the words come out of my mouth, and to reattach myself tothem, and we only got through a few events, but I did it. I cried, and shook and laughed, and I made some connections between my life events (which I had previously deemed unimportant, and unrelated to the development of my coping skills) and the importance of these events and how I treated them. I realized by downplaying(minimising) and rug sweeping i had taught myself to detach.
The major downside to this is, its bringing on the pain and fear I had so effectively avoided the first time around. Its triggering me, big time, and it's so hard to work through. Its also bringing up the guilt and shame I felt and kept to myself. Its just such an assault of emotion, I'm afraid I won't ever get past.
I am looking for new ways to deal with this pain without letting it consume me. I am currently journaling (stream of consciousness) and working outside in my garden or getting some exercise on the beach, but this doesn't help when it comes back to me,( full on flashbacks or even just little glimpses back) when im at work, or driving, etc... can anyone offer up some advice on how to get through these triggers and flashbacks? I'm so terrified that I might start to shut down again and get stuck in old familiar and unhealthy patterns. I want to get through this this time and not around it again.