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Should I involve him in his child's birth?

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BrighterFuture posted 7/23/2013 02:01 AM

I was engaged and ended the relationship after discovering his cheating, and lack of remorse 5 months ago (2/25/13). We have a 20 month old son and another on the way due in 7 weeks. He has only seen his son 2 times(30 mins or less each time). I have a few questions, hopefully I can get input from those with experience:

Should I make suggestions to him that he can be there for his child's birth if he wants, or should I wait for him to request to be there? What are the implications if I don't ask him? will he blame me in future, will the courts blame me, or will my child blame me? I'm struggling with this because even though I don't want us to be together, I don't want my child to feel not loved by the dad, and be held responsible for it.
The reason I'm asking is because, when I was going for the ultrasound, I told my ex about it, he didn't ask to be there though I wouldn't have minded for the sake of my child. I thought he would ask to be there but since he didn't, I went ahead and had the ultrasound accompanied by the male friend. My friend then told me that I should have told him to come. I didn't agree with him, I told him that I did enough by informing him, if he wanted to come he would have. it wasn't up to me to ask him to come. So, I wanted SI perspective on this. He has not shown any care about the pregnancy at all. He hasn't been there for me, has not asked anything about this unborn baby, it's as if he/she doesn't exist to him. What am I required as a mother to do?

ETA: Also, about my 20 month old son, should I ask my ex to take him while I'm going to the hospital for the delivery of this new baby? What if he doesn't come to pick him up? What should I do at that point? He hasn't been good with visitation and I don't know for sure who'll be with him while I'm at the hospital. His dad is not dependable even on this. I'm in a very bad place right now and frankly very scared but I hope things will turn out ok. I do not have any family member around

[This message edited by VeryHurtbroken at 2:14 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]

canteat posted 7/23/2013 03:14 AM

I am so sorry that you are going through this. Unfortunately, from your post I think the answer is clear. He is telling you who he is by his actions-you just don't want to believe it.

He has shown no interest in this new baby. He has shown little to no interest in his current son. total of a 1 hour visit over the last 4 months! That message is clear.

I don't want my child to feel not loved by the dad, and be held responsible for it.

You will not/are not responsible for his failures. You can't make him be a part of your childrens lives other than demanding child support financially. He can have all the visitation in the world and never use it. That is all on him. I know it hurts to think of your kids not having a father around but that may be the reality. That is not your fault, don't own it. You need to provide the best life you can for your children and focus your energy there and not on your ex.

I would not ask him to watch your son while you are in the hospital. I would not ask him to do anything. He has shown no interest,that he's not reliable and that he can't be trusted. Why would you invite that person to be a part of your and your childrens' lives?

I would continue to share information with him and let him know what is going on because he is the father. I would document everything that I shared with him in case you need it for legal reasons. He has rights but so far he hasn't claimed them. You are not witholding the children or information about them from him so you are doing nothing wrong.

I would speak with an attorney to find out what you need to do to protect your children. If he does not acknowledge the new baby as his you may have to get a paternity test so that he can be required to pay child support. I would get some legal custody agreement filed because if not, it will come back to bite you in the ass later on. In the future he may want to see the kids so make sure you are covered legally so he has to play by the rules to do it.


[This message edited by canteat at 3:18 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]

BrighterFuture posted 7/23/2013 03:37 AM

Thanks for your response. However, I'm not focusing on him and I believe his actions which so far have been selfish. I just don't want to be blamed in the future when he gets to answer for his actions.

solus sto posted 7/23/2013 03:40 AM

No. He is not parenting his child and demonstrates no interest in the pregnancy. Your emotional wellbeing during labor would be better-served by a caring birth coach and loving attendants.

His failures are his alone. As a mother, I know it's hard to watch paternal relationships fail to develop or deteriorate. But this does not rest on your shoulders.

The LAST person I'd want my son with during the tumultuous new-baby process is a disinterested man he's only met twice. Your son needs someone familiar and loving. If you have no family or friends to help, you have plenty of time to interview people from something like and get to know them. Or to arrange for a more far-flung friend or family member to come to town.

If you want to try to foster a relationship, fine. But do it when you are able to monitor how it's going and can extricate your son if need be. Your confinement is not the time.

MylarPineapples posted 7/23/2013 03:59 AM

I'm a labor nurse, and while I have not been in your shoes I have seen some of my patients dealing with similar situations. I would encourage you to surround yourself with people who support you, and arrange for your son to be cared for during your hospital stay by people you can rely on to care for and support him during this transition to becoming a big brother. Being present for the birth is not going to make or break the relationship between this man and his child. HE needs to take responsibility for establishing that bond, and you need to focus on caring for yourself and your new baby. Concentrate on the things you do have control over, and that is making sure your children have a healthy loving mother. If WS doesn't step up to the plate to be a dad, it will NOT be because you didn't invite him to be present during your delivery. And I don't think your child or anyone else will think so either. ((((Hugs))))

confused615 posted 7/23/2013 05:33 AM

IIRC,this man has been very abusive to at least one his older children? Your DS,or your Was it your DSS who is special needs,came to live with dad,and was told his mother never wanted him..etc..because he has special needs,or some other such garbage?

If I am correct..then Hell no. I wouldn't want him anywhere near my kids.

If Im wrong..I apologize.

[This message edited by confused615 at 5:35 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]

Loyalty2Liberty posted 7/23/2013 05:53 AM

Between having only one good parent, or one good parent and one crappy parent I would pick quality over quantity any day of the week and twice on Sundays.

Why? Because nothing on this Earth makes a child feel more unloved than being arround someone who is supposed to love them but doesn't. They can palpably feel the resentment of a parent who wishes they didn't have the responsibility of raising them. They can sense when daddy wishes he could ditch them to go chasing APs, but can't understand such things, only that they have a parent who doesn't love them.

Say nothing, pray that he forgets he ever had children, and surround yourself with *real* family and friends who actually give a fuck about you and the kids. It will make their young lives much better and healthier, and they'll thank you for it later.

TXBW68 posted 7/23/2013 09:38 AM

My own father was present at my birth. But when I was 1.5yrs old, he went out for cigs and came back when I was 8yrs old! Then again at 12, 16 and high school graduation. Those 4 dates are the only memories I have of him as I grew up. As an adult, I might see him once every 3-4 years at my grandma's house for Thanksgiving. He has no relationship with my kids either.

But guess what? I remember that my MOM was there for every boo-boo, awards ceremony, school play, sporting event, concert, etc. You name it, she was there for me. And she was a loving grandma to my boys until the day she died.

Biology does not make a Parent. Being there for all of the big milestones and little events makes a Parent.

Your WS has shown you from his actions that he does not want to be a real parent. You can't control his actions and you certainly are not responsible for HIS actions.

Never once did I blame my mom for my sperm donor not being there. IMO, I am better adjusted having no memory of my biological father than my husband is having memories of the EOW visitations, no-shows for visitations, disappointments, etc his dad put him thru. He still carries a heavy load of grief from his childhood and how his dad acted. I don't...

Childbirth is a very stressful time for the mom. Try to find loving friends/family to watch your son and to be there for you during the birth. Fly them in if you have to. Don't worry about Him. If he's remotely interested in his kids, he'll contact you. Legally protect your kids and just be a wonderful mom. That's all your kids really need.

Good luck and enjoy your new bundle of joy!!

BrighterFuture posted 7/23/2013 10:50 AM

Thanks everyone. I will follow the good advise given here. I appreciate all your replies.

Violetta posted 7/23/2013 11:13 AM

I agree that having him there will probably be nothing but stressful for you. Have a dear friend or family member there to support you during labor, or maybe hire a doula.

1Faith posted 7/23/2013 11:23 AM

Dear Very

Your ex has seen your son 2 times in 5 months and for less than 30 minutes?

You can't be blamed for his lack of care and/or concern for his children. If he wanted to be a man and a father then he could be.

You will never be able to change someone else's behavior. Period. You can't control whether he will blame you down the road or not. All you can do is be there for your children.

Will having him there for the birth make you feel better or worse? Don't worry about him being mad. What do you want?

Also, if he wanted to be there for his child's birth why doesn't he ask to be there? Why do you have to offer? Why can't or won't he request?

IMO, you have the focus a bit twisted. Your ex is his own person.

Focus on you and your babies. You can't overcompensate for his lack of participation in their lives.

If your son ever asks, simply say your dad and I weren't together when you were born and he never asked to be present. If he had, I would have certainly considered it.

Again, IMO, I would NOT leave your 20 month old with your ex while you are giving birth if you have other options. He has only seen him twice in 5 months. Is he capable of truly providing care for your son? Will he? Do you have a friend or anyone that can assist?

Church member? Neighbor you trust?

I am sorry you find yourself in this tough situation. Sounds as if you made a wise choice in ending the relationship.

Good luck with your pregnancy and sending prayers for a healthy delivery.


[This message edited by 1Faith at 11:26 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]

Clarrissa posted 7/23/2013 16:52 PM

My situation with my DD1 was similar to yours - her sperm donor showed *zero* interest in the pregnancy. In fact, when he found out I was pregnant, he seemed to make it his mission to bed every female on the east side of town. He asked no questions about how I was doing or how his unborn child was doing. He showed zero interest in attending my appointments - too busy chasing tail, I guess. He had ways of learning all this besides me but never asked. When it came time for me to deliver, I had one of my sisters with me. Never crossed my mind to ask him to be there. I knew he'd be "too busy".

As for DD's relationship with him, well she tried. He evidently wasn't interested. His loss. DD's dad is my H, has been since she was a toddler. My H got the reward (and headaches ) of a daughter and the joys of grandparenthood. Something my ex and his family screwed themselves out of with her.

The others are right. Your ex(?) is screwing himself out of a relationship with his kids, not you. You've given him ample opportunity to be involved and he's throwing them away. Not your fault. As for when you deliver, as your mom and a sister (if possible) to be with you or even a trusted friend. You shouldn't be going through this alone.

purplejacket4 posted 7/23/2013 17:01 PM

It sounds like this guy barely made it to the conception. Your childbirth is about you. Not the child. I Guarantee that he/she will not care who attends the birth. Ever.

As a physician who has delivered a couple of hundred babies it sucks all around when there is a disinterested sperm donor there. Boy could i tell you some lousy stories. Spare yourself this. Have a dear friend with you and have another take care of your DS during the delivery.

Hugs to you!

Ashland13 posted 7/23/2013 17:25 PM


I am in a similar place as you with the decisions that you face. I am also pregnant and cheated on and ...other things.

Suffice to say, that I have people who argue with me, but FWIW to share, I've decided to let nearly ExH be at the hospital when the baby comes...if he chooses to actually appear.

You see, although many people have asked me this question, none of these people will be with me at the end of the day. When all is said and done, I will be the only adult present and left alone with myself to face. I would have guilt, frankly, not letting him be there, even though he won't be any support to me.

But it's not just about me and I remember that each and every day. As you say, there are our children to consider as well. I know that the baby won't know if he's there or not, but I will...and our other child will.

I am finally learning not to give a damn what other people think, in the long run, though I am as polite as I know how to be but in the end, I look around our house and see, like today, who else is here? Most days for the rest of our lives will be this way as they may be for you.

I suspect that I will also be very out of it (as you will too) and so if there is drama or stupidity, we may not be aware for a while. And if there is, it's not because of us. It's because of other people and their choices around us, for a very short time and then they are gone again. The time in the delivery room will be a while, but the rest of life is a lot longer. When I think about the time later, as example, I want to be guilt free about the baby's father.

If your WH or my nearly ExH decides to not show, that is their choice and their choice alone.

It was recommended to me, and I don't know if it will help to say, but to find out a bout getting a social worker to be there just to answer questions and be a presence that's not a legal person.

Ashland13 posted 7/23/2013 17:27 PM

P.S I saw the other part in your post about what should you speak to your WH about, in this area?

Because control is such a huge issue here with nearly ExH, I don't bring up a particular topic about when the birth arrives. I've mentioned very general things and simply said to him, "what are your ideas or wishes?" In this way, I can know that I covered the topic, but put no demands or ideas into the man's head. Because of the NPD this is how I've learned to be but so be it, if it keeps peace and ability to move on to other subjects.

BrighterFuture posted 7/23/2013 17:43 PM

1Faith: Thanks for your response. What do you mean I have my focus twisted? I'm been taking care of my son and unborn child all this time by myself. I was only asking questions because I don't want to feel guilty and be blamed for not involving him. Like I mentioned, a male friend was of the opinion that I should tell him, that men can't read minds and so I should ask him to be there which I strongly disagreed with him on this. I am in no way unaware of where my responsibilities lie. Derivery happens once in a child life, I just don't want to make mistakes out of being hurt or vengeance. His presence is not for my benefit, it's for his child.

Clarissa and purplejacket4: Thanks for your comments. It sucks that others have passed through this horrible experience when they're most in need.

Ashland13: I think we can relate better because we're in a similar situation. If it was only upto me, I would not include him or even say anything to him when the time comes. But, I have to consider my child and what's best for him/her. While other SIer might have children, some may not understand the dynamics when it comes to pregnancy and delivery. But like everyone has said, it's not my fault if he comes or not, neither is it my job to offer him the opportunity to be there. I just wanted to know what's best to do so that I am not liable for him not being there. If he wants to be there, he will ask to be there. However, I will inform him when labor starts and when I'll be going to the hospital, but I will not tell him anything else. He doesn't even know my due date, and has never asked.

[This message edited by VeryHurtbroken at 5:52 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]

Clarrissa posted 7/23/2013 20:36 PM

I've read this a number of times here, both here in General and in the D/S forum: Your relationship with your kids is yours, your relationship with your WH is yours and your kids' relationship with your WH is *theirs*.

When my DD became intetested in having a relationship with the sperm donor, she asked for my permission to do so. She was 12. I told her I thought she was old enough to make that choice herself. I wasn't going to tell her she had to and I wasn't going to forbid it. I gave her the only address I had for him and she took it from there. IMO that's all you can really do when the time comes and they start asking questions/become interested in/curious about their father. Keep *your* relationship and feelings separate from theirs. Let *them* make the choice whether or not to pursue a relationship with him. Since they're so young now, the choice is on him. If he chooses not to, his loss. If you try to make him choose to or put pressure on him, he'll just resent you for it and, by extension, the kids.

Right now, just focus on you, your DS and your baby. Never mind WH, he'll either be there or he won't. That's out of your control.

hurtbs posted 7/23/2013 21:09 PM

First, big hugs

(((VERY))) No one deserves to go through this shit while pregnant.

My thought is - focus 100% on you. If you don't want him in delivery, don't invite him. If you don't really care, then wait for him to ask.

As you said, he isn't very reliable, do you want to be worrying about that while in labor? Why not ask a family member or a close friend to watch your little one?

If he wants to be involved in the birth of his child or in the life of his children, then he needs to make an effort.

Hearthache again posted 7/23/2013 21:25 PM

I also faced this question when pregnant with our 4th. I did not let my H come into the room when I was at the doctors right after dday. I had to go to emergency due to all the stress and the doctors being concerned on dday. I made him wait out in the waiting room. Since he was remorseful and I had plans to work on things I decided to let him be there. He was ok with it either way.

I say you do what makes you feel comfortable. Your ex has the rest of your child's life to form a bond an hour or so will not effect that. No matter what I would call him and let him know baby is on the way when you are in the hospital. Then leave it up to him to come and wait until baby is born. He can be at the hospital supporting you without being in the room. He can run errand, make phone calls, and wait in the waiting room for baby to arrive and see the baby after you are cleaned up. A nurse can also bring the baby out to see him in the hallway if you tell them what the situation is.

whyohwhyohwhy posted 7/23/2013 21:32 PM

I would just email him and ask if he wants you to let him know when you go into labor.

That way, if he doesn't respond, you're covered if years down the road he says something like your mother didn't even tell me etc.

I'm betting that he won't even respond.

I'd have family/friends there for you, and move forward afterward. You need to take care of you, and focus on you. I wouldn't give him a second thought.

I absolutely wouldn't ask him to watch your other child. He's too unreliable.

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