SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

WH has been going to weekly IC since shortly after the last DDay, so about 4 sessions now I think. Before last week's appointment I asked him when he'd like to have a joint counselling session. He asked his therapist about it, and the therapist suggested I come along this week to sit in on his session.

I am really nervous, and I told WH so. He asked why, and I told him that I have a fear of the counselor telling me that WH's behavior is caused by some inadequacy on my part. WH said all the right things and reassured me that that is not true. However, I am also dreading this counselor telling me that I need to change something about myself - because honestly, right now that would PISS ME OFF. We have never done any kind of couples counselling before; while I understand that marital problems are usually a two-way street, right now the only thing I'm really interested in addressing at this moment is WH's EAs, and I am not taking ANY responsibility for his shitty behavior. Thusfar WH has been telling me it's all his fault, I did nothing wrong, etc. But I have this slightly irrational fear that I am walking into an ambush of some kind.

If nothing else, I am interested to hear what the therapist has to say. The last few days have been pretty good with us, talking a lot, feeling close, etc. But today, for some reason I just couldn't stop replaying his most recent GRAPHIC sexting over and over in my head, and right now I am back to feeling like I just don't know if our marriage can recover from this AGAIN. He says that this time was a huge wake up call because this fime he really thought I was going to divorce him when DDay happened.

He has been proactive about reconciliation, reading books and going to IC, and basically trying to woo me with dates and love letters and extravagant gifts. But right now, at this moment I feel like the only thing keepin g me from throwing him out is the fear of being alone. In my heart, I believe that he will eventually get "bored" again (an oft-cited excuse) once the drama dies down, and when the next slutty opportunity for excitement comes around we will be right back here.

Also this week, I am expecting to see a change in my direct deposits become effective. I made arrangements for part of my paychecks to go into a savings account in my own name. I have promised myself that if he does it again, I am DONE, and I plan to be prepared to retain an attorney and rent a new place for myself and my kids the very day it happens.

MylarPineapples...

It sounds like you have some good boundaries in place already. I agree, that right now your husbands A's need to be addressed before any other marital issues.

I hope your counselor can offer you both some solid tools to help get you started on the road towards healing

I remember that time well, although, like you, I knew there were marriage issues, until the A issues that were consuming me, were addressed there was no marriage therapy talk.

I also get your fear about ambush, there are many therapists ( in my experience ) that think "helping you put it behind you" is the answer, that was the last thing I needed to hear, I had mind movies, triggers, physical pain, etc etc, I was living in the effects of my H's A, there was no way in hell I was in a place to "put it behind me" that seemed more like rug sweeping at that time.
So just be ready to calmly stand up for yourself if the therapist suggests you need to work on anything at this time, let her know you need to figure out how to not want to throw him out everyday before you can work on anything else!

I know it might not feel like it right now but a marriage can survive an A, it's insanely hard but if you decide you want that, it can be done. But I also realize sometimes the marriage is too broken, too many lies and you can't come back. Hopefully your meeting will be productive and help you find more clarity.

This morning I was really angry, and I kind of let loose with venting to WH quite a bit via text message. But I had calmed down by our appointment this afternoon, and it really went pretty well. This was not a marriage counseling appointment per se; this is a therapist WH has been seeing for IC. WH has a lot of underlying issues that contributed to this behavior, and the therapist did a really good job of explaining to me all the different issues he thinks WH needs to address. He (the therapist) did say that his perception is that WH is very genuine and sincere in his desire to be a better husband and father, and to do whatever needs to be done to correct his impulses. The therapist said WH is kind of a complicated guy in that he feels there are some ongoing addictive behaviors (WH has been clean and sober for almost 20 years) that are manifesting in other ways, as well as some depression and OCD. Along with a host of FOO issues and unhealthy coping strategies he's developed over the years. WH started taking an antidepressant a few weeks ago, so we'll see how that goes, and the therapist also encouraged him to start going to a 12 step meeting of some sort again. He mentioned a sex addicts meeting as a possibility, but honestly that makes me nervous - I feel like that might just lead to him learning new unhealthy impulses or learning how to hide his behavior more effectively. He thinks AA might also be a option to try. He also suggested that with WH's "dual diagnosis" issues, and potentially other mental health issues that are undiagnosed, that it might be a good idea for him to consult a psychiatrist for a second opinion as well.

We had a good talk after the appointment, and discussed what behaviors I need to see from him to rebuild trust. I told him I need 100% honesty, and I need to see him setting conservative and firm boundaries in his interactions with women. Such as, no texting with women he's not related to, period.

He did volunteer some information to me tonight as well, that today at work Coworker #2 approached him and asked "how he's doing". He said currently he's not doing well, that his wife is still very upset, and that he's dealing with major problems d/t what they did. Her response? "Oh, I'm sorry. Do you need a hug?" (WTH is wrong with this skank???) WH says he simply responded "No, I don't" and then he turned around and walked away, while she stood there staring. Assuming this is true, I think that is a good first step to starting to set some boundaries. I also was happy to see that he voluntarily told me about this, as I know he was worried I would flip out, and there is no way I ever would have found out about it if he hadn't told me.

So all in all, I feel like we made progress toward getting back on the right path today.

I see lots of good healthy points being made by you mylarpineapples.

I like your guys approach to have him do IC first...then work in couples therapy as he progress s.

You are showing lots of patience...and a considerable amount of insight into your own feelings...both will serve you well on this journey.

God be with you.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 10:17 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]

Thanks Blakesteele. I am actually feeling more positive and hopeful today after the appointment and our talks yesterday. I really hope that he continues to work on things once this initial crisis panic feeling starts to die down.

He just sent me a text telling me that he is required to work on a project together with Coworker #1 this afternoon. He said he just wanted me to know, because he promised he would be totally upfront with me. And he promised he is committed to maintaining appropriate boundaries. Nothing like putting these new promises to the test right off the bat!

MylarPineapples...

I was so very happy to read your post. I hope that doesn't sound indifferent or that I am downplaying your pain.

But that your husband told you about the idiot woman approaching him, and that you didn't freak out - which just opens the door for future discussions, rather than hiding stuff.

You paved the way for him to tell you about the project with her. Good for BOTH of you!!!

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 11:59 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)]

Thanks for the positive reinforcement WhatsRight. It's hard to know the right way to react sometimes, but I do want him to tell me these things so I figure that getting angry at him for the actions of OW is counterproductive.

He says that nothing inappropriate happened today. He was working with Coworker #1 on the project today (different OW than the person who approached him for a hug yesterday). Apparently she has a boyfriend that she is getting serious with now, and he says she didn't try to flirt with him or make any inappropriate comments. He said she did ask how we are doing, and he just told her we are doing great. (This OW was aware of the bomb that went off in our marriage during the DDay involving her in January, but I don't think she is aware of his activities with Coworker #2.) I am glad he responded that way - although it is not the truth that we are doing great, our marital problems are none of her business, and I feel that his telling her we are happy and doing well was a demonstration of him setting a boundary with her and giving the impression that he has no "needs" that are going unsatisfied. I certainly would NOT want him to be commiserating about our problems with her!

It does drive me slightly nuts sometimes that he still sees and talks to these OW on a regular basis at work, but I also realize that it is not something I can control or prevent so I try not to dwell on it.

So today, WH came home and told me that he got stuck working in proximity to Coworker #2 for awhile this afternoon. He says she approached him to say basically that she misses their friendship and she is upset that they don't talk anymore. She said maybe she should send me an email to apologize. WH says that he told her it's unfortunate that they can't be friends anymore, but that he values his marriage most and that is the natural consequence of their actions. And he told her that he did not think that her sending me a letter was going to change that.

I hate that girl so much, and I can't believe she thinks they can really still be close friends after what they did. But I thanked him for telling me. Part of me really hopes she does send me an email, because that would give me an opening to respond and tell her what I think of her in more detail. I did send her a brief message after DDay, letting her know why I was unfriending her on Facebook. I wasn't nice, but I held back considerably. I'm honestly not sure what I would do if she did send me a message, and don't think that she'll probably do it since WH told her I wouldn't care what she had to say. But it's still fun to compose a response in my mind.