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One night stand confessed vs long term A caught

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PrincessPeach06 posted 7/23/2013 06:41 AM

Obviously they are different situations and both suck but I'm wondering if the healing/grieving process is somehow different?

Just over 2 months in I find myself not thinking much about the A and focusing on all the other areas of our M and ourselves that need work. It all seems so soon to me to be able to "accept" what happened. I'm not sure I'm there 100% but I don't feel much anger/sadness concerning it anymore. I see it more as a stupid thing done by a broken man more than anything.

karmahappens posted 7/23/2013 08:11 AM

I dunno, you have had 2 ddays...both appear to have started with ea's.

a few months in and you are getting to acceptance? People are different, but I get the feeling you have some feelings deep inside that will one day come out if the flood gates ever open....

Did you sweep the first A? Did he get into IC? He was obviously broken back in 08...and didnt do what was needed to fix himself or he wouldn't have repeated in 2013....

Not judging, more of a hmmmm KWIM?

JanaGreen posted 7/23/2013 08:21 AM

Ditto Karma.

When I came here originally it was for a ONS with an escort, committed while out-of-town with a (unbeknownst to us at the time) serial cheater who had the bright idea of ordering up some escorts. My husband was in a semi-blackout drunk state and went along with it. He confessed to me and was incredibly upset with himself for what he'd done.

Sounds like I just BARELY belonged here, right? Except I had another D-Day in 2012 with inappropriate emails and then he filed for divorce when I had an issue with that, and ended up hooking up with yet another OW before pulling his head out of his ass.

I think the healing process is probably different for everyone, but I'd be very wary of slipping into thinking that this:

I see it more as a stupid thing done by a broken man more than anything.

excuses anything, or means it won't happen again. It DOES seem soon to be over it, I'm sorry to say. Make sure you're letting yourself feel your feelings, not just pushing them down.

((HUGS))

[This message edited by JanaGreen at 8:22 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]

PrincessPeach06 posted 7/23/2013 08:22 AM

Just thinking out loud in the fact that my own feelings kind of scare me as if I'm giving up or something. Because 2 months does seem so soon but I feel like I've been through so much our entire M that I just don't care. I don't know, maybe in just trying too hard to figure things out or fix it all. We never did deal with the 08 one and now I feel like I've been an idiot my entire life and will never be able to feel secure again so why bother??

karmahappens posted 7/23/2013 08:39 AM

Two months is the kids summer vacation...it's the blink of an eye.

Do you want to be back here in 2018?

If your answer is no...get to some IC make him go to his own (I forget if you guys are already, sorry)

Plant your ass there and figure out why this is ok with you. Why you would be willing to shut yourself down and be treated like a doormat...

And find that anger. I know it's there. You have to be screaming deep inside.

Is there nobody telling you that you are worth it? Is your inner voice just so used to being told to shut up?

You deserve so much more. You are in your 30's...don't throw this life away.

You haven't gotten to acceptance...you are settling.

Change your mind and demand better.

If you can't start for you, start for those 6 kids...show them that life is worth fighting for and people don't just lie down after they have been beat up. Show them how to walk with your head held high and what self respect and dignity look like.

(((hugs)))

PrincessPeach06 posted 7/23/2013 09:02 AM

Reading all these responses has me sitting here bawling on the bathroom floor. I feel like I haven't been able to be emotional all summer with the kids here - I hate crying in front of them. :(

We have counseling today and after today have to start IC. But I'm angry because the counselor basically said I shouldn't tell WS how I'm feeling - that is what my IC is for so I hold it all inside at home. I guess that's how I talk myself into not caring. I tried books for me and WS but the counselor shrugged off affair books too.

WS knows I don't agree but the counseling is free and we can't afford it any other way really.

karmahappens posted 7/23/2013 09:14 AM

said I shouldn't tell WS how I'm feeling - that is what my IC is for so I hold it all inside at home

Hell no

you tell him. He needs to know how he hurt you...what his actions did to you.

I am glad you are starting IC. Heal you, let him heal him....just focus on yourself.

Its ok to cry on the bathroom floor, and its ok for kids to see their parents cry. there is pain in life and they can learn and know that it is ok to show your emotions.

I wish I could hug you...you will be ok, you really will get through this.


I am sorry to monopolize your thread.

(((hugs)))

Alex CR posted 7/23/2013 09:32 AM

((((PrincessPeach06))))) This is not an easy road and with kids around, it's doubly hard.

I think you might want to think about a new counselor though....not telling your WS how you feel accomplishes what???? Looks to me like it means the WS doesn't have to deal with the fallout and as to the comment about books...well there are a lot of books out there and a good teacher uses the best materials available to supplement their classes. And I think marriage counseling is a class and the counselor a teacher for just the two of you to help deal with the betrayal and learn ways to better your marriage.

Hopefully your IC is someone who understands infidelity. You go right ahead and read those books and tell your WS how you feel. Communication is a road to healing.

If your WS really wants to R, he needs to understand the devastation his selfish actions has caused and he won't know if you don't tell him.

There are ways to communicate without attacking and you can find that information from a good IC and in a good book.

Take care of yourself.....this is a long road and one none of us ever thought we'd be traveling, but we are all learning, healing and surviving.

Lonelygirl10 posted 7/23/2013 09:36 AM

Your MC's comment sounds really weird to me. My MC told Wbf all the time that I had the right to ask anything I wanted to. She told him that I had the right to be sad and be angry. And she recommended two books on the very first visit.

It might be better for you to do it alone than with this MC. It sounds like she's making things worse, not better.

confused615 posted 7/23/2013 09:40 AM

The therapist has no clue what she is doing. If you can't afford to find another counselor,then drop this one. She is doing far more harm than good.

PrincessPeach06 posted 7/23/2013 10:20 AM

I'm so glad now I posted this. Some tears have helped and I sent a text to WS telling him how badly I am hurting and it feels like I'm dying inside. I have been lying to myself, trying to convince myself of anything and everything other than the pain.

WS is at work but I know he is desperate to help me but struggling with how. He said I'm sorry and I love you then asked if I wanted to go by myself to the counsellor or just him or quit or what. He gets home at noon today thankfully. I think he needs to take me for some ice cream :) and to talk.

confused615 posted 7/23/2013 10:25 AM

It sounds like he handled it well,and is supportive of whatever decision you come to.

Truly..a bad IC/MC will do a lot more damage. If you can't afford either, that's ok. Not everyone R's with MC/IC. You can read and post here,read self help books and books on how to deal with the aftermath of an affair..there are exercises in a lot of the books that the two of you can do together. And as long as he is being open and honest,and the two of you are communicating,THAT is almost/more helpful that a great IC/MC.

((((PP))))

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