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Question about friend's A--what to do

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starstruck posted 7/23/2013 08:33 AM

Recently a good friend--who knows all about me dealing with the after effects of WH's A--told me that she was involved with a MM.
I so want to let the BW in on their dirty little secret.
Should I??
I don't know why she had to tell except she was so excited about this relationship!
Triggers abound!
Need help here.
Thanks so much to all here on SI for their sound advice.

Jennifer99 posted 7/23/2013 09:03 AM

I don't know what I would do.

In my job position I sometimes hear things I really wish I didn't know.

Yesterday it was a male and female newbies - bf/gf but she was married.

I spent the entire day clenching my jaw so hard it hurts today and I have a tooth ache.

I spent my evening at home thinking about me being the bs and wh's HR person knowing and me going on about my life clueless for a year.

I was going to post about it but then I didn't really know what I expected SI'ers to say.

Just sucks.

If I had a "good friend" doing this shit I'd probably be flipping a nutty on her and saying WTF!!!!!!!!!!!! I pull no punches with my good friends. Might be more productive if you try to help her through how unhealthy this is or get her to seek help than tell the BW.

And I can't believe I said that! But if it was me I'd want my friends to smack me smart before causing that kind of devastation.

But if I was the BW I'd want someone to tell me but then I read so much about how the bw's or other bs's don't want to hear, or know and get mad and don't want to hear it from other people.

So I don't think there is a right answer here.

But for sure if your friend is a good friend I'd tell her how you feel. Might give her a nice visual of what SHE might go through some day if karma exists.

mepe27 posted 7/23/2013 09:18 AM

This is my personal opinion, based on my experiences. Unless you are an aquantaince, at the very least, with the BS I would lean toward not saying anything to them initially.
I would however let friend know that they aren't the type of person I want in my life. I get she is a good friend but she's cool with lying and hurting people, she is also cool with sharing her behavior with someone you would think she would care about and doesn't see how her behavior would hurt her? Selfish liars need consequences and I think you are the person to provide those to her. Maybe if you explain how shitty she is and why you wouldn't want to be friends with a shitty person, she'll get the hint and correct her behavior.

To follow up briefly about why I wouldn't jump to telling BS. I have known BS's that a stranger called and alerted them to their WS behavior, the BS's were shocked and of course didn't want to believe it and the WS explained how a crazy person had been stalking them and they didn't want to alert their spouse, or some similar story, playing the victim, the BS wanted to believe the WS of course and without proof they sided with WS and then lived in fear about some stalker!!

So if I talked to my friend and she told me she didn't care that she was hurting a family and didn't care if we didn't hang out I may persue alerting the BS but I would have an email in hand or something and I would give some back ground about who i am and why so the WS couldn't make me out to be crazy. It might get complicated and the BS may lash out at you.

I know some here believe always tell BS, I lean that way but I also recognize that every single aspect of an A is complicated and rarely goes as planned, including notifying a BS.

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