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Anger and More Blame

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Ashland13 posted 7/23/2013 09:13 AM

It is a search for answers to communications from angry STBX, as more and more boundaries come with the divorce process.

He is very, very angry at so many things and it is suspected that his new life is not as rosy as he dreamed, and much of this frustration is coming out in anger at me. I am working very hard not to be a target any longer, but am writing to seek advice for putting up higher walls around myself.

The man has actually blamed me for the legal boundaries we now have and I suspect he doesn't want to remember that I have them, too?

This time is about his visitation-again-he wants to do some plans with DD that I just can't say yes to because they aren't standard, so he is rude and dismissive. He is convinced I am reading the papers wrong when I can't just say yes, but I've had counselors diagnose me as "no dummy".

I've returned to college and actually carry a 4.0.

I don't always know how to interact with this person and tend to just not respond, because the hurt is so piercing and lingers so long.

I don't understand how someone's thinking could be so warped as to continue to believe his life's problems are because of me? I haven't been in his daily life for almost two years now. Did he not think there would be consequences when he first set out to tell OW he was a widower and he was not?

How can it be that he did that himself, made the choice and knew it, but blames me? I am at a loss to this way of thinking and he just continues to treat me as if I'm stupid.

He did also, try to blame his entire A and seeking OWs on me, too. I did not set his GPS or take his profile picture or tell him to.

Any ideas are helpful. Sometimes NC isn't something I can get away with, because it's "yes" or "no" with our daughter.

Thank you.

peridot posted 7/23/2013 09:33 AM

It's easier if you don't have to hear them talk. It also cuts down the fight because you can choose what to ignore and what to respond to if you stick to email or texts.

It's easier for him to blame every thing on you because if he blames himself then he has to face his demons and the consequences of his actions.

Ashland13 posted 7/23/2013 09:41 AM

Oh, yes, we are back to only electronics...I learned a really big lesson that time a few weeks ago, especially with not being able to trust him so much.

He is very angry to have boundaries and can't seem to understand that we all do.

I wonder if the "silver platter effects" of his early life are coming out now? I'm remembering a little that he grew up among wealth, with extreme praise and without a ton of rules...but he would tell otherwise!

Many things were handed to him, until he grew up and had to work harder, as we all do. Maybe now that he can't just come and go in DD's life and has to explain or "ask", it bothers him immensely.

I also like your theory, Peridot. I've heard it before, but when the down times come, it's not easy to remember.

SBB posted 7/23/2013 10:18 AM

You are trying to make sense of the nonsensical.

You will never work it out. None of us will.

Accept that in his mind it is ALWAYS ALL going to be your fault. It is how he can live with himself.

Demonising you makes him feel like less of a demon. Hell I've been trying to be invisible for the better part of 7m and everything is still all my fault. WTF-ever.

I would work on figuring out why you still give a flying fuck what he thinks/feels/does. Take a good, hard look at the source. Not who you hope is somewhere inside (he isn't) but the noisy annoying fucker in front of you.

NC is yes/no when you have children. Only answering direct questions that he cannot get the answers to himself. I only communicate things that only I know about. Everything else he can work out.

When he challenges you on the papers tell him to go through Ls.

You will find no answers looking at him. You will find all the answers you, your heart and your soul need by looking at you.

Shine the light back on you honey. Stop leaving yourself in the dark.

devistatedmom posted 7/23/2013 11:21 AM

Ash, stop trying to figure out how to get him to understand that he has boundaries and you have boundaries, etc. Just live by those papers.

Get out a piece of paper, and write down your pat answers. One per line for easy reference.

It's in section xx of our agreement.

I'm sorry, that doesn't follow our agreement.

The agreement states xxx in section xxx.

That is no longer your concern.

I'll have to get back to you on that. (remember, you rarely ever have to give an answer "right now". Stop, breathe, think, find the part of your agreement that covers it...then go back to your pat answers.)

If he's abusing you in have no right to talk to me like this. We can talk when you are reasonable. (and walk away!)

Get those answers down. Refer to it each and every time before you answer him on anything. Use them. It might take a year because he's so thick in the head, but sooner or later he will learn that you aren't going to take the bait, you are going to follow the decree regardless of how he rants, and that is the way life shall be now.

Give him nothing to feed his ego and feeling of superiority. It's not your job to make him feel special, and you won't ever figure him out, so just get your answers and run with them.

Housefulloflove posted 7/24/2013 07:33 AM

He will never see the truth because he has made it his life's mission to avoid reality at ALL costs.

No matter how clear it is that the problem is him, he will never ever, ever allow that to process in his head. He'd blame unicorns and aliens before he blames himself.

Let that idiot be angry! It's HIS emotion to deal with and no longer has anything to do with you. His anger and his comprehension problem is no longer your problem!

The only thing you can do is treat him like the non-factor that he is. Short answers like the ones suggested here, hanging up the phone or walking away as soon as he acts disrespectful in some way, saying "no" and letting that be the entire answer..etc. He's a giant, tantrum-throwing 2 year old that you no longer have to deal with. Stop trying to soothe that overgrown baby and ignore the hell out of him.

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