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HURTAGAIN1981 posted 7/23/2013 09:33 AM

Just curious about the people here who have come through the dark tunnel of infidelity, healed themselves and then met someone so great that they never imagined it possible.

How did you meet?

For me this seems pretty hopeless right now. Maybe I'm impatient, I don't know.

Trying OLD but there seems to be noone sparking my interest AT ALL!

Nature_Girl posted 7/23/2013 09:35 AM

You're most likely not ready for a new relationship. You're most likely not even ready for a good fuckbuddy.

Newlease posted 7/23/2013 09:42 AM

I met SO in a bar. I immediately friend-zoned him. He waited patiently for 1 1/2 years while I had a horrible rebound relationship and some dating "experiences."

Once I got my feet under me a little more, we started dating. I really think it's all a matter of timing and luck.


HURTAGAIN1981 posted 7/23/2013 09:45 AM

You are right Nature Girl. Although it is what I ultimately want, I don't think I am ready yet.

I guess I just need and am looking for some reassurance that it will happen sometime in the future. Right now it just feels like it will never happen.

Confused1829 posted 7/23/2013 09:58 AM

Hey - Nature_Girl you may be completely wrong.

I think a lot of times here on SI we IMMEDIATELY assume that people aren't ready for a relationship or ANYTHING.

Well, sometimes that's true. But not all the time. There is no set formula or magical sign that emerges and says to you clearly 'yes, now you're ready!'

Yes, we've all been bucked off the horse but that doesn't mean swear off horse riding altogether. Sometimes the best thing we can do is get back on.

HURTAGAIN1981 - I hear ya. Sometimes I feel the same way you do. It's frustrating. Afterall we went from one extreme (a committed, sometimes loving relationship that was forever) to all of a sudden, being alone without expecting it. And not only that, but when we feel we are ready (which is all that matters - not whether or not your friends, family or strangers think you're ready) we keep being told there are plenty of fish in the sea, but all the fish we come across we want to throw back in! It's like, are you kidding me? THIS is what's out there? Geesh!

All I can say is one step at a time. It isnt' easy finding someone who treats us well and who we also have a spark with that also feels the same way back. There's a reason why there are endless books and movies on the subject, as well as businesses dedicated to helping us find someone special! It isn't easy.

In the meantime, try to get comfortable with yourself, on your own and with just plain dating again. Not every drink or meet up has to be about a long term relationship. Just try to enjoy the experience of it. With each date, no matter how bad it may be, you learn more about yourself and what you like, and dislike. You'll also start to feel more and more confident.

Give people more of a chance than you normally would. That's what I've learned. I'm so quick sometimes to 'find a red flag' that I end up ONLY looking for the bad in people instead of what we may find common ground on, ya know? I'm not saying date a loser by any means, but date outside of your comfort zone.

It's almost like shopping, we always gravitate towards what we know and like that sometimes we miss out on what may really be great on us!

One day at a time and try to enjoy it. The real thing will happen. Just have faith and don't give up!

As a side note, I met my current SO through friends, but I think OLD is a good place to start. Try going to more and more events and outings and forcing yourself to meet people. It'll happen. Promise!

Amazonia posted 7/23/2013 10:06 AM

I'm in a good relationship now; we met through mutual friends. I had a good relationship a bit over a year ago as well (didn't work out because of life circumstances), met him through OLD.

My first encounters into dating were less healthy, although not terrible. The healthier I've gotten in myself, the easier it's been to date healthy too.

Wait until you no longer feel like you're in a dark tunnel, IMO. If you can't feel the sun, you're not going to make a very good partner, and the kind of person you'll attract won't be very healthy (and likely won't help your overall healing process any, since they'll just distract you).

met someone so great that they never imagined it possible

I have so far only met one person so great that I never imagined it possible. And it hasn't been any of the guys I've dated, as wonderful as some of them have been (or the current one is). The only person I never imagined meeting was myself, and finding myself and realizing how great I am, well, it was a pretty big surprise.

HURTAGAIN1981 posted 7/23/2013 10:16 AM

Thank you all!

It's pretty hard to explain I guess. I'm not in the best of positions right now, mentally. There are many issues going on aside from the horrible thing of trying to recover from an NPD. I guess in some ways I feel ready to met someone I like who likes me also and to take it slowly. But it just seems impossible. OLD atm is pretty depressing as all of the people who message me I am not really interested in. I have met a few who seem nice in person but I wouldn't want to take it any further with any of them. Just seems like a huge effort for nothing really.

I will try to relax a little more and try to be patient while I wait for him to come along

InnerLight posted 7/23/2013 10:20 AM

For the longest time I felt nauseous at the thought of being with a man, having a relationship. I listened to that gut feeling, that discomfort that kept me from trying dating for a year and a half which seemed like such a long time. I felt that all relationships were doomed and it was hopeless so why bother.

I remember the exact moment when I felt OK at the thought of dating for the first time in 18 months and I got on some free sites and started looking around receiving messages from men.

It turned out that the first man that I had a first date with became my SO. It was just a cup of tea and only took 30-40 minutes. It was not obvious at the start though and I met many other men as I was doing the initial dating as I took it all slowly. There were three weeks between date 1 and date 2. Something clicked on date 2 when we looked at art together. But it still took us another month to kiss.

I've never had such a slow approach to starting a relationship before and discovered many benefits to slowness.

Take your time to enjoy life again. That can take a while to get to after the pain of infidelity. There is not need to rush and there are many benefits to slowly feeling your way through the wreckage and creating a new life. Benefits like more self-understanding and confidence to name just a few.

Nature_Girl posted 7/23/2013 10:22 AM

I might be wrong, but I've been reading HURT's posts for quite some time. I based my opinion on what I've read so far.

HURTAGAIN1981 posted 7/23/2013 10:36 AM

Thanks InnerLight. I guess it makes a big difference when you are ready for someone.

I really don't know if I am or not. I look through the messages I receive and I'm just not interested in them at all. It's a case of no, no and NO!

It's not that I feel sick about being with someone else, it's more that I can't imagine it right now. Not sure I will ever be able to feel anything for someone again. But in some ways I do want someone to feel those things with and have someone there.

I am also worried about my age. I am 31 and I feel that time is running out. I do want to find someone decent and to get married and have children, but I feel I don't have a very big window for that.

It seems impossible to meet someone at a bar around here. When I go out all the men are the same, just players and assholes so it looks like OLD is the only option right now and that's not going well either.

NatureGirl, I definitely understand what you are saying. I am probably not ready. I am no longer sure though if that is because I am dealing with the fallout of what happened with XNPD or if I just need to get over that because for a good few years I haven't had a decent relationship with anyone, and maybe if I did find someoene who was worth it and we had mutual feelings then that is what is actually missing and creating these negative feelings in me.

foxglove posted 7/23/2013 11:09 AM

I am six and a half years post A and D which happened in my mid-40s.

After a long marriage, I did not feel prepared to either date or enter a healthy relationship with another person. I did alot of work on myself - really processed the end of my marriage, went back to school, and reconnected with old friends and causes. I tried not to think about living alone for the rest of my life, but worked at building a happy life all by my self.

After about four years, I started to do a little dating, mostly in situations where I was introduced to a friend of a friend or the person was someone I had previously known.

My SO and I have been together for 18 months. We were introduced by his sister, who is a very good friend of mine. I had actually been introduced to him 10 years earlier when we were both married. It has been a really wonderful relationship.

The healthier I've gotten in myself, the easier it's been to date healthy too.

Amazonia is quite correct. It's important to recognize a healthy person when you meet them.

I've also found that staying in the moment, appreciating the life I have now, working to make myself and my life the best possible, and not worrying about the future to be the best strategy.

Good luck -

hummingbird8 posted 7/23/2013 11:17 AM

I hated OLD. It was just not my thing. And I had actually met my ex online but not on a dating site many years ago.

I met my current husband at work. I know for some that is off limits but it worked for us.

Good luck.

Confused1829 posted 7/23/2013 11:19 AM

Nature Girl - good point! I haven't been keeping up with a lot of stories so you likely have better insight than me


The only person I never imagined meeting was myself, and finding myself and realizing how great I am, well, it was a pretty big surprise.

I LOVE this!!! Good point


I am also worried about my age. I am 31 and I feel that time is running out. I do want to find someone decent and to get married and have children, but I feel I don't have a very big window for that.

Sister - I HEAR YOU. I am 31 myself. I met my XH when I was 22, engaged at 24, married at 25 and divorced by 29. I also feel like time is running out. I've posted about this a lot too. In someways, I feel robbed. When most people were 'having fun' I was settled down, and now that Im in my 30s and newly single, everyone else is settled down and ready to move into that next phase. I was thankful when I was married that I wouldn't feel rushed or pressured to have kids as I was 'safe' and with someone. Now I find myself in brand new territory and it's disheartening at times.

It's very confusing and scary. My cousin, who is also recently divorced, is my age. But he is a boy. He doesn't understand the pressure that women have. It's biological. He's like 'well i can get married and have kids whenever, there's no pressure for me'. But even though I don't want kids tomorrow, I know that my body will only work for so long. It's math that you can't help but think about.

I'm probably not helping.. but I just wanted to let you know you aren't alone in your concerns. But I look at it this way. I wouldn't want to have a baby, no matter how desperate I am, with my fXH. He was a total asshat. I'm not going to dodge THAT bullet just to risk it for someone else because I'm scared.

If it doesn't work out and I can't have kids on my own, I'll figure it out. I can always adopt or something. I'll find a way. I always do! As long as I've got me, I know I'll be ok and find a way to be happy :)

Don't let fear hold you back or make you feel like you have to rush something. Life will work out :) And you aren't alone. You're pretty amazing and if you're out there and single, there are other amazing singles out there too!

In the meantime, learn to love yourself and the less the other stuff will get to you

hurtinky posted 7/23/2013 11:51 AM

A few days ago you were posting about installing a key logger on a computer.

It's mind boggling crazy that you are on line trying to meet men.

You need to go to counseling.

EvenKeel posted 7/23/2013 13:07 PM

For me this seems pretty hopeless right now. Maybe I'm impatient, I don't know.

IDK if it is being impatient but I remember thinking "NOW WHAT??". I mean we are in relationships and THINK we know where the path is leading and then it dead-ends. Sometimes it is hard to envision what to do next...

So what feels natural is to find someone new and proceed down a new path....or so we think.

I jumped out there too soon and it just ended in some dead-end relationships. After going through the wringer, sometimes it is just like you think you need validation from another human (or so I did, at least).

I just subscribe to the theory that "The best is yet to come!" and wait it out.

forced2moveon posted 7/23/2013 13:38 PM

I met my SO just a month after my cheating husband walked out the door.....

I was very depressed and was talked into going to watch a band play. I wasn't really into going so I wore a pair of yoga pants and a tank top. (Something I would wear to sleep in) Anyway, my friends knew the guitar player and so they introduced me to him when he came to our table. We hit it off and have been together now 9 years! I thought he was my rebound guy but he turned into something much better!

Helen of Troy posted 7/23/2013 14:36 PM

*But* I went on a lot of first dates, a handful of 2nd dates. I wasn't immediately smitten with him (current SO), wasn't disgusted either. It was light, fun and ok. Began to really like his personality as we dated, fell in love at exclusivity. We are very different in size. He has over 1 foot of height on me and over 100 pounds. I didn't set out with those requirements it just happened and it feels nice & safe too. I'm really smitten over him now btw.

Now don't think it is all sunshine and unicorns or that the people posting on this thread are just lucky or better looking, etc. etc.! I have a story to tell about OLD and doing that too early. To Hurtagain1981 and anyone else this may help or save from heartache. Believe us when we say do not go out there too soon or before you are healed!
I jumped into a rebound relationship (not long enough after) divorce. It lasted 3-4 months he too was freshly divorced out of LTM (but his reason was not infidelity related) and he too was not healed enough. Double whammie! RED FLAG. It took me a year to get over that and was another swift punch to my already shattered self esteem. Not only that but many other people have been taken advantage of on this forum and otherwise because even though a person may look or seem nice, s/he could be a predator who senses your vulnerable state.
Broken attracts broken. Wait until you're healed enough to offer someone the best of you, and likewise you will attract someone good to you and good for you when you're emotionally healthy enough. There's no rush. Recognize and honor your feelings. Want to be touched? Get massages for skin hunger, Lonely? a pet for company or volunteer at animal shelter if having one of your own is not an option, volunteer to hold crack babies at ICU, and Horny? Get a good sex toy for lusty feelings. Read self help. Exercise. Eat nutritious foods and drink water. You won't regret it.

HURTAGAIN1981 posted 7/23/2013 16:35 PM

Thanks for sharing your stories. It really helps to hear other people's experiences with things like this.


It seems you went about it in the right way and seem a lot happier and healthier for it. I am glad that things have worked out for you and I hope that you are and will continue to be very happy


WOW, that was very young to get married. It is good to know that someone knows how I feel about this and it does help to know that I am not alone.

I also feel robbed. I have wasted 14 years really on relationships that have turned out to be utter crap and just a waste of time. My first ever boyfriend I was with for 7 years. He ended up cheating on my for the last year of our relationship with an absolute fruitcake who stalked me for the next year. Had to get the police involved in the end to warn her off. They're getting married this year. How wonderful

The next three are hardly worth mentioning. I could just kick myself for even bothering with any of them. What a waste. Sometimes I feel more hopeful. I feel that if I just wait and be patient it will all work out in the end. Other times I start to panic when I realise that it really does not work out this way for some people. Some people never meet that special someone, and I fear I will be one of those.


I understand where you are coming from here. I was still then in investigative mode. It was more of proving and validating that I was right about him rather than still trying to check up on him or obsessing over him. I have since let that go.


That makes complete sense to me. I just don't think I am one of those people who enjoy being single for too long. I love this though

I just subscribe to the theory that "The best is yet to come!" and wait it out.


That is GREAT and I am really happy for you. I go out quite a bit but there are times when I think, meh what's the point? I suppose it happened when you were not looking for it and was not expecting it. I am glad that you are now happy :)

will get by,

I wasn't immediately smitten with him (current SO), wasn't disgusted either.
This made me laugh I will carry on with the OLD and see where it takes me and try to be more patient and I am SO GLAD that you are smitten now. Whoever I meet with definitely be a damn sight taller than me, as I am only 4ft 11 so that's not going to come as much of a shock

want_to_forgive posted 7/23/2013 16:49 PM

HURTAGAIN, I am in a brand new relationship that came from out of the blue. I was at my best friends house with her and her husband about three weeks ago when a good friend of her husbands stopped by.

I had met him before, but not since I was single. I knew he was a super nice guy but he wasn't someone I would traditionally be attracted too. A little short, a few extra pounds. I can't explain what happened that night, but holy sh*t we hit it off.

He just emailed me a picture of this quote today with the word TRUTH! in the subject line: "The best relationships usually begin unexpectedly."

By being open to someone outside my traditional type, I think I may have found something amazing. And I wasn't looking in that place, it just happened.

HURTAGAIN1981 posted 7/23/2013 17:07 PM


Thanks for sharing that. It is stories like this that certainly give me hope for the future!

That was a lovely quote that he sent you and he certainly seems to think a lot of you already! :)

By being open to someone outside my traditional type, I think I may have found something amazing. And I wasn't looking in that place, it just happened.

I will try to above also and give people more of a chance. I just find it difficult to be attracted to people in the first place anyway, I guess I have my little own 'I like what I like' and that's not even saying that they have to be good looking.

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