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Newest Member: ashm7 (60758)

User Topic: end of R : (
♀ 39759
Member # 39759
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just can't do it. I have been believing his fairy stories that he didn't fancy her, didn't want her as more of a friend and that the kisses were no more than attention grabbing. He said the sex was a one off disaster and he only did it to keep her happy.

Well, all of a sudden 5 wks later I have woken up to the realisation this was all bull. How could he have had sex and all the other stuff if he didn't fancy her? Why kiss her twice at work if he didn't fancy her, why hide their 'friendship' that involved texting around the clock - 750 times in 6 wks. Because he did fancy her and did want her. It's so obvious a blind man can see but I have been in denial I believed his downplaying cos I desperately wanted it to be true.

He has done all the right things to R (after months of lies and tt when the truth came out) I had my old husband back. He regrets it all and has been in bits about it. He has supported me, applied for jobs all over country to get away from her. I have his phone and email records. He has been so patient.

I just realised today I am fooling myself. HE didn't love me enough to be faithful yet I am expecting myself to forgive him and move on. I can't face being second best.

OUrs is a hard situation and my solution will have many of you rolling your eyes.

On the day he confessed at last he first told me and our 8 yr old he was leaving cos he didn't love me anymore. HE was back in minutes with the truth and swore he only did it to protect me from the truth. HE thought I would handle him leaving better than hearing the final truth that they slept together. MY little boy was broken by this. HE keeps asking if our family will fall apart. I can't see him hurt by our separation.

The other problem is we can't afford to live separately. I have bipolar and extreme anxiety so am on benefits and need help to manage my meds and appointments so I can be the best mum I can be. I am ashamed to say I couldn't manage appointments etc alone. My illnesses are so debilitating, as are the effects of the meds that I would need daily help.

so h wants to r, I have decided I can't do it. I just can't open myself up to be hurt again. As a result we have decided to stay together as friends so our son knows nothing for now. We may tell him at a later date, prob when h finds a new girlfriend. I want him to have stability, especially after losing my dad, his granddad in may. His little world has been turned upside down and as long as we aren't arguing and can work as a team he should be just fine.

I am just hoping now that H can deal with this. Surely it's better than being a part time dad, plus he will get his washing done and his lunches made lol. All will stay the same I just won't have an intimate relationship with H and have asked him not to bring women here unless they are someone he is serious about and needs our son to meet.

Does anyone have any input on this, suggestions to make it work or a kick up the backside if this plan of mine is bound to flop?

Surely after 18 years of marriage and friendship we can at least keep the friendship going for our boy?

Posts: 1067 | Registered: Jul 2013
♀ 33374
Member # 33374
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is this the life you want for yourself?

Is this the model you want your son to see?

Gently, I would take a good, hard look at what this life really means and see if it really would be easier.

You are not dealing with rational people or situations. Normal thought processes won't work...story of my life.

Me- BW, 30
Him- fWh, 36
Mostly R'd, minus a few scars...bought a house and got a puppy...And baby makes 3! She arrived August 2013

Posts: 2156 | Registered: Sep 2011
♀ 32430
Member # 32430
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Doesn't sound very healthy to me. I get you have needs due to illness, but if your H finds someone else, you would eventually split? I don't really understand this part. If the affair is a dealbreaker for you, and you will eventually split anyhow, why not do it now? Much better than living a lie right in front of your son.

The other part is you say your H has been great in R. You are only 5 weeks out. R is a LONG process. At 5 weeks, anger, disbelief, sadness, are all circling. The affair was a fantasy, not reality. You are not second best. If you were, I am sure your H would have just left and went off to have a grand time with OW.

Typically, this is not the time to make quick decisions. Give it some time. Get into IC at the very least and maybe even some MC so you and your H can give it a shot. If you are sure you don't want the relationship, I would start working on a plan to get out. Because waiting until he has another girlfriend is clearly not a good route to go down.


[This message edited by Myheartstillhurt at 10:16 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]

BS(me) 34
fWH 38 (Epicallyfailedu)
OW/xBFF of 28 years
Four girls under 11
DDay: 6/5/2010

Posts: 2018 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Michigan
♀ 30826
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Im sorry,but I believe this will harm your child far more than divorce will. It will give him a warped view of what a healthy marriage looks like.'re going to continue to be a wife to your WH..cook,clean,everything as it is now..just no sex? And he will come home,eat the meal you prepared for him,the shower,and put on the clothes you washed for him..and go out on a date with another woman?

This will cause you so much more pain.

Do you have a friend who can help you with appointments? You really can't depend on this man to take care of you when he is very clearly showing you he can't be trusted.

Gently, he has not done everything to R with you that a WH should be doing..he has been very angry with you,impatient that your healing wasn't immediate,and has punched walls because you were sad. And wasn't he recently sending facebook messages to an ex...and you found out after the fact?

You must find some way to handle your bipolar and your meds and your appointments. You have to stop counting on him. Basically with this new arrangement,you are allowing him to date...what happens when he meets another woman and she isn't ok with him living with his wife..separated or not? or she has a problem with him taking care of you? Because it will happen. You need to get a handle on this NOW..before it you have a plan in place when he walks away.


FWH 48
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.

Posts: 15220 | Registered: Jan 2011
♀ 36654
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It may be the end of R, but what you are suggesting will only bring hurt to you, your husband, and your son. How will you deal with him dating other women??? Are you wanting to date other men?? How will your son fit into all this?? How long do you think you can keep this a secret from your son?? Not trying to burst your bubble, but this is just messed up to even think this would work out OK. JMO

BS-54 XWH#2-No longer my monkey
M-11yrs LTA-5yrs Divorced 8/15
"A person is either an asset or a lesson"
"Changing who you are with does not change who you are"

Posts: 8796 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
♀ 39759
Member # 39759
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's the only reasonable solution I can see right now. But it would not be a long term one. I have not thought as far ahead as what will happen when he meets someone. I am scared he would get our son and I would be a part time mum. That's why I have to do whatever I need to to keep myself with him. I love my H but accept he could not have loved me to do what he did.

I see it as helping each other, he runs the errands I can't and I feed him and wash his clothes.

If he meets someone else then we will civilly work out another plan. I would give him up not to have to deal with this pain.

Its easier for me to step back and let him live his life than deal with what he has done. I don't hate him I just view him more as a friend and co parent then a husband now.

I know 5 weeks in is nothing but all I am doing trying to deal with it is upsetting everyone. Especially my son, surely it's healthier than seeing mummy with red eyes every day. It's tearing us all apart so surely it's better to end it and be a family for our boy and just ignore what has happened cos it wont hurt me as much anymore if I don't have to face it.

I know I sound like a coward but I can't watch h and son falling apart cos I can't get over it. Something needs to change and that something is me.

Posts: 1067 | Registered: Jul 2013
♀ 39759
Member # 39759
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have had way too much pain in my life and especially this year. I will happily play housewife to keep my son happy and yes even to keep H happy. I love them both so much.

I am just too damaged to recover from this unless I step away for a while and I don't want son to know I am doing this. I want him to feel secure.

I am sure when things settle down we will work something better out but for now it feels like a good emergency plan and to give me some breathing space to think of the future instead of drowning in the pain til I am no good to anyone.

If I end up taking another od cos I can't handle the pain it would be a far worse outcome and right now I am as broken as you can be and still be breathing.

Posts: 1067 | Registered: Jul 2013
♀ 39759
Member # 39759
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh and Hell No! I am not in the least bit interested in dating. No one would want me and I wouldn't want anyone else. I would rather be single than be hurt again by h or any other man.

Posts: 1067 | Registered: Jul 2013
♀ 30826
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The fact that your WH would agree to this kind of arrangement is just cruel. HE could change. HE could put forth the effort and do the hard work to repair the damage he has caused. HE could step up and be a man. Instead,he's ok with this?? He's ok with you sacrificing yourself so he can go out and fuck other long as he comes home and plays pretend with you? He's ok with you putting yourself in a position to take on more pain?

Your son will know something isn't right. Kids aren't blind.

Are you ok with teaching your son that *this* is the way a man treats his wife? And it's ok for a woman to be shit all long as it keeps the "family" together? Have you really considered what this will teach your son?

I know the pain you're in. I remember shaking..just shaking..for hours...I told WH that it was pain leaving my body...that there was just so much pain,my body couldn't contain it. I couldn't believe it was possible for a human being to hurt SO much and still be alive.

It does get better. But you have to help yourself...not sacrifice yourself.

[This message edited by confused615 at 10:51 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]

FWH 48
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.

Posts: 15220 | Registered: Jan 2011
♀ 39759
Member # 39759
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No!! I know what you mean but H is a GOOD man! He cheated and lied but it was a one time mistake. It's ME that can't handle it no matter how hard he tried.

He has done everything he can to make it up to me, much more than I can list here. He is a great dad and our son idolises him.

Honestly, I would find a way to leave if he wasn't a good man and father. He is NOT happy about this, he is heartbroken but for now, for me, I have to step back.

I can't process what has happened AND try and move on. I need to detach emotionally until I can accept what he has done and forgive him but I don't think I could try again anymore.

I have not really given him a say in this matter. I am protecting myself for once.

His response when I told him was that he would still fight for me. I don't want him to though. I want to step back so I have the space in my bipolar blur of a brain to try and take it all in instead of trying to do it all at once. I would not do this though if I thought we could R as it would not be fair. Hence why I have offered him his freedom.

It's really confusing but basically he wants me, he is trying DAMN hard. I just can't deal with it and can't see myself trying to R again. The pain is too much.

It's easier to step back and deal with what he did first. Then look at my future and that of my son. But I can't see R in the future so I am laying my cards on the table now as I don't want to give him hope we could R. I am giving him the option of staying for our son and cos of our situation. But also cos it's not his fault I can't accept his millions of apologies and move on. He should not have to live away from his son when he is so remorseful. It's me that can't try anymore.

Posts: 1067 | Registered: Jul 2013
♀ 39759
Member # 39759
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can see how screwed up this sounds and I am not really making much sense. I am just grabbing at any chance to stop the hurt but still keep my family together. I don't think he would date but I can't let him in my heart when it is so full of pain no matter how hard he tries. so I just want him to stop trying so I can step back and try and process stuff on my own. But I don't think it's fair, after telling him we will R, to step back and say actually I don't think I can do it but please hang around and be faithful until I make my mind up. It's fairer to give him his freedom.

Hope that makes sense.

Posts: 1067 | Registered: Jul 2013
♀ 30826
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ive looked at your profile. This was not a one time mistake. It was a conscious decision. And it happened more than once,with more than one OW. You are minimizing your WH's actions and trying to put all the blame on yourself. He has lied to you over and over..he has TT'd you. It's not nicknamed "trickle torture" for no reason. Being betrayed like this is a traumatic event..compound that with multiple betrayals,TT,and lies and honey of course you're not over it.

A great dad respects the mother of his children..he doesn't betray her and disrespect her. Was he a great dad before he cheated? Maybe. After,sure. But as long as he was cheating and TTing is not a great dad. A great dad doesn't eviscerate the mother of his kids.

You are making yourself out to be the bad guy here,saying all the pain in your home is your fault because you can't get over your WH's multiple betrayals. getting past this takes time..3-5 years. You are putting too much pressure on yourself to make everything ok..and it has resulted in you making this very bad allow him to date,while having all the comforts of a wife at home..and no child support to pay.

You are less than 2 months out. He could be doing everything exactly as a WH who wants to R should be doing..and you will still be in pain because betrayal is painful.

Instead of offering him his freedon as a way to keep the peace..maybe he could go to could go to IC...the two of you go to MC..and the two of you can set a time each week to discuss the affairs so you can vent,ask questions,etc..and he gets a hold of his anger and stops yelling and punching walls...he could post here on SI..there are a whole lot of options available to you that don't involve you watching your WH walk out the door in his freshly laundered clothes(that you washed) on his way to meet another woman.

Stop. You deserve more than this. You deserve a husband who will help you through this Hell HE put you in. If he is willing to do all the hard work to is possible. But if you do this...allow him to cake will do so much harm to yourself and your son.

If your WH is really the man you say he is...then he should be willing to do whatever you need. And you need to understand that even if he is doing everything,you will still hurt. Because betrayal is painful. It takes time and hard work..but it does get better.

ETA: This plan won't stop the hurt. No matter what you do or where you go,the pain will be there. Pretending to play family will cause more pain. Watching your WH date will be excruciating.

No..I don't think you're crazy..I think you are in an incredible amount of pain and you're desperate. But,honey,this won't help you. It won't.

[This message edited by confused615 at 11:35 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]

FWH 48
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.

Posts: 15220 | Registered: Jan 2011
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First, if this is what you want to do now, so be it. We all have to find our own paths. If it works, great! If it doesn't, you can change your decision. It sounds like a step forward for now, so good for you!

Even though your H may be totally committed to R, it's a gift the BS offers, if the BS wants R. It's OK not to offer R or to end it if you want to. You're not doing anything wrong. Period

Second, this bothers me a whole lot.

I am ashamed to say I couldn't manage appointments etc alone.

There's no need for shame, olwen. Stop being ashamed - you're wasting energy you don't have.

This does make sense to me:

My illnesses are so debilitating, as are the effects of the meds that I would need daily help.

Not having enough money to hire daily helps also makes sense to me. You are where and who you are. You need help doing things that most of us muddle through on alone. That's OK. No need for shame - you're OK.

Third, I assume you're seeing an MD because of the drugs. Are you also in IC? My bet is that you're filled with lots of conflicting thoughts and feelings, and talking with someone neutral might help you sort them out and get some peace and solid direction.

I say that because I think you might really want R. You said a couple of times that you don't want to get hurt again, but living an isolated life is also terribly hurtful (unless it's your nature to be isolated, I guess). You can't avoid pain - but a remorseful WS who does the work s/he needs to do is, IMO, the best bet for someone who won't hurt again.

I don't think you're ready to go after what you really want yet. Maybe you don't yet know what you really want yet. That's OK.

Be gentle with yourself, and give yourself time.


As of September, 2017 -
fBH (me) - 70+, fWW, Married 50, together 50+, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
I share my own experience because it's all I know.

Posts: 16300 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Illinois
♀ 27196
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But I don't think it's fair, after telling him we will R, to step back and say actually I don't think I can do it but please hang around and be faithful until I make my mind up.
of course it's fair. It's MORE than fair. It's what every other BS here on SI is doing as they process the fallout of the A. Sweetie, you are still very very fresh in this process. Please don't make any decisions yet. Give it more time.

Me, BS, 58
Him, WS 61
D-Day June 2009
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1:
Episode 2:

Posts: 7192 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
♀ 39380
Member # 39380
Default  Posted: 10:43 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Most people that ive talked to say give it at least 6 months to a year, if hes doing good at R, before you make your final decision. If hes really doing good and has made real changes, then I think you two should sit down and talk about everything you need to talk about. If you haven't already, try MC. It has done a great deal of good for us, with a good councillor that doesn't choose sides, to get an educated perspective on how to deal with each other during R. And maybe he has alot of problems that are the root to his infedelity that he might not even see a connection with. It takes a bruised and broken person to have an A, he probably needs more help then he knows... My H has alot more to work through then he ever thaught he did. Ask the questions you need answers to, say what you need to say and do it until your satisfied. Me and my H talk for hours on end, almost every day. I find myself asking the same questions multiple times but that's what big part of R is, talking. I think if hes doing good and is willing to do anything to stay married to you, then he should be happy to sit there and take whatever you dish out. R is a long hard process but I have found that talking helps alot. Good luck

[This message edited by DoneWithLove at 11:09 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]

BW: Me (24)
FWH: Him (24) Jlaz1988ws
Together 11/12/06
2 sons, ages 5 and 1
Married 9/29/12
EA turned PA with OW/ coworker for 2- 4 weeks
D day 4/20/13
TT 4/20/13 - 7/30/13
"R" 5/3/13

Posts: 191 | Registered: May 2013 | From: The mitten state
♀ 36700
Member # 36700
Default  Posted: 2:59 AM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had to do the same. I think theyre should be a I can relate thread for those who stay for reasons than love. I a in my twenties and its becoming more of a trend for people to co parent in cohabitation due to financial reasons or for the kids or health. how it effects the kids depends on how old they are and how its presented to the kids.the more research i do the more i realize how bad it fucks up a kid mentally to grow up in a single parent home. i am willing to sacrifice my happiness to an extent for my kids well being.i would rather be able to raise them then send them to daycare 60 hrs a week to struggle to support them. i say if the shoe fits where it. it depends on what YOUR priorities are.

if i had no children it would be different...i have theres nothing in the dating world for me. not trying to t/j but i just wanted to let you know that there are tons of us who stay for the children and ive seen that scenario workout in the best interest of the children. they need a mother and a 8yr old told me he wants a dad around even if im unhappy...honest to god. i couldnt believe it. this is after i kicked him out one day. he told me that even if hes not the best husband he still the best dad(in his eyes). i wont take that away from him and u cant force your child to see your spouse from your eyes no matter how big of a douche they are. ive given up so many areas of my life for them. thats what a good mom does. Seeing them happy makes me happy.

Also maybe seeing him try to fix things can show him that family is important and IF he ever makes a mistake that could ruin it that you need to be a man and at least try to fix it and not just walk out.

make sure you remain detached emotionally and no intimacy...if he changes for the better maybe one day you can reconcile. if not you keep it a logistically planned out arrangement that benefited your son...and saved you from heart ache. you sound like youve weighed your options and are prepared for the worst yet you hope for the best. good thing.

im sure the majority of SI will disagree with me as usual but what works for most doesnt work for all. take the advice you need and disregard the rest.

It also good advice to give it AT LEAST 6mths-1yr before making a permanent decision. If your plan isnt working 6 mths out or so then you can change it any time you would like. If its detrimental to your son,let it go, but if its working for him in a positive way then continue. Youll be happy to at least say you tried and your son likely will be to.

There a huge key though. you need to ESTABLISH BOUNDARIES AND CONSEQUENCES. and stick to them. Your ws can not just do what he wants. Read Co dependent no more and go to local or online coda meetings. even al-anon can help. and get in IC as well. your going to need someone to vent with and bounce sane ideas off of to keep yourself healthy and progressing in a positive manner.

Take care of yourself,180,and be ready for this "thrilling" roller coaster your riding. ((olwen))

s/n: i posted here a while back asking how common it was to stay because it is in the best interest health wise financial wise and kid wise and it happens a lot more than u realize. Dont be ashamed of anything!!

[This message edited by whensenough at 3:15 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)]

WSO: 29
BSO: 27 mommy of 3 under 7, #4 due may 2013
D Day#1: august 25 2010 ow#1
D Day#2: jun 15 2012 from 7 mt PA/EA with ow#2
+ a couple of short term flings.
D Day #3 sometime the last week in march / false R Same ow

Posts: 222 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Tx
♀ 38437
Member # 38437
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Just read your profile. Your story is not that different than many of ours who have chosen to R. Your feelings are well understood.

R is a rollercoaster. You are very new here and have a very recent Dday.

Please give yourself the luxury of TIME.

You don't have to make any changes at this moment.

Your H sounds like he is trying. He sounds like a man who made a horrible mistake, but is remorseful.

The A was not about you.Give yourself time.


Me: BW 51 at the time(didn't have a clue)
Him: FWH 54 at the time(extremely remorseful about his stupid midlife crisis)
Married 27 yrs at the time
DDAY 04/25/12
Working on R
PA Lasted 2 weeks. OW totally screwed up $@#%.

Posts: 264 | Registered: Feb 2013
Topic Posts: 17

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