[This message edited by hopefor1day at 4:19 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]
I'm reading a great book now about compassionate communication skills (Nonviolent Communication by Rosenberg). The author writes at length about requests vs. demands. When I read your post, I wondered: are you (perhaps subconsciously) resisting these books because you interpreted the reading as a demand, not a request? Rosenberg says, "A demand explicitly or implicitly threatens listeners with blame or punishment if they fail to comply." Demands, he writes, are often met with resistance. Maybe think about that, see if it resonates with you? If you'd chosen the books, would you be reading them faster?
As for bringing up the As: I'm resistant too, because I don't want to "remind" BH of them, especially if we are having a nice evening. But recently I applied a suggestion I read on SI: anticipate your BH's triggers, and head them off at the pass. If you're about to drive by a hotel or restaurant where you and the AP met, you can say, "Honey, I'm so sorry if driving by this place is painful for you now, because of what I did there. You did not deserve that."
[This message edited by 20WrongsVs1 at 11:39 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]
Neither Betrayed Spouses nor madhatters can post on a thread with a Stop Sign. We'll get the Stop Sign removed shortly.
Unless you genuinely have a learning disability, you have no reason not to do this. Set aside time every day -- even 30 minutes-- to read the books. Take notes. Then spend time talking with your BH about what you learned from the book, questions it raised, how it might apply to your situation, etc. That totals the time for one tv show. Show your husband he's worth one tv shows worth of time.
This also gives you a good structured way to talk about the A. I get not knowing how to bring it up casually so to speak. So structure it in.
Keep working at it. R is a long and hard process. It can feel discouraging! But the effort can really be worth it.
[This message edited by StrongerOne at 12:07 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)]
I had a book to read and it took me a year to read it. I felt that it did not relate to us in many ways and our situation but I should have read it right away because it was important to him. I now have another book I'm reading but again its a slow read for me. I am not reading it fast enough to satisfy him as it has taken me 4 months to read about 75 pages.
I am guessing that your husband bought these two books. I can tell you that one of the big reasons that my wife and I are likely heading for divorce very soon is that she has drug her feet on reading the two books I went and bought. After she took weeks to get through about 60 pages of the first book I tossed it out. Now, she has made it through 70 pages of the second book and I suspect the divorce will be final before she hits page 71.
To me, it showed a certain disrespect for me and the pain I am going through. It sent a signal that she is not willing to face the A and work through the pain.
Also, if she had actually read the books she might have actually learned ways to help us both work through this.
In short, read those books --and then be proactive, select additional reading yourself.
If you are slow reading the books because they cause you pain, tell him. You might be ready for him to blow up a little because he is in pain, but I think that it would help him to know that you are not just blowing his request off.
As far as talking about the A, don't worry so much about bringing it up and reminding him. He hasn't forgotten. The oddest things remind him anyway, so at least this reminder has a purpose and is helpful.
I don't know whether this describes your situation, but it gets very old for the BS to always be the one who initiates the discussion. If you don't already do it, go to him and ask him in a loving, soothing way how is doing, and whether there is anything he wants to talk about.
Also, and I don't mean to sound harsh, but the next time you hesitate to bring up the subject ask yourself if you are really trying to protect him or yourself. He has told you that he needs you to talk to him more. Take him at his word.
[This message edited by Later at 2:34 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)]
And if you have time to watch tv...you have time to read and do the work you need to do.
[This message edited by womaninflux at 7:50 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)]
I just have no idea how to satisfy his needs of talking about it more and bringing it up on my own.
This was hard for me too.
It felt like well we're not talking about it so why bring it up or You're having a good day so I don't want to ruin that.
At first my shame was so great that I never wanted to talk about it. As time went on my shame lessened. It just got easier to talk about. It took practice. I would get all anxious, wallowing in my own self pity. I don't know where the shift was but it just got easier.
Not that It's a walk in the park, I don't skip around singing let's talk about the A.
I know how much work I'm doing, got past the shame of it. Stopped rolling around in self pity trying to make myself a victim (I know, funny right?)
It was a big shift in my thinking, and it took a lot of work to get out of it. Now I can see those unhealthy thoughts coming from a mile away, and can head them off.
I guess I started with my own triggers.
It helped my Bs to see that I had triggers, that I thought about my A's and what they did to him, me, our family.
That the damage caused consumed me too.
I don't think it's possible to make up for what we've done to our BS's. What we can do is make ourselves safe, so this doesn't happen again. Make them feel safe.
Get cracking on that reading. It's helped me a lot.
Try and be proactive, I've really struggled with that, but I'm giving it a go.
"Your secrets keep you sick"
So, good luck. I cannot and will not tell you how you need to read the books, I can give you, as I did, what has worked for me.
I think if she asked me again what my passion is,, I think I would have to say, "My one passion is to hate reading,, anything."
Here is the thing -- as the BS it is tough if you are the one who always has to open the discussion. If that is the case, there may be a tendency to "hold off" between discussions so that you are not badgering the WS. It's during these periods that the pressure builds, and what could have been a healing conversation turns into a mindless rant.
My W is conflict avoidant, she always avoided bring up any A related topic, not so much about relationship related topics or what she perceived as failures on my part in the M. IMHO, this was salt on the wound, though I indulged her. I would suggest you write if you can't initiate conversations.