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Broke up w So. He's not doing well help

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tiredofit posted 7/23/2013 10:49 AM

So I broke up w my SO. We had been having issues about time and effort and if you read my previous post -the fact that he was hesitant about accepting my FB friend request. We broke up a few weeks ago but he keeps texting me stuff like he's lost his best friend, I was the best friend he's ever had, now he has no one, he's so depressed his heart is empty etc. I just found out that his house might be foreclosed on. I am feeling AWFUL. Even with all of our issues, he is the kindest man and most wonderful father. He's asking if I'm sure that I'm done with him. His kids are great and I don't think he's told them yet.
I feel so guilty. I don't know what to do.
I'm sure others have dealt with this before??

hemademesingle posted 7/23/2013 11:18 AM

You feel bad because you are a good hearted person,

He calls you his best friend, but refused to have you as his facebook friend?

Amazonia posted 7/23/2013 11:19 AM

He calls you his best friend, but refused to have you as his facebook friend?

5454real posted 7/23/2013 11:20 AM

Is that a Hoover I hear?

tiredofit posted 7/23/2013 11:31 AM

He said the FB friend thing was a mistake and apologized. Told me to resend it but I didn't.
I feel horrible. He said he's crushed.

Nature_Girl posted 7/23/2013 11:31 AM

Yeah, that's a tornado-sized Hoover for sure.

Amazonia posted 7/23/2013 11:39 AM

It was a mistake to not add you on facebook? Like, "I've made a terrible mistake" or "Oops, hit the deny button instead of accept"?

Sorry, but once you're broken up, this guy isn't your problem.

Sad in AZ posted 7/23/2013 11:43 AM

I don't understand why you're dithering over this. You obviously felt it was a big deal that he would not accept your friend request on FB and you gave legitimate reasons for your concerns, especially his comments to you about his fear of what you would post on his FB page. At the very least he was dismissive of you; at the worst, he felt that you would embarrass him.

Now he's sad--poor little muffin. He said the FB thing was a 'mistake' but he's not making this about you--it's all about poor little him. Don't fall for it; he has shown you who he is--believe him.

[This message edited by Sad in AZ at 11:43 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]

tiredofit posted 7/23/2013 12:00 PM

I don't know why I'm dithering either. What's wrong with me??

Amazonia posted 7/23/2013 12:06 PM

Welcome to the crowd of those of us who care too much.

Honestly, it seems counter-intuitive, but stepping back and letting him figure out his own ish is the most helpful thing you can do for him. Even though he will fight it.

It's also the most helpful thing you can do for yourself.

Can you block his calls and messages?

tiredofit posted 7/23/2013 12:07 PM

I don't know if I can do that. It seems so cruel.

She11ybeanz posted 7/23/2013 12:13 PM

Welcome to the crowd of those of us who care too much.

<----ME

forced2moveon posted 7/23/2013 12:21 PM

And why do you have to resend the facebook friend request????

He could request you as a friend! Wouldn't it be nice if he had made that small step towards you?

5454real posted 7/23/2013 12:31 PM

Even with all of our issues

hesitant about accepting my FB friend request

his house might be foreclosed on

Where would you see it going?

lieshurt posted 7/23/2013 12:37 PM

I don't know if I can do that. It seems so cruel.

What about how he treated you? He was afraid of you embarassing him. What does that say? Isn't that actually cruel of him to say about you?

You aren't being cruel to him. He is facing the consequences for his choices...as he should.

GabyBaby posted 7/23/2013 12:39 PM

You aren't being cruel to him. He is facing the consequences for his choices...as he should.

This.
I get the feeling that because he's having issues in his life (foreclosure, etc), he's using you as a fallback Feel Good. Don't let him.

Crickets.

Amazonia posted 7/23/2013 13:44 PM

It isn't cruel. It's having healthy boundaries. You shouldn't be responding to this stuff; blocking it will prevent you from having to see it and get hurt by it.

Caring too much = codependence. If you haven't read Codependent No More, you absolutely have to.

Crescita posted 7/23/2013 13:48 PM

I don't know if I can do that. It seems so cruel.

Itís not particularly kind to only offer part of yourself, or to sacrifice your happiness for his. If you step in as his emotional caretaker he will expect more from you, he wonít work on his issues, and it will be very difficult for both of you to find more fulfilling relationships.

Youíve ripped the band-aid off, why hold on to it?

InnerLight posted 7/23/2013 16:07 PM

It sounds like you need to set your boundaries up for post relationship NC. I really recommend NC at least for 3 months so that you can get out of any co-dependent tendency and refocus on your own life. You cannot help him. He will have to step up and take care of himself. You might say...

"I'm sorry you are having a hard time with this break up. I need to take some time to work on my own issues and so I will be out of contact. I know things are challenging for you right now but I can't help you with this. I will be out of contact not to be mean, but just because our relationship is over and I have to take care of myself right now."

hurtinky posted 7/23/2013 18:56 PM

Cruel was him telling you that he was worried what you would put on his FB page. You should have dumped him like a hot potato after that.

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