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NC never happened

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stuckforever posted 7/23/2013 11:56 AM

I've been a lurker here for the last 4 years and haven't posted about my WH because it is such a long story. But now I feel the need to go ahead and post so here goes... My WH who was 47 when he cheated with a 24 yo howorker who traveled to our town for a meeting with WH. They developed a relationship over 4 months mostly over the phone and then when they both had to go out of town for a business meeting they slept together. He supposedly talked to her about our marriage, me, our kids...everything. Heaven forbid he talk to me! At the time our phone bill was sent to his personal email and he would forward it to me to pay. Well, in February I accidentally deleted it when he sent it to me so I went into his personal email to get another copy (which he had no problem with). That was when I found the email from her saying how much she enjoyed their rendevue the previous evening. I got to it before he saw it. He had just returned from the business trip that morning. I confronted him about it that night and he denied everything. Then after hours of interrogation he finally broke down and cried, admitted everything, and begged for forgiveness. I still sensed that something wasn't right and sent him to the store with my daughter the next night and then got on his work computer and did a little digging. I found out he had a secret email account so I looked at it (he uses the same passwords on everything so I guessed until I got it right). The stuff I found was disgusting. According to him, she is his soul mate and she makes him glad to be a man! There were also naked pictures of her in their hotel room. I printed out everything so fast I think the printer was smoking! I also checked our phone bill and there were PAGES of calls between them! So, now he knows that I've found out everything. I guess it was time to go underground so to speak. About a month later I was working on a project and needed a certain tool so I opened his toolbox and there sat one of those pay as you go cellphones! The cheater was still in contact with her! When confronted oh how he cried and begged me not to leave him....he loved me. Yeah right. So, I decided to give him the chance to do NC and straighten up already! Fast forward 4 years...He seemed genuinely sorry and we were doing fine and I was finally happy again. He promised NC and if she ever tried to call him again he said he would tell me. Then he started acting a little 'off'. He was sick to his stomach for about a week and this is a man that is never sick. He just had this look about him that was terrible. So naturally, I went into detective mode. Now, I have never gone this far before but I had this feeling that something was wrong. I followed him to work. Sure enough, he went to Starbucks instead of straight to work. HE HATES STARBUCKS. He would never take me there. I sat there for about 30 minutes watching and sure enough he came out with a woman. He got in his truck and she got in her car. Then they drove off. I was in shock!!! Long story short, it was the same howorker! The NC in 4 years howorker. He says there was nothing he could do about her coming to town for a meeting at work and he didn't tell me on purpose so I wouldn't be upset. I am so lost. We have been married 30 years now and I have no job because I am slowly becoming disabled. Work for me is not an option. I have a 16 yo daughter and I cannot support myself if I kick him out or get a divorce. I am sooooo lost.....

1Faith posted 7/23/2013 13:04 PM

Dear Stuck

So sorry you are here but if you have been reading for four years then you know that there are a lot of great people here who have been in similar situations and genuinely care.


He says there was nothing he could do about her coming to town for a meeting at work and he didn't tell me on purpose so I wouldn't be upset

Doesn't explain why he met her at Starbuck's. What was his response to WHY he CHOSE to go and meet her?

You don't have to make a decision to stay or go at this point. The financial component plus children are usually the reasons many BS spouses choose to stay and try R.

Regardless, you cannot allow yourself to be disrespected. If you are disabled you would get alimony and child support and perhaps disability from the state. Just something to ponder.

I hope I am wrong but my instinct tells me that it has not been NC for four years.

Define your boundaries. Make WH call OW with you listening or on speaker and finally get the whole truth. Then you can make a plan on how best to proceed.

Strength and hugs...

tushnurse posted 7/23/2013 13:13 PM

So he met her for work, so has he been in contact with her the whole time?
What is he telling you about that?

I am sorry for your financial and health situation, but until you meet with an attorney, you really don't know that you are stuck. There are laws, and rules, and rulings in place to protect kids, and spouses, especially those with disability.

Start stashing some funds as well. Take an extra 10-20 out every time you go to the store. This adds up. Gives you a nest egg.

Do you know what you want? Would you stay if finances weren't a consideration? Is he being remorseful? Did he do anything to change himself when he cheated 4 years ago? (I don't really expect you to answer these here, but they are things you should try to look at as an outsider, so that you can gain some perspective).

((((and strength))))

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