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User Topic: WW letter to BW
quoththeraven1
♂ 35458
Member # 35458
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is a long one. Mrs. QTR and I had a rather angry discussion this morning. In the two weeks post d-day, I had noticed that she seemed to think that I was just going to get over the latest betrayal, and that nothing had been done to set the record straight. The issue was that she had shared my sin of porn with her sister (which I learned in 2002), but failed to mention that she was involved in adultery since 1998. After d-day in 2008, I believed that she ought to tell her sister, since she had outed me while in adultery. Didn't seem fair otherwise. But, I did not insist until d-day 2 in 2009. I gave her what I believed to be a very mild consequence, that I required telling her sister. Later, she maintained that she did not remember making that promise. Hard to believe.
On this past d-day (July 6) I told her that 2 people needed to know immediately: the BW and her sister. I gave Little Prince Charming a week to tell, then had to go there Sunday evening and tell her myself. Nothing seemed to have been done regarding my sister in law, so I asked her if she had "forgotten" again, and she told me the reasons that she did not believe that she ought to tell, including that it would set events in motion that would open this scandal up to public scrutiny, cost me a relationship with her family, and my job etc.
I was not seeing what this site describes as true remorse in her words. I was seeing pride. Please understand: I am in no way minimizing the damage I did by looking at dirty pictures and movies. But I no longer think that it is the same. I suggested for the 2nd time that she visit this site, and ask some of you who have experienced both of these things from a ws if they really are the same.
She also stated that I had not been honest with her, I had since on d-day (July 5) she asked me if I had quit, and I told her that I struggled with it again, and had since I found out about the adultery. I told her that I had maintained my purity through most of this year, that I had relapsed in May, and that I had again re-committed myself to not doing such things.
I don't want to be guilty of self-justification, but I don't think that her finding out just by asking me the question is the same as her outright lies, especially since I had written her in January of this year, asking her if she was in contact (she said no) and assuring her that it would be safe to tell me this, and are you sure? (she said "I would tell you if I were in contact") Again, not to justify me in my weakness, but she didn't catch me, I told her. I didn't justify, but I did nothing wrong for 5 years while she committed adultery and required consequences of me for my sin. I failed, not when I found out that there was an affair, but when I found out it was still going on, and that they had been together in a hotel room the day before. It's not an excuse, but it's probably predictable, especially for a guy who realizes that his wife, who's too tired for sex, is not too tired for sex with Little Prince Charming.
Anyway, it was an explosive argument in which I told her that I was sticking to my timetable of her leaving our home in 10 days. I then received this letter.
Finally, here's my question: Is this true remorse? I already told her that to me, this meant that she didn't have to leave. Premature? I'm afraid I was overcome with emotion when I read it. Please, weigh in, and I thank you in advance. Names are edited, of course
Raven,
I wanted you to know that I've written Mrs. Little Prince Charming a letter telling her how desperately sorry I am for all that I've done. I would like to tell you, as well. I realize that you will view this as more lies and manipulations but I would like to say it, anyway. I am desperately, desperately sorry for all the sins I have committed. There is no excuse or justification for all the wrong I've done and I'm ready to accept the consequences of my sin. I'm deeply sorry for all the pain I've caused you and for all the disappointment and pain I've caused so many others. I'm deeply sorry for the damage I've caused to the church. I'm attaching the letter I wrote to Mrs. Little Prince Charming here so you can read what I've written to her. I'm so, so sorry.
Mrs. Quoththeraven1

Dear Mrs. Little Prince Charming,
I realize that Iím the last person in the world that you want to hear from so Iím writing you a letter so that you can throw it away if you choose. I donít have your email address and Quoththeraven1 said that you werenít sure you wanted to talk with me but I would like to offer this apology if you would allow me.
I know how feeble and shallow these words will be at this point and I can certainly understand if you do not believe a word I write but I would like to tell you how desperately sorry I am for all the sin Iíve committed. I take full responsibility for all the ways Iíve hurt you and deceived you and wronged you. There is absolutely no excuse for all the wrong Iíve done. There is no excuse or justification for how Iíve hurt you and Quoththeraven1 and so many others. I know that the words ďIím sorryĒ are pathetic but they are all I have.
I would like you to know that I am to blame for all this heartache and that I, initially, wrote LPC a letter telling him of my feelings for him. He was going through a very difficult time, then, and I took advantage of that. Iím so very sorry for that. I am also responsible for keeping the relationship going and for contacting LPC. I am so very sorry for that.
Iím not writing you to try to avoid the consequences and punishment for my sin. I am ready to accept those. I just needed to tell you how deeply, deeply sorry I am that Iíve hurt you so terribly, that Iíve hurt Quoththeraven1 so terribly, that Iíve hurt and disappointed many, many people and damaged the church. I know that I will have to give an account to God for all the ways that I have sinned against Him and against you and for all the horrible damage Iíve caused. I hope there will come a time when you can forgive me though I donít deserve either your mercy or Godís.

[This message edited by quoththeraven1 at 1:06 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]


Posts: 166 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Appalachia
confused615
♀ 30826
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The letter to his BW is all about her. She says as much in the first few sentences when she tells her "I know you don't want to hear from me,but Im writing you anyway."

She is also attempting to protect LPC..she is minimizing his involvement..she took advantage of him..blah,blah,blah. I bet that will make the OM really proud of her.

If she were as sorry for her "sin" as she claims,she wouldn't have carried on the affair for 20 years. She's only sorry now that his BW knows...but not sorry enough to stop the affair before it was discovered.

I also have an issue with her calling it her "sin>" It seems to lessen what she did,somehow. Rather than say Im sorry I cheated on you and lied to you and betrayed you for more than 20 years..she just tidies all of that nastiness up in one tidy little word..sin.

Oh..and her suggesting that one day his wife may forgive her...wow. Forgiveness is earned..over time..and with remorseful consistent actions...she had a decades long affair with her husband. Mentioning forgiveness in that letter was just..ridiculous..and tells me she has NO clue as to the damage she has done.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 8086 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
ifinallyfoundme
♀ 39523
Member # 39523
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not knowing a whole lot about her I would say her apology is sincere. If she is a fallen Christian we are to forgive. That being said she has also stated she will face the consequences of her actions...divorce? I believe it is a good first step.

Posts: 180 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: United States
grace68
♀ 28241
Member # 28241
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would say, watch her actions. If her actions toward you and BW mimic what she has said in her letter then she is truly remorseful. If not it's probably a CYA letter to protect her reputation.

How does she act behind closed doors when no one is watching? That would be a better test of true remorse.


Me - BS
Him - Doesn't Matter
Status: Divorced

Posts: 109 | Registered: Apr 2010
Crushed1
♀ 6449
Member # 6449
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

While her letter sounds somewhat sincere, I have issue with the fact that she was just in contact with him on the phone a few days ago. If she was truly sorry I think she would have stopped the A on her own and owned it a long time ago. You know, conscience would have kicked in...so I'm not sure her letter is from the heart or is just because they are both outted now and she's trying to cover herself.

And on the porn issue, there is NO, comparison to what she did, NONE!!! What she and lpc did is rippling out to both of your families, any children, relatives, and the congregation. She just used that as an attempt at justifying her adultery.

Hugs ((((Raven)))), I am sorry.


~~"You can't run away from yourself"!!! Me to my H when he descended into adultery insanity.
~~Prov.15:13 "By sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken"
~~"The day breaks-your mind aches"
~STRENGTH~PEACE~HOPE~FAITH

Posts: 9903 | Registered: Feb 2005 | From: Texas
Holly-Isis
♀ 13447
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The taste this leaves in my mouth is that her repeated use of the word sin is a subtle reminder that you and the BW are bound by your faith to forgive as you have been forgiven.

She can't even begin to truly fathom what she has done and caused until she actually names the sins.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11341 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
solus sto
♀ 30989
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It leaves me uncomfortable. As a BW, it would not offer any comfort.

There are too many Is and mes.

And I agree with Holly, the repeated use of "my sins" is a cop-out. She has not owned her actions.

Given that NC is barely established, I think this is a self-serving exercise, and one designed to get LPC out of "trouble."

If it has not yet been sent to Mrs. LPC, I would recommend against it. It's hard, for the BS, to hear from the OW. Hearing from one who does not yet experience deep remorse or empathy is sheer agony. Take it from one who heard much the same drivel---from an OW who was delighted to take the A underground soon thereafter.

I'm not saying your wife is moving underground. I'm just saying she's not quite shining the light on what she's done yet--which makes this perhaps a good preliminary exercise for HER, but one that should not be shared with Mrs. LPC. It will cause more pain.

ETA: I also am wondering whether producing these letters was intended to distract you from what you were actually seeking: an answer about telling your SIL about the long-term infidelity.

That she would confide about porn use and still equates that, in her mind, with having a LTA flabbergasts me. She chose to portray you badly to serve HER purposes (justifying her cheating), and needs to correct the misconceptions she's created.

[This message edited by solus sto at 3:55 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 9156 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
quoththeraven1
♂ 35458
Member # 35458
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welllll, it's already sent, so too late on that advice. As for the sil, she finally sent that letter as well.

Posts: 166 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Appalachia
phillygirl
♀ 9078
Member # 9078
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is it just me? Because I don't see anywhere in her letter to the BW a confession of her sins. Just alot of vague language about being sorry about a "relationship" and sorry about "pain she caused". I don't see where see where she truly owns all of her actions, where she takes the risk of publicly acknowledged what she did.

She should have said something like, "I am sorry for having an adulterous affair with your husband", "I'm sorry for participating in an affair that has brought pain to you and your family".

In short, she found a loophole in your request. She followed your request to the letter, but not in spirit.

Loop-holing is not the behavior of a remorseful WS IMHO.


Me - BW
Him - WH
Divorced - 7/2013

Posts: 827 | Registered: Dec 2005
solus sto
♀ 30989
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I concur. It's a very feeble effort.

I hope the OBS is not hurt too badly by the lack of remorse.

I'm glad she told your SIL, though. That's a bit of progress.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 9156 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Ladyogilvy
♀ 31558
Member # 31558
Default  Posted: 11:57 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I second the reaction to the use of the word sin. It does appear to be a manipulative tool to make you feel obligated by your faith to forgive. Does your church promote the belief that not forgiving the sinner is a sin? I know, from experience, some "Christians" rely on that to get away with their behavior. Obviously, they are not real Christians but manipulative sociopaths. WW and OM have proven with their behavior that they are both manipulative sociopaths. Is protecting sociopaths from their behavior the objective of forgiveness? 20 years? Seriously? That's a lot of forgiveness. And right up until you demanded she leave, she didn't show remorse. Now she says it's her fault to protect OM but right up until you told BW, OM had no intention of asking for forgiveness.

This is looking creepy to me.

Another thing is looking creepy as well...

I see in this thread you are saying that you did look at porn before and again more recently... You didn't get caught, you confessed. In it you seem to be looking for support for it not being the same thing as what WW did and it being a reaction to finding out WW was still being unfaithful... I'm confused. Didn't you deny looking at porn before. I'm hyper vigilant these days and any kind of dishonesty is a red flag for me. Looking at porn isn't the same thing but it does raise a red flag to me if you lied about it before and are telling a different story now. Am I misunderstanding what happened.

[This message edited by Ladyogilvy at 12:00 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)]


Me: BW a youthful 49
Him: alcoholic, sober now, WH 56
Married 19 years
Two sons, 16 & 17 years old
DD? He's still keeping secrets and only admits to what I have indisputable
evidence of... the $2000 earrings he bought her for x-mas.

Posts: 1536 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
quoththeraven1
♂ 35458
Member # 35458
Default  Posted: 6:55 AM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm confused. Didn't you deny looking at porn before. I'm hyper vigilant these days and any kind of dishonesty is a red flag for me. Looking at porn isn't the same thing but it does raise a red flag to me if you lied about it before and are telling a different story now.

I'm confused too, Ladyogilvy. Not 100% sure if I am answering what you have asked, but yes, I dishonestly hid these things, sneaked around, initially lied when caught, and broke my commitments to behave differently. If you are saying that she has plenty of reason not to trust me, then I agree. Please understand as well that I am in no way looking to minimize or justify what I did. I set all of these events in motion with my actions.

[This message edited by quoththeraven1 at 7:03 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 166 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Appalachia
solus sto
♀ 30989
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 7:07 AM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not caffeinated, but if memory serves, the denied porn was child porn. Did WW threaten to tell others, recently, that you viewed child porn QTR--- to harm you, NOT because it was true? I'm sorry if I've mixed up posters.

I am afraid I'm not seeing impressive signs of improvement. I'm seeing a desperate woman doing what she has to do to maintain the status quo. I would be on the lookout: I'd expect "status quo" to include the affair. There is zero remorse or insight in the letters she wrote.

I'm sorry.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 9156 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
quoththeraven1
♂ 35458
Member # 35458
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Perhaps Ladyogilvy, if you happen to see this, you could specify what you were referencing. I'd be glad to address anything for clarification.
Solus: there was no threat made since the accusation in 2002, and there was no such viewing. In a heart to heart in 2009, she brought up some of the things that were troubling her over the years, and she again stated that she didn't know why she was receiving those e-mail invitations to those sites. She did not state it as an accusation, and there was no indication that there was any kind of threat there.
The reason I brought it up is this: Little Prince Charming, being her constant confidant, must surely have known of her suspicions. I don't think this was a conspiracy, but instead was more along the lines of willingness to believe any evil of me in justifying their adultery. Now, trapped in a corner, I think that he was saying "it will come out that you used child porn." No conspiracy, just fog.

Posts: 166 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Appalachia
rivenheart
♀ 13838
Member # 13838
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do you know she sent the letter(s) she says she sent?

The preferred method for these things is for the WS to give the letter to the BS, who then mails them. This eliminates any uncertainty as to whether they were actually sent and what was said in the letters. Not that WS's can't sneak around and have alternate means of communication with AP, but it's better than taking their word for everything.


rivenheart ~ heartriven
Me: BW, 36 at d-day; WH, 40

Posts: 1037 | Registered: Mar 2007
quoththeraven1
♂ 35458
Member # 35458
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WW e-mailed it to me, and I forwarded it to the BW, and spoke with the BW both before, to confirm that she would welcome such a letter, and after in order to get each other's impression of the contents.

Posts: 166 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Appalachia
Williesmom
♀ 22870
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The apology letter is pure bullshit, IMHO.

She has no remorse. She's just trying to avoid the consequences of her actions. Poor her.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7868 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
Ladyogilvy
♀ 31558
Member # 31558
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For the sake of clarification, the issue we are dealing with here is your WW and OM appear to be trying to stay in the game long after the time outs ended. Both of them have been mean, cruel, manipulatively cocky, arrogant, selfish, manipulative, controlling, unfaithful... Right up until the end of game bell and now after you tell WW to get off the field she's suddenly willing to say what you want to hear to keep the game going.

IMO, these are not good people. They are play acting at being Christian and using it to manipulate people.

My concern regarding the porn...all of the talk about how the truth about where it came from has me confused. I know you emphatically denied, in a previous thread, there was child porn but I didn't see where you admitted to having viewed adult porn until this thread. The exchange of comments on a previous thread made it sound like there wasn't any proof of viewing porn other than porn advertising showing up. If you admitted to viewing porn before, why would there be a reason to need to identify where the spam came from?

In this thread, you seem to be accepting guilt for viewing porn... After she was already having an A... It's not like a porn addiction drove her into the arms of another man... Or did it? The reason I ask is because I feel like there's part of the story missing. I'm not asking whether you were honest with your wife but whether you've been honest wit SI. It's pobably just something I missed and everyone else here caught.

Why the big deal over where the porn came from if you admit you viewed porn? A little (adult) porn is not a big deal to most people in normal healthy marriages. It only becomes a big deal if it interferes with the marriage. For instance, if you were more interested in porn than your wife. Once trust has been broken, porn becomes more of an issue but you are not the one who broke the trust so that's not relevant here. I'm not advocating veiwing porn, just saying, a little porn is not a big deal under most circumstances. Why are you acting so guilty?

If your concern is that lies will be spread about you regarding child porn, well, anyone can say anything can't they. And it would be their word against yours whether it was true or not. But... Look at where the lies would be coming from. They do not make credible witnesses.

This whole this is confusing to me. Why are we even talking about porn. Why would you want to continue in a relationship where fear of being lied about is one of the issues? The real issue is that you have a lying manipulative WW who's suddenly telling you what you want to hear. After 20 years of hell on earth, dealing with a lying manipulative unfaithful wife, she's acting like she wants to put things right? The key word here is "acting." Isn't that something she's got a long history of doing. How could you possibly trust her sincerity now?


[This message edited by Ladyogilvy at 9:45 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)]


Me: BW a youthful 49
Him: alcoholic, sober now, WH 56
Married 19 years
Two sons, 16 & 17 years old
DD? He's still keeping secrets and only admits to what I have indisputable
evidence of... the $2000 earrings he bought her for x-mas.

Posts: 1536 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
quoththeraven1
♂ 35458
Member # 35458
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For the sake of clarification, the issue we are dealing with here is your WW and OM appear to be trying to stay in the game long after the time outs ended. Both of them have been mean, cruel, manipulatively cocky, arrogant, selfish, manipulative, controlling, unfaithful

Bingo

I know you emphatically denied, in a previous thread, there was child porn but I didn't see where you admitted to there having viewed adult porn until this thread. The exchange of comments on a previous thread made it sound like there wasn't any proof of viewing porn other than porn advertising showing up.

It was not my intent to obscure the fact that I was viewing porn on the computer, and I'm sorry if I left that impression. The topic was brought up by Little Prince Charming's suggestion that there was some kind of trump card to play, and my wondering if the allegation of child porn was it. It may just be that he knows I viewed porn. If that card is played, yes, I'm guilty. In fact he tried that already, and found to his surprise that I had already owned up to it to the individual to whom he disclosed it.

If you admitted to viewing porn before, why would there be a reason to need to identify where the spam came from?

These were email invitations to click on what definitely appeared to be child porn sites. She said that she must have received such e-mails because I must have accessed the sites.

In this thread, you seem to be accepting guilt for viewing porn... After she was already having an A... It's not like a porn addiction drove her into the arms of another man... Or did it? The reason I ask is because I feel like there's part of the story missing. I'm not asking whether you were honest with your wife but whether you've been honest wit SI. It's pobably just something I missed and everyone else here caught.

Ladyogilvy, The story is definitely incomplete because it seemed that the number of details were already clouding the picture. I'll be glad to provide a complete timeline. Yes, I do believe the porn use was a factor in opening the door to all of the subsequent events. In my profile, I said as much.
1986-1994 Used various forms of pornography on and off, and was caught several times.
1994-1999 Made and honored a commitment to purity. Please understand: I was not perfect during that time, but there was no masturbation, no computer stuff, no x-rated anything. Inappropriate r-rated movies, sneaking looks at Victoria's Secret catalogues etc.

1998 Wife's adultery begins, life is turned upside down, constant unexplained viciousness. She get pregnant, informs me that the doctor warned her to refrain from sex during pregnancy. Now I wonder if that was true. She was doing him either before or during.
1999 I break my commitment
2000 I get caught. Complete turnaround in my behavior. No change in her's
2001 - I break it again
2002 - I get caught having recorded TV programs I had no business recording. I am removed from our bedroom, and remain sleeping alone to this day. I make a complete turn around and enter into long overdue counseling for my porn use
2003 (11 months later) I am invited to have sex again. I am overjoyed that I am forgiven, but the next 5 years prove very difficult. I did not fail at all during that time, but something keeps nagging at me until
Jan. 7 2008 when I discover that there had been a very long term affair. I was told it was a long time ago and I needed to get over it.
Feb 21 2008 I discover that they had sex the previous day, and have struggled with Porn since. Months off, months on.
If there are any details I overlooked, I would be glad to provide them. I'm not looking to deceive anyone.
Accidental premature post. I will answer the rest in the next

[This message edited by quoththeraven1 at 10:22 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 166 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Appalachia
quoththeraven1
♂ 35458
Member # 35458
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why the big deal over where the porn came from if you admit you viewed porn?

This was only in reference to the allegation of child porn.

A little (adult) porn is not a big deal to most people in normal healthy marriages. It only becomes a big deal if it interferes with the marriage.

Well, on this we disagree, though it certainly underscores my own hypocrisy to say so. In addition to my violating what I believe the Bible teaches on the matter, I definitely hurt my wife with it.

For instance, if you were more interested in porn than your wife.

No, I was always more interested in my wife, but that's no excuse

Once trust has been broken, porn becomes more of an issue but you are not the one who broke the trust so that's not relevant here.

I'm VERY sorry if I left the impression that I was a good husband who was cheated on. I reaped what I sowed, and I firmly believe that my actions set it all into motion. My only excuse in this recent struggle of mine is that learning that your wife, too tired for sex has been having it for 15 years with someone else was devastating. I foolishly told myself that it didn't matter what I did, and that I deserved some relief from my pent up sexual frustration. I'm not excusing myself either. It was wrong.

Why are you acting so guilty?

Hopefully the above explains that. I am guilty.

If your concern is that lies will be spread about you regarding child porn, well, anyone can say anything can't they. And it would be their word against yours whether it was true or not.

I appreciate that. Truth is, I'm not particularly worried about that.

This whole this is confusing to me. Why are we even talking about porn. Why would you want to continue in a relationship where fear of being lied about is one of the issues? The real issue is that you have a lying manipulative WW who's suddenly telling you what you want to hear. After 20 years of hell on earth, dealing with a lying manipulative unfaithful wife, she's acting like she wants to put things right? The key word here is "acting." Isn't that something she's got a long history of doing. How could you possibly trust her sincerity now?

Well, at this point I can't trust her, can I? I guess one point is that she really can't trust me either. BTW, it was 15 years (I know, who's counting, right?) My original point was, and hopefully this is all clarified, that as bad as I was, I don't think that what I did was equal for two reasons. Not to justify myself, but I don't think porn use and adultery are the same. Second, on d-day she asked me "Have you quit?" I truthfully stated that I had struggled with it since 2008, that I had maintained months of purity this year, only to fall during the month of May. By contrast, when my suspicions were raised that they were in contact again, I asked specifically, told her it would be safe to tell me the truth, and got lied to. The difference is that I disclosed it. Again, not to justify me, but I think there is a difference between the two responses.
If there is anything I missed, I'd be glad to try to clarify or set the matter straight


Posts: 166 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Appalachia
Topic Posts: 21
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