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Help! I am so mangled and tangled in this web!

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AceKnight posted 7/23/2013 12:58 PM

I have confessed all interactions that I have had with other women outside of our marriage including my A. I didn't initially on our DDay and have trickle the truth or omitted some interactions after my DDay. My "DDay" was at the beginning of June 2013. After coming onto this site and reading how I was being selfish towards my BS healing by not giving her the complete honest truth and understanding her suffering was related to not having the bare bones no skeleton truth, I told her this past weekend. For her true healing must take place and her choice to make a decision on what she would like to do given back to her I gave it to her - the complete truth.

I want a true opportunity at reconciliation. Reconciliation is what I want. I dont want to be divorced, but I know it isn't my decision.

I feel like I have a closeness to her that I haven't felt since we first met and I have longed for it for so long but wasn't man enough to tell her. I have an opportunity to be loved by her wholeheartedly as the person I truly am. Not the representative of who I was.

It is hard when you have lied and been deceitful for so long that you feel tangled, and mangled up in a spider web of lies and feel like there are still pieces to the spider web on you that you dont see. All I want to do is get it all out so she can began healing. Not provide anymore cuts that begin the bleeding all over again.

When I see pieces of my tangled web, I tell her or if she sees pieces of the web still on me I give her the truth about it. Some pieces of my web are not always easily seen.

My questions is, are the remnants of the web stuck on me always going to make her bleed all over?

I hate making her bleed again.

kickboxer posted 7/24/2013 00:14 AM

I will be looking forward to reading replies here, because I'm stuck in the same web...but on the other side.

meplusfour posted 7/24/2013 01:02 AM

Aceknight, you are to be commended for your honesty. I am a BS and in the four months following DDay, my WH has expressed many of the same sentiments to me. Namely, that he feel closer to me following full disclosure. He has also told he that he feels that a burden has been lifted. Like you, he desires reconciliation and appears to recognize that his actions have damaged our M greatly.

Your BS will likely be in pain for awhile yet. Show her your remorse, the steps you are taking to address your issues. Delve deep to address any underlying issues and demonstrate that you are committed to change. Walk with her as she moves through the stages of grieving the marriage she thought she had and the future she envisioned. And when you have shown through your words but importantly your actions, your commitment to her and your M, perhaps you may longer be the cause of her bleeding

AceKnight posted 7/25/2013 01:37 AM

Thank you for the replies.

Jrazz posted 7/25/2013 01:57 AM

Many, if not most WS's have been in your shoes one time or another - adamant that sharing any more details is only going to cause harm.

This is self-protecting hiding under the guise of concern for the BS. Every time.

We all want the pain to stop and the healing to begin. The problem with less-than-full disclosure is that there are still active mines in the field. They do NOT get buried forever. They do NOT go away. Even if your BS never stumbled into new information that you've buried, if you haven't been completely honest then they will live in fear of finding something more down the road.

The ONLY path to true healing and a fresh start is to get it ALL out. Now.

I understand that the details can be hazy, and there is a valid concern that if you can't recall something effectively there may be confusion later. Disclose everything, and add asterisks and footnotes where needed. This is where a timeline comes in handy - it can be a great tool for both spouses to get everything out in the open.

When FWH TT'd me it was devastating. Finding out time and again that he had fibbed or "covered" something, alledgedly for my benefit, was harder than him volunteering me a new horrific detail he suddenly recalled.

The thing is - everything he volunteered to me caused me momentary pain, but long lasting relief that he had offered me unsolicited truth at his own "peril." Every time he tried to "save" me from something and I could tell he was lying, my anger and fear would spiral out of control and his late confession would be practically useless.

You want a true opportunity at Reconciliation? Tell her the WHOLE truth. It's not an honest R if you're withholding, it's a CYA job and that's not love or honor, that's self serving. Again.

You can do it. We have awesome FWS's here to help you if you need guidance for the next steps.

dindy posted 7/25/2013 02:45 AM

I agree with the others AceKnight you need to tell her the truth. She is worth that at least.

My ex TT'd and we are now separated. I believe that if he had of come clean about EVERYTHING on DDay or close afterwards we could have salvaged our relationship.

Finding out bits of truth during false R is the most painful experience I have ever experienced in my life. It was worse than finding out about the A. Tragic bereavements of family didn't even come close to the pain of false R and TT.

If you are fully committed to R then you need to be honest about everything. That way your BS can learn to accept the truth and begin to heal. It also helps stop the mind movies which I believe can be far worse than the truth.

Good luck!

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