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Alyssamd24 posted 7/23/2013 13:09 PM

Thank you to all of you who have offered me your input and advice. Although a lot of it is hard to hear I appreciate the feedback and support.

My first reaction after reading some comments was to run away with my tail between my legs, but I realize that will solve nothing. It's time to be an adult and deal with my actions.

That being said, I have revisited the healing library and reread the questions from WS. In it there is a question about working with the AP and how to make it work. While it does say working with the AP is more difficult and it would be ideal to find a new job, it doesn't say it's impossible. It still seems like I am able to keep NC with AP even if I see him at work...

So my question I guess is why does everyone think I need to find a new job....I feel like I have gone NC with the AP and am doing what I need to do to R with my BH.

OldCow18 posted 7/23/2013 13:45 PM

I don't see a stop sign, so I'll chime in.

My WH works with AP. He is adamant that they are now "business only" and acting very professional. After d-day they both immediately decided they wanted to save their marriages and they made rules for their contact at work.

While that is all fine and good, the key to ME moving forward with R is that I need to feel 100% safe again (I'm no where near that, it's still early for me), but I know that this will never happen while I send him off to go see her every day.

Granted, taking her out of the equation doesn't mean he won't just go and cheat again with someone else, but having her there is a major threat to me. Both of their lives now suck at home, living in the hell of the after-math. All I can think of is what a nice soft place she would be for him to land right now, and vice versa. It's just too easy for them to continue. They both wanted it before, how long until they both want it again.

It's not going to be easy for WH to find a new job, and I will give it a bit of time, but ultimately, if he wants this marriage to work he will need to quit.

Sal1995 posted 7/23/2013 14:03 PM

While that is all fine and good, the key to ME moving forward with R is that I need to feel 100% safe again (I'm no where near that, it's still early for me), but I know that this will never happen while I send him off to go see her every day.

This is not my situation, but I agree with OC's reply to your post. This would be intolerable and completely unacceptable. NC and seeing each other every work day are not compatible IMO. I don't see how the BS could ever draw an easy breath, much less have peace of mind. But if you and your BS feel that you have no other option, then I wish you the best.

hurt2005 posted 7/23/2013 14:36 PM


Just to clarify a few things (please amend if incorrect):

1. OM is not a coworker. He picks up/drops off his child at the daycare where you work, the same one you have your daughter in. So he's not someone you work with, but you do see him everyday.

2. Your BH and you have decided not to tell OM's BW and your BH has specifically said he doesn't want you to leave your job because neither of you want your daughter to go through any more changes in her life, and it would cost money for you to find another job and put her in another daycare.

My questions are:
- How the hell do you cope with seeing OM and seeing OM's BW every/other day? I just can't comprehend this. How are YOU ok with this? Knowing that interacting with this weak excuse for a man culminated in betrayal of yourself and your BH?
- In another post you said 'hell I even get to hear about the new home they are now building and the new baby they are trying to make....' - how did you hear this? Did OM tell you?
- Do you tell your BH about every single time you and OM talk?

Note. Both the OMs in my As are in another city, where BBF and I spent almost six years and have a lot of friends there still. Since the As I have been back there once by myself, and I was ridiculously anxious about potentially seeing OM#2. Since then, I decided that there's no reason for me to go back to that city by myself and even take that risk of possible interaction.

Alyssamd24 posted 7/23/2013 14:50 PM

Yes you are correct about both things.

I am coping with seeing OM and his BW every is hard and I would rather not do it...I try to be out of the classroom when he is there and avoid him as much as I can.

I have heard about OM' s new house and potential baby from his wife and son son and my boss...he has not told me himself.

My BH has asked me a few times about OM and when I have seen him....each time I have told him the truth

7yrsflushed posted 7/23/2013 14:50 PM

So my question I guess is why does everyone think I need to find a new job....I feel like I have gone NC with the AP and am doing what I need to do to R with my BH.

I am a BH whose STBXWW had a 3 yr LTA with a married coworker. I honestly don't understand your reluctance to find anew job. I am not trying to be mean at all, the sentence above reads to me like you still possibly don't get it. At a minimum you don't seem to be able to put yourself in your BH's shoes and this seems to still be all about you and you not wanting to find another job for whatever reason. The part in the sentence you just typed that stood out is "I feel like I have gone NC with the AP." You may feel that way and may in fact have gone NC with him but to a BS that has to watch their spouse walk out the door everyday into the same building spending 8 or more hours with the AP can be maddening. Even fi you don't see him all day or see him for 1 minute every other day it's 1 minute every other day to long for the BS. It's not about what YOU think or know. From your BH's perspective it's what he believes or wonders about your interactions. You can say you are NC all you want but to the BS whose WS had an A with a coworker the refusal to find a new job is sometimes and I would even say often seen as you choosing the AP everyday over them. At least that's how I felt and it likely wasn't even true. But in my mind my WW walked out the door everyday, even if she was miserable to the place where OM was and had access to her. You can detach all you want but seeing the AP everyday is still a form of contact. If you don't absolutely have to keep the job then finding another one is a big step in the direction of showing your BH that you are serious about NC and working on R. It's also a big step in you actually going NC sinc eyou actually can truly be NC then. The reluctance to find another job or even seriuosly look is seen as another slap in the face to some BS's.

The reality is every time you see him IS contact whether you speak to him or not. It's your decision and if you have decent job prospects elsewhere and truly want to have a chance to save your M then quitting your job will go along way towards showing that you are serious about NC and trying to R.

It's your choice and I wish you the best. Keep posting and digging but you aren't truly NC if you still see your OM at work everyday. IMO R and establishing trust again is much tougher when you still work with or see your AP on a frequent basis. Your BH will ALWAYS wonder if you are truly NC or not and he has NO way to verify that but your word.

ETA: I wanted to add I don't know your situation so my comments are just from my perspective. Your BH may say he is okay with it but don't expect that to always be the case.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 3:06 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]

atsenaotie posted 7/23/2013 15:11 PM

FWW & OM were "let go" from where they worked together, prior to dday. Since FWW has been working through her issues she avoids OM at all costs now. She would be embarrassed and ashamed by any contact with OM, and will not apply for jobs where she might have contact with OM if he is associated with the business. She cannot imagine working somewhere and seeing one of them and remembering what she did with them. Not just the sex, but the whole relationship. She has also quit membership in service clubs where she might run into OM.

For her (and me) NC is not thinking about them, not wondering how they are doing, not being mad if something good happens to OP nor being happy if something bad happens. It is having them out of our lives.

Yes, this has and continues to hurt us financially as she has taken a significant paycut and been unemployed for about a third of the time since dday.

Deeply Scared posted 7/23/2013 16:14 PM


Forgive me if I've missed it...but how does your H feel about you working in the same area as the OP?

1Faith posted 7/23/2013 16:21 PM

One of you need to find a new day care. You or the OM.


You can find a job at another daycare. The most important thing would be that your daughter would be with you. She is four. If she is with you at a new daycare then she would acclimate pretty quickly. Kids are resilient.

You aren't having NC because you physically see him. Even if you don't converse there is interaction. Eye contact, physical presence, etc. It is not true NC.

If you truly want your BH to feel like he, your marriage and your family is the most important thing in your life then find a new job. It is that simple. Put his and your family's needs before your job. What is more important?

You are trying to justify staying in a job where you have contact with the OM. This is cruel to your husband.

He will never full trust that a spark isn't going to reignite. The mind movies that must go through his mind every time you go to work.

It is like a survivor of 911 having to go into a burning high rise everyday. Torture.

You are hurt because you have to hear about the OM's new home and possible new baby? You wouldn't have to hear that if you weren't working there. Think about it. You truly are playing with fire and ruining any chance at reconciling with your BH.

Put his needs before your own. You said it is time to be an adult and deal with your actions. I agree. Quit your job.

solus sto posted 7/23/2013 16:22 PM

I'm sorry; thought I was in general. Removing my too-strident post.

[This message edited by solus sto at 4:23 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]

NewMom0220 posted 7/23/2013 16:42 PM


If it were me, it would make me feel more safe and secure if I knew my WS never saw the AP face to face again. I know your interactions are limited, but it sounds from some of your other posts that you want to save your marriage.

When I've asked my WS to fight for our marriage, this is the kind of thing I mean. Even if your BH says he is ok with it...if you found another job and removed that situation from your lives it would send a HUGE signal to him that you are serious about saving your Marriage.

If you are serious about saving your marriage...don't look to the Healing Library for approval. I think you know deep down that this is wrong. If the roles were reversed it would KILL you every single time you knew that your BH and his former lover saw each other. Even if no words are exchanged...I see it as an obstacle to your Reconciliation. Why don't you? From your posts it seems like this is something you are struggling to understand. It might be this skewed thinking that got you into the A in the first place. I hope I"m not coming off too judgmental.

Best of luck..and I applaud all WS' who are on this site asking these questions.

mindbody posted 7/23/2013 19:13 PM

Frank Reynolds, LCSW, says that one person is always more invested in the affair than the other. He encourages NC of any kind and warns that the more invested one may show up at any time, even years later, to gently pursue or attempt some contact, with the less invested one. I believe this and remaing in the same working environment is prolonging the agoning of the NC and interfering with the R.

It seems almost impossible to remove any feelings, positive or negative, from the OP if any contact is made, business or not. It's like trying to stop eating sweets and keeping them in your kitchen cabinets(tempting/reminding) you they are available.

I know that WSO would have continued to be confused had he not agreed and eventually believed that NC was the right decision for everyone. It was very difficult for him to be the bad guy, cut it off with OW completely - he eventually realized it benefitted everyone. She no longer worked with him but found ways or reasons to drop in with leaflets, anything to make some kind of contact.

It's painfully clear to the BS/BSO if/when the WS/WSO is truly committed to R. I respect your BH's assertion that you don't need to change jobs. IMO he's navigating his way through this damage, treading lightly, understandably so. He will process this his way. Your contributions and sacrifices will go a long way if you initiate them because of your commitment to changing you and doing what is best for your M.

each time I have told him the truth

That's the right thing to do. Just because he has not asked more of you does not mean you can't do more for him and your M. IMO, NC of any kind is the foundation as well as the imperative for starting the engines to R.

Mrs Panda posted 7/23/2013 21:08 PM

Why are you so resistant to this? Are you afraid to find a new job? Is this A dream job? Are there no other suitably amazing places your daughter can get care? You are too destitute?

I think you need to do this for YOU. Eveytime you see the AP is a trigger. It keeps you chained to that Alyssamd.

Your inertia is infuriating. Stop go in circles. Move forward.

What is the real why that you stay? II don't think it is because of your daughter. It is daycare, so get spme perspective. Maybe you are afraid to leave. Maybe too lazy to apply fpr other jobs. Maybe you want to prove somehow you can stick it out despite the AP.

You only hurt you. Hugs .

Alyssamd24 posted 7/23/2013 21:33 PM

Honestly. I think I am afraid.

mchercheur posted 7/23/2013 21:34 PM

I hope it's ok if I respond--don't see a stop sign.

My WH works in the same building with OW. They used to sit next to each other, but since I found out, he got himself transferred to a different part of the building. He is adamant that they hardly ever run into each other, & that he ignores her/acts cold when he does.
WH only has a few years until retirement, does a very specialized job, & it would be difficult to find a comparable job at the same salary. I also work, but WH brings in more $ than I do, & we have 4 kids. For these reasons, I have not outed him at work, I have kept his secret.

While that is all fine and good, the key to ME moving forward with R is that I need to feel 100% safe again (I'm no where near that)

we are 2 yrs 2 1/2 mos post Dday.
I still have a problem with it, knowing she is there.
I know that this will never happen while I send him off to possibly see her every day.

Granted, taking her out of the equation doesn't mean he won't just go and cheat again with someone else, but having her there is a major threat to me.

I think this is one of the main reasons that I have not "gotten over it" yet. How do we move on with our lives if she is still there?

Just wanted to give you a BW's perspective.

[This message edited by mchercheur at 9:38 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]

Blobette posted 7/23/2013 21:38 PM

Alyssa- afraid of...? What, exactly?

cliffside posted 7/24/2013 09:40 AM

I have posted in the past that you need to find a new job. I'm a BW and I would have massive anxiety if my FWH was seeing his AP on a daily or even weekly basis.

My advice has been to look for a job, see if you can get an interview, and then tell your BH and see what his reaction is. Make it so he doesn't have to force you into finding a new job and see what his reaction is.

OR, sit him down and have a serious discussion about you finding another job. Tell him you think it's what's needed. Again, I just wonder if YOU put it out there, if that will show him what you are willing to do to Reconcile.

The way you are living is not healthy for your daughter. Her going to another daycare, at her age, will not be as traumatic as you think. Kids that age make new frends pretty quickly.

But from what you've posted, your BH still seems very angry. So I just wonder if this would be the olive branch he needs to see you are remorseful and want to fix things and that's why I have suggested it.

Good Luck.

wifehad5 posted 7/24/2013 12:45 PM

Does your boss or any coworkers know what happened?

regrettingitall posted 7/24/2013 16:49 PM

I can't tell you how similar my story is to yours. Fortunately, the OP is moving his kids to another center. PTL. I was going to leave if he didn't. There are so many good daycares out there, to work at and to have your daughter attend. Don't let a JOB add to the demise of your marriage.

I am thrilled that one day soon I will be able to walk through my center and not have to worry at pick up our drop off time because of OM. Don't you want the same?

[This message edited by regrettingitall at 4:50 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)]

Darkness Falls posted 7/24/2013 19:14 PM

I wanted to chime in because my AP was a coworker and I still work there, as does he...and as does my XBH. The AP does a different job classification and we see him very rarely, have to interact with him even less. However...this does mean that I am not "technically" NC. 99% of the year I am, but on those one or two occasions per year that contact is unavoidable, I have that contact in order to do my job. And believe me when I say, when it occurs, it is unavoidable.

I have reached a point of such indifference that seeing him doesn't matter. As for XH, I'm sure he would love to smash AP's face in, but his integrity and work ethic and his own feelings along the lines of indifference cause him to not attempt it.

I asked my XH after D-day, nearly 3 1/2 years ago, if it would help him if I were to quit. He said no, so I didn't---if I were about to be single, I needed a job, ya know? And as it turns out, NOT quitting was the way to go.

- if I had quit my job, XH and I probably would never have reconciled (because we probably would never have seen each other again---he approached me about R at work )

- I was diagnosed with a chronic medical condition a year after D-day and I would have been s-c-r-e-w-e-d without my health insurance

- I wouldn't be making the income I am and would never have been able to pull myself up by my financial bootstraps to the extent I have been able to, which has all sorts of positive benefits beyond the physical $$$: increased self-esteem and self-worth, the knowledge that I don't have to rely on anyone but ME to "take care of me" (as I used to think ), etc.

It is what is working for us. Not all situations are alike, and they all have their own variables and pros/cons to consider.

I totally understand your being afraid to quit. I've been with my company 8 1/2 years, which isn't a long time by some standards but it's the longest job I've ever had and the most stable. Add to that the fact that after I was divorced, it was basically the only "constant" I had left in my life at that time; the only thing that remained the same after I had blown up the rest of my world. Having to deal with more change on top of what I had already dealt myself would have been terrifying. And, as I said, it would have f-ed me financially, and I couldn't have done that.

But you and your BH need to do what's best for your family.

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