Backstory: WH slept with his coworker this June. He wasn't very careful about concealing it and I found out the day after they slept together for the first time. He has shown me all the emails and Google chats and I met with the OW - everything seems to back their story. I am 99% confident this is the only time he's cheated.
He has done pretty much everything you can do to prove he wants to reconcile. He will talk to me for hours, write me letters, go to MC and IC, he ensures me everyday he loves me and will fight for me and our family BUT we are only 5 weeks out...
I do not trust him, I am very skeptical, and there are days I hate him. So how do I deal with boys weekend in Vegas? I've asked that he not go to the strip clubs, leave if they hire strippers, call in the morning to tell me the day's agenda and call at night to tell my everything that happened. I don't know what's reasonable and what is not. Do I ask him not to go? I am split because he doesn't see his friends that often and most are decent guys. If he doesn't go, everyone will wonder why and I feel like we would need to tell them and I am not ready for that. Or what can I ask him to do to ensure me of what's going on?
[This message edited by SI Staff at 2:20 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak." ~ Homer Simpson
The guys he is going with... are they family men or single partiers... are they his family? Are they aware of his cheating? Have they ever been cheaters to your knowledge? Are they friends of the marriage? All of these would play onto whether or not this trip is at all something he should be going too.....
About 8-12 guys are going. All but one is married. The others have been married 5+ years and have families. Our kids will play together every so often, so we do have contact with them. I have no idea if any of them have cheated, but I think I will ask WH tonight. A couple of them are more "alpha" males therefore, I am sure there will be trips to the strip clubs. Even the ones that I think are "good guys" seem to cave under the alpha males, plus there is drinking and it is VEGAS?!?
I thought that maybe we could confide in one of the couples, so he could partner with me or stick to my WH, but I don't know about that either.
I did ask the wives and as far as I can tell none are going.
I think that if I were a truly remorseful WS, I would not go. If I were afraid to tell the guys I wasn't going, I'd just chalk that up to another aspect of having poor boundaries. The money LV would cost would be much better spent on IC.
Frankly, I just don't see why a married man has to have a weekend away with the guys, unless it's for fishing or hunting, far away from women. I don't understand a trip to LV except with one's spouse. This may disqualify my opinion.
IMO, your best bet is to make this a deal breaker. Consider this: if he goes, he apparently thinks maintaining his relationship with his friends is more important than rebuilding his very damaged relationship with you. That doesn't bode well for R IMO.
sisoon, feeling like an old fuddy duddy
[This message edited by sisoon at 3:24 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]
you are so close to dday...so i dont think he should go. his main focus should be on you and your family....period. you know? it doesnt matter if it was a trip planned for 5 years...who cares. he cheated so that changes everything. and who cares what the other men think about him not going...none of their business.
i also think that going to vegas for a guys trip is dumb and immature for a married man. i do. i used to think that it was okay...no big deal, but what does a married man need to be in vegas for? at a strip club....so that he can look at women, pay them money....get drunk at bars...and women are in bars...that is what it is all about.
if you are married, it just isnt necessary. for what? it is one thing to have a guys get together to go fishing, hunting...watch a big football game or something, but vegas...nah.
and after cheating has been brought in the m....no way. never.
but see i understand where you are coming from. my h wanted to still go out and would have asked me to go to vegas too shortly after dday. he has come a long way..we both have....regarding boundaries. and it is just not something that is important to him anymore..(at least that is what he says and how he acts for now)....but what is most important is that it is no longer acceptable to me.
those days are over. if you dont feel good about it, maybe it is not acceptable in your m either? just soemthing to think about.
if he wants to go..i agree with the other poster, make it a family trip. or have him keep his behind at home. he is a family man.
After a couple of times, I finally said to one of them, "Hello! Wife standing right here!" She said, "You can join too."
Other than the over-the-top debauchery going on around us, we had a great time together! Went to a show, toured the Hoover Dam, gambled a bit, drank a bit and had lots of Quality Time!
Don't mean to scare you but I think I'd have to sit him down and say either you go too or he doesn't go. What's more important? Boys' weekend or making you feel safe?
I wouldn't be comfortable with it to be honest.
Read what he said again...
There is nothing in Vegas for a married man..let alone 12 married men!
If my husband did have a trip planned a year out and went, he would find his bags pack (hefty bags, that is) on the door step when he returned.
It's a no brainer and he should forfeit any monies used for deposits, whatever.
[This message edited by karmahappens at 7:36 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)]
Vegas trip with the guys is setting himself up for failure. He probably feels like he's under the gun with you at home...so he'll want to rebel. I know my WH would (and has).
And let me tell you...my friend who is married to one of WH's friends said never in a million years - out of any of the guys in the group - would she have predicted my H would cheat.
Also,, FYI my H flew his girlfriend out to Vegas WHILE he was on a guy trip with guys from college for a bachelor party.
[This message edited by womaninflux at 7:45 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)]
I just spent 5 days in Vegas for work. I have been to Vegas a lot, all for work. It is all about lust, greed, and gluttony. I did my job had dinner and was in my room by 8pm every night.
There is no way in hell I would go there for fun unless I was with broevil.
It was the worst weekend of my life. Even worse than Dday. All of the casinos have "table dancers", which are IMO strippers who don't take off their tops. My Wbf said that he didn't consider these strippers since they're not naked, but they are on the bottom floor of every single hotel. So I was constantly watching them dance as we were walking outside to get a cab, or whatever. The bars also have these table dancers. I refused to go anywhere near a strip club (of course), but all the normal bars have women dancing in thongs and bras. Again, horrible. And then finally, just the normal girls there on vacation appalled me. Everywhere we went at night, then were a ton of girls wearing skin tight, short, low cut dresses and "stripper" shoes. They all had perfect bodies and long hair. It was horrible, and I ended up crying in the bathroom and telling Wbf that I hated him.
So, my advice is for him to not go to Vegas. I also would not advise you to go, because I think that there are a lot of triggers that will make your trip horrible.
Yeah, I knew prostitution was legal in Vegas
To be clear, prostitution is NOT legal in Clark County (Las Vegas). It is only legal in the more rural counties, ie, about an hour's drive. While there ARE prostitutes, Las Vegas Metro has a VERY active vice squad.
There a lot of fun things to do in Las Vegas that have nothing to do with going to strip clubs. However, one month from dday? There is not A CHANCE IN HELL my husband would be going there for a weekend of drinking with the boys. No way, no how. He could either a) take the heat from his friends for cancelling, or b) talk to my lawyer.
If he went, I'd take the time while he was gone to pack up every last bit of his stuff and leave it in the driveway. Seriously. This would be a deal breaker. He should not even want to go to this.
Imagine right now that he’s in vegas – how do you think you’re going to feel while he’s going – you’re going to wondering constantly – did he, didn’t he – will he – won’t he? you already know what he’s capable of – and you don’t trust him – so WHY would you be ok with his going to vegas. Stick up for what YOU want/need to feel safe.
My story doesn’t even compare to vegas – but about 6 months after DDay my H wanted to go his xmas party where OW would be – stupidly, I thought it was ok. I was wrong and stupid to be ok with his going – but I was trying to take the high road and trust him. Sure, he called me while he was gone – but really, what good is that? I was on pins and needles all night long – I really regretted it and later I was angry that HE even wanted to attend. Oh and by the way, they broke NC long before and long after DDay – but me, I wanted to trust him.
Don’t trust a cheater.