Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-

SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Shattered31 (45724)

User Topic: Suggestions: WH going to Vegas with the Guys
ILINIA
♀ 39836
Member # 39836
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay, this has been planned for over a year. I thought I may be able to handle it, but I get extremely anxious just thinking about it.

Backstory: WH slept with his coworker this June. He wasn't very careful about concealing it and I found out the day after they slept together for the first time. He has shown me all the emails and Google chats and I met with the OW - everything seems to back their story. I am 99% confident this is the only time he's cheated.

He has done pretty much everything you can do to prove he wants to reconcile. He will talk to me for hours, write me letters, go to MC and IC, he ensures me everyday he loves me and will fight for me and our family BUT we are only 5 weeks out...

I do not trust him, I am very skeptical, and there are days I hate him. So how do I deal with boys weekend in Vegas? I've asked that he not go to the strip clubs, leave if they hire strippers, call in the morning to tell me the day's agenda and call at night to tell my everything that happened. I don't know what's reasonable and what is not. Do I ask him not to go? I am split because he doesn't see his friends that often and most are decent guys. If he doesn't go, everyone will wonder why and I feel like we would need to tell them and I am not ready for that. Or what can I ask him to do to ensure me of what's going on?


Entering R slowly and cautiously...

Posts: 515 | Registered: Jul 2013
jo2love
♀ 31528
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are a month from DDay? He needs to do what is most reassuring to you. If that means missing the trip, then so be it. You can tell them there is a lot going on at home or what ever you are most comfortable saying. Fixing your marriage is more important than a guys vacation in Vegas. Another option, is you going, too. Then he could spend some time with the guys and time with you.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 2:20 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]


Posts: 36451 | Registered: Mar 2011
SisterMilkshake
♀ 30024
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I vote you go to Vegas, too.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9952 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
wanttogoforward
♀ 29912
Member # 29912
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At a month out I would not have felt comfortable with that at all! I'm not ok with overnights even for work at over three years out... but I get no choice in that, and he doesn't either....

The guys he is going with... are they family men or single partiers... are they his family? Are they aware of his cheating? Have they ever been cheaters to your knowledge? Are they friends of the marriage? All of these would play onto whether or not this trip is at all something he should be going too.....


Posts: 1186 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still lost
ILINIA
♀ 39836
Member # 39836
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for making me feel like I am not crazy! I am trying really hard to keep it together so our kids aren't impacted.

About 8-12 guys are going. All but one is married. The others have been married 5+ years and have families. Our kids will play together every so often, so we do have contact with them. I have no idea if any of them have cheated, but I think I will ask WH tonight. A couple of them are more "alpha" males therefore, I am sure there will be trips to the strip clubs. Even the ones that I think are "good guys" seem to cave under the alpha males, plus there is drinking and it is VEGAS?!?

I thought that maybe we could confide in one of the couples, so he could partner with me or stick to my WH, but I don't know about that either.

I did ask the wives and as far as I can tell none are going.


Entering R slowly and cautiously...

Posts: 515 | Registered: Jul 2013
sisoon
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IDK...I've never been to LV, but from what I've heard, and from what I've learned about infidelity, I wouldn't trust myself there. I've been faithful to one woman since 1966, but putting myself into the midst of so much temptation sounds really unwise.

I think that if I were a truly remorseful WS, I would not go. If I were afraid to tell the guys I wasn't going, I'd just chalk that up to another aspect of having poor boundaries. The money LV would cost would be much better spent on IC.

Frankly, I just don't see why a married man has to have a weekend away with the guys, unless it's for fishing or hunting, far away from women. I don't understand a trip to LV except with one's spouse. This may disqualify my opinion.

IMO, your best bet is to make this a deal breaker. Consider this: if he goes, he apparently thinks maintaining his relationship with his friends is more important than rebuilding his very damaged relationship with you. That doesn't bode well for R IMO.

sisoon, feeling like an old fuddy duddy

[This message edited by sisoon at 3:24 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10570 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
StruckNumb
♀ 38973
Member # 38973
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Four months after my Dday, my husband had to make a business trip to Vegas for three days. I made him take me with him. It's a shame to have to be this way but I just didn't trust him. Don't feel bad if you feel the need to go with him or if you need to ask him to cancel. You're no longer on normal turf of trusting your husband. Has he offerred any ways to reassure you?


me-BW-51
f?WH - 49
m27 yrs, T 28, no kids
OW-WH's former CW, friends + 20yr
DDay-11/16/12, LT EA, 4y? PA, manymany
EA with FFriends over the years
Attempting R
Is there an end to blindness in sight?

Posts: 77 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: N.California
sri624
♀ 33956
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i agree with sisson as always.

you are so close to dday...so i dont think he should go. his main focus should be on you and your family....period. you know? it doesnt matter if it was a trip planned for 5 years...who cares. he cheated so that changes everything. and who cares what the other men think about him not going...none of their business.

i also think that going to vegas for a guys trip is dumb and immature for a married man. i do. i used to think that it was okay...no big deal, but what does a married man need to be in vegas for? at a strip club....so that he can look at women, pay them money....get drunk at bars...and women are in bars...that is what it is all about.

if you are married, it just isnt necessary. for what? it is one thing to have a guys get together to go fishing, hunting...watch a big football game or something, but vegas...nah.

and after cheating has been brought in the m....no way. never.

but see i understand where you are coming from. my h wanted to still go out and would have asked me to go to vegas too shortly after dday. he has come a long way..we both have....regarding boundaries. and it is just not something that is important to him anymore..(at least that is what he says and how he acts for now)....but what is most important is that it is no longer acceptable to me.

those days are over. if you dont feel good about it, maybe it is not acceptable in your m either? just soemthing to think about.

if he wants to go..i agree with the other poster, make it a family trip. or have him keep his behind at home. he is a family man.


BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 3 kids under 5
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
R:Last chance

Posts: 1038 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
notquiteoverit
♀ 32919
Member # 32919
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At just over a month out, your WH should not even consider this. Unless you really want to go with him, he should skip the trip. A "boys weekend" in Vegas does not sound like something he should be doing right now.


Me - BS 50
Him - WS 49
SOW - 52 destitute loser
D-day 1/28/11

Posts: 580 | Registered: Jul 2011
TXBW68
♀ 36456
Member # 36456
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We went to Vegas for the first time in March together for our anniversary. No way in hell would I let him go again without me. Especially a month out. There were high-class prositutes on the strip street corners handing him their business cards AS WE WERE HOLDING HANDS!

After a couple of times, I finally said to one of them, "Hello! Wife standing right here!" She said, "You can join too."

Other than the over-the-top debauchery going on around us, we had a great time together! Went to a show, toured the Hoover Dam, gambled a bit, drank a bit and had lots of Quality Time!

Don't mean to scare you but I think I'd have to sit him down and say either you go too or he doesn't go. What's more important? Boys' weekend or making you feel safe?


Me (46) WH (42),2 boys 15 & 11
M 18yrs T 22yrs
Separated 10 months (4/12 to 2/13)
Final Total - #1/#2 ONS and #3/#4 EA/PA - left me for #4, didn't know about #2 and 3 until he moved back home
We are solidly in R now

Posts: 792 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Dallas, TX
1devastedmom
♀ 38399
Member # 38399
Default  Posted: 8:12 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with everyone here. We have a timeshare in Las Vegas and I already told DH I NEVER want to go back there again and he agreed. There's no way in hell I would ever be ok with him going back to Vegas especially without me.


Me BS: 42
WH: 44
DDay- April 17, 2013
Married 22 years
3 children: 18, 15 & 9
Reconcilling

Posts: 141 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: 1devastedmom
JanaGreen
♀ 29341
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 7:28 AM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, I knew prostitution was legal in Vegas, but the people standing on the street handing out cards for escorts, and the rolling billboards with pictures of scantily clad women and phone numbers you could call to get a chick sent to your room like a pizza - that surprised me a bit.

I wouldn't be comfortable with it to be honest.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 5-year-old daughter. Baby Green 2.0 expected June 2015!!!!!!!!!

Posts: 6909 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
karmahappens
♀ 35846
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 7:35 AM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

+ 2 for sisoon

Read what he said again...

There is nothing in Vegas for a married man..let alone 12 married men!

If my husband did have a trip planned a year out and went, he would find his bags pack (hefty bags, that is) on the door step when he returned.

It's a no brainer and he should forfeit any monies used for deposits, whatever.

No way.

[This message edited by karmahappens at 7:36 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)]


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3858 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
womaninflux
♀ 39667
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 7:43 AM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

this would be a huge dealbreaker for me.

Vegas trip with the guys is setting himself up for failure. He probably feels like he's under the gun with you at home...so he'll want to rebel. I know my WH would (and has).

And let me tell you...my friend who is married to one of WH's friends said never in a million years - out of any of the guys in the group - would she have predicted my H would cheat.

Also,, FYI my H flew his girlfriend out to Vegas WHILE he was on a guy trip with guys from college for a bachelor party.

[This message edited by womaninflux at 7:45 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)]


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 910 | Registered: Jun 2013
AFrayedKnot
♂ 36622
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 7:50 AM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

+3 for sisoon

I just spent 5 days in Vegas for work. I have been to Vegas a lot, all for work. It is all about lust, greed, and gluttony. I did my job had dinner and was in my room by 8pm every night.

There is no way in hell I would go there for fun unless I was with broevil.


BS 40
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2668 | Registered: Aug 2012
Lonelygirl10
♀ 39850
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree that there's no reason for him to go. I had a trip planned with my Wbf for Vegas, and after Dday he didn't want to cancel it. I was very not excited about going (my first time), but he swore that there are a ton of things to do there that don't involve naked women.

It was the worst weekend of my life. Even worse than Dday. All of the casinos have "table dancers", which are IMO strippers who don't take off their tops. My Wbf said that he didn't consider these strippers since they're not naked, but they are on the bottom floor of every single hotel. So I was constantly watching them dance as we were walking outside to get a cab, or whatever. The bars also have these table dancers. I refused to go anywhere near a strip club (of course), but all the normal bars have women dancing in thongs and bras. Again, horrible. And then finally, just the normal girls there on vacation appalled me. Everywhere we went at night, then were a ton of girls wearing skin tight, short, low cut dresses and "stripper" shoes. They all had perfect bodies and long hair. It was horrible, and I ended up crying in the bathroom and telling Wbf that I hated him.

So, my advice is for him to not go to Vegas. I also would not advise you to go, because I think that there are a lot of triggers that will make your trip horrible.


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1279 | Registered: Jul 2013
Rebreather
♀ 30817
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, I knew prostitution was legal in Vegas

To be clear, prostitution is NOT legal in Clark County (Las Vegas). It is only legal in the more rural counties, ie, about an hour's drive. While there ARE prostitutes, Las Vegas Metro has a VERY active vice squad.

There a lot of fun things to do in Las Vegas that have nothing to do with going to strip clubs. However, one month from dday? There is not A CHANCE IN HELL my husband would be going there for a weekend of drinking with the boys. No way, no how. He could either a) take the heat from his friends for cancelling, or b) talk to my lawyer.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6643 | Registered: Jan 2011
Mathews
♂ 39900
Member # 39900
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

VEGAS is NO place for him right now. This is a place to party with other women without a doubt, does it mean he will overstep his bounds, maybe not, but be sure he won't leave when the strippers/hookers show up. I wouldn't but that doesn't mean I would do anything either. But he doesn't need to be around it. IMO
He should prove to you he really wants this to work by missing it, I think you are being WAY to soft this early

Posts: 14 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Sad
OldCow18
♀ 39670
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is no chance in hell that I would be ok with this. I'm 6.5 weeks out and I can't imagine I'd be ok with this ever again, forget this early on. No freaking way.

If he went, I'd take the time while he was gone to pack up every last bit of his stuff and leave it in the driveway. Seriously. This would be a deal breaker. He should not even want to go to this.


Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
LivingALie
♀ 17217
Member # 17217
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have to chime in with everyone else – he shouldn’t even WANT to go – don’t worry about what everyone else thinks – who really cares - they’ll move on to the next topic of conversation anyway.

Imagine right now that he’s in vegas – how do you think you’re going to feel while he’s going – you’re going to wondering constantly – did he, didn’t he – will he – won’t he? you already know what he’s capable of – and you don’t trust him – so WHY would you be ok with his going to vegas. Stick up for what YOU want/need to feel safe.

My story doesn’t even compare to vegas – but about 6 months after DDay my H wanted to go his xmas party where OW would be – stupidly, I thought it was ok. I was wrong and stupid to be ok with his going – but I was trying to take the high road and trust him. Sure, he called me while he was gone – but really, what good is that? I was on pins and needles all night long – I really regretted it and later I was angry that HE even wanted to attend. Oh and by the way, they broke NC long before and long after DDay – but me, I wanted to trust him.

Don’t trust a cheater.


Me: BS
H had LTA with co-worker
Both mid-50s
Two sons - grown and on their own
DD - April 2010
Please note registration date is not correct. See my profile for details
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 1267 | Registered: Nov 2007
Topic Posts: 28
Pages: 1 · 2

Return to Forum This Topic is Archived
adultry
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.