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Newest Member: Giupeppe (46032)

User Topic: What is forgiveness?
ohiocarrie535
♀ 39709
Member # 39709
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've read a lot of posts on here that mention forgiving your WS. What does that mean anyway? I'm curious as to what other posters would define forgiveness as. I'm only 5 months out from DDay and though I don't feel any anger towards my WH, I can't say I feel like I've forgiven him. And actually, at this point forgiving him just doesn't seem that important to me.
So please, tell me what you define as forgiving your WS.

Posts: 84 | Registered: Jun 2013
Mikey56
♂ 38063
Member # 38063
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ohiocarrie535,

The definition I like best is:

Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself


Posts: 115 | Registered: Jan 2013
blakesteele
♂ 38044
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have pondered this thought relentlessly.

Here are some of the nuggets I have found thus far as I "panned" in this creek...

Forgiveness is giving up my right to hurt you for hurting me.

Forgivness is giving up all hope of a better past.


NOTE: Forgivness has little, if anything to do with a person asking for it....it is something given freely.

Many WS seem to never get around to asking for forgiveness...that was hard for me to accept, but I believe it to be the truth. I don't really remember my WW asking for my forgiveness. She has told me she is grateful that I am offering her the chance to R.

I have not forgiven yet...so I can't speak to this from a "been there, done that" vantage point.

I will watch this post with interest.

God be with us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4128 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
musiclovingmom
♀ 38207
Member # 38207
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Someone posted this a while back and I saved it to my notebook. It said what I needed to hear.

“Forgiveness is not about forgetting. It is about letting go of another person's throat......Forgiveness does not create a relationship. Unless people speak the truth about what they have done and change their mind and behavior, a relationship of trust is not possible. When you forgive someone you certainly release them from judgment, but without true change, no real relationship can be established.........Forgiveness in no way requires that you trust the one you forgive. But should they finally confess and repent, you will discover a miracle in your own heart that allows you to reach out and begin to build between you a bridge of reconciliation.........Forgiveness does not excuse anything.........You may have to declare your forgiveness a hundred times the first day and the second day, but the third day will be less and each day after, until one day you will realize that you have forgiven completely. And then one day you will pray for his wholeness......”
― Wm. Paul Young, The Shack


Posts: 1172 | Registered: Jan 2013
blakesteele
♂ 38044
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah....what musiclovingmom said!

(My weak statements are fools gold compared to her post )


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4128 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
ItsaClimb
♀ 37107
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 2:10 AM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think forgiveness is a deeply personal thing, it means different things to different people.

I believe forgiveness is giving up the right to revenge and it is letting go of the pain and hurt surrounding whatever it is that we are forgiving.

In my situation I will feel that I have reached the stage of forgiveness when I feel able to stop yelling at my fWH about the affair (when I no longer want to hurt him because he hurt me) and when I feel able to let go of the pain surrounding the A(at the moment the pain is like a pebble in my pocket that I am continually feeling and worrying at)

I found this quote somewhere - can't remember where unfortunately:

Carrying around the hurt from a betrayal eats you up inside. It can change you into a hateful person and isolate you because no-one wants to be around you. Forgiveness is the decision to drop all of that, and realise that you can’t change it, it happened and it’s time to accept it and move on. You decide that the hurt is holding you back from living life to the fullest.

I know there are many people who feel that forgiveness is not necessary in order to R. I am sure you can live happily together without forgiveness, but personally I believe that to fully, totally, completely R you need to forgive deeply. I think that to have one of those awesome marriages post-infidelity - the kind that is better, stronger and deeper than it ever was before - you have to really forgive. I'm not sure I will ever be capable of that. I hope so.


BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 1028 | Registered: Oct 2012
ItsaClimb
♀ 37107
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 2:12 AM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LOVE what musiclovingmom wrote!


BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 1028 | Registered: Oct 2012
cantaccept
♀ 37451
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was also struggling with understanding not only how to forgive but the true meaning of it to me.

At work and can't offer the full explanation, but the book, "How Can I Forgive You", by Janis Abrahms Spring, was amazing to me. Helped me to see how it is possible and the option of acceptance vs forgiveness.

She speaks of true forgiveness and how it must be earned, the roles of each party.

It just really touched me and made the whole concept manageable for me.

One of the best books I have read and believe me there have been so, so many!


"So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key"

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced!


Posts: 1586 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
cantaccept
♀ 37451
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was also struggling with understanding not only how to forgive but the true meaning of it to me.

At work and can't offer the full explanation, but the book, "How Can I Forgive You", by Janis Abrahms Spring, was amazing to me. Helped me to see how it is possible and the option of acceptance vs forgiveness.

She speaks of true forgiveness and how it must be earned, the roles of each party.

It just really touched me and made the whole concept manageable for me.

One of the best books I have read and believe me there have been so, so many!


"So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key"

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced!


Posts: 1586 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
Topic Posts: 9

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