The definition I like best is:
Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself
Here are some of the nuggets I have found thus far as I "panned" in this creek...
Forgiveness is giving up my right to hurt you for hurting me.
Forgivness is giving up all hope of a better past.
NOTE: Forgivness has little, if anything to do with a person asking for it....it is something given freely.
Many WS seem to never get around to asking for forgiveness...that was hard for me to accept, but I believe it to be the truth. I don't really remember my WW asking for my forgiveness. She has told me she is grateful that I am offering her the chance to R.
I have not forgiven yet...so I can't speak to this from a "been there, done that" vantage point.
I will watch this post with interest.
God be with us all.
“Forgiveness is not about forgetting. It is about letting go of another person's throat......Forgiveness does not create a relationship. Unless people speak the truth about what they have done and change their mind and behavior, a relationship of trust is not possible. When you forgive someone you certainly release them from judgment, but without true change, no real relationship can be established.........Forgiveness in no way requires that you trust the one you forgive. But should they finally confess and repent, you will discover a miracle in your own heart that allows you to reach out and begin to build between you a bridge of reconciliation.........Forgiveness does not excuse anything.........You may have to declare your forgiveness a hundred times the first day and the second day, but the third day will be less and each day after, until one day you will realize that you have forgiven completely. And then one day you will pray for his wholeness......”
― Wm. Paul Young, The Shack
(My weak statements are fools gold compared to her post )
I believe forgiveness is giving up the right to revenge and it is letting go of the pain and hurt surrounding whatever it is that we are forgiving.
In my situation I will feel that I have reached the stage of forgiveness when I feel able to stop yelling at my fWH about the affair (when I no longer want to hurt him because he hurt me) and when I feel able to let go of the pain surrounding the A(at the moment the pain is like a pebble in my pocket that I am continually feeling and worrying at)
I found this quote somewhere - can't remember where unfortunately:
Carrying around the hurt from a betrayal eats you up inside. It can change you into a hateful person and isolate you because no-one wants to be around you. Forgiveness is the decision to drop all of that, and realise that you can’t change it, it happened and it’s time to accept it and move on. You decide that the hurt is holding you back from living life to the fullest.
I know there are many people who feel that forgiveness is not necessary in order to R. I am sure you can live happily together without forgiveness, but personally I believe that to fully, totally, completely R you need to forgive deeply. I think that to have one of those awesome marriages post-infidelity - the kind that is better, stronger and deeper than it ever was before - you have to really forgive. I'm not sure I will ever be capable of that. I hope so.
At work and can't offer the full explanation, but the book, "How Can I Forgive You", by Janis Abrahms Spring, was amazing to me. Helped me to see how it is possible and the option of acceptance vs forgiveness.
She speaks of true forgiveness and how it must be earned, the roles of each party.
It just really touched me and made the whole concept manageable for me.
One of the best books I have read and believe me there have been so, so many!
dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
I attempted R, he was a lie