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Afraid to return to school.

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Justmiserable posted 7/23/2013 14:39 PM

During my husbands A, he casually mentioned my plans for school or work in the future. I've been a SAHM for years and I homeschool our youngest daughter. He swears that this comment had nothing to do with his thoughts on me supporting myself should he leave because he had no intention to, just that he thought I needed to work toward something. Yeah right.

I signed up for some classes online to finish my computer science degree. I was nervous about the programming class that I needed, but I found a free class on coursera that I could take before my paid classes began. I worked my butt off trying to grasp it and was so excited when things began to make sense. That's the day he dropped the bomb on me.

I ended up taking different classes when the paid classes started back up. I finished the quarter with good grades (no idea how since I could barely function). I then withdrew again to deal with panic attacks and major PTSD.

So I've recently started new meds and I'm feeling some better. My husband couldn't be more supportive and remorseful. I saw the same free programming class on coursera again and it starts next month. Should I try it or am I only asking for trigger city? It's affair season right now and I'm dealing with a lot. Should I wait another year until it rolls back around or am I just being a coward?

Jennifer99 posted 7/23/2013 15:24 PM

No advice. Just sympathetic hugs.

~ from someone that just had to withdraw from a summer class because everything is just too much right now.

Here's to fall semester!

Hearthache again posted 7/23/2013 21:35 PM

Do it. I was scared to start school back up again too. When I first started college almost 4 years ago my husband cheated on me for the second time. He had poor cooping skills and turned to a friend at work that turned sexual.

I had to take time off due to getting pregnant, breastfeeding, depression, PTSD, and anxiety attacks. I have felt great for over a year now. My friends and H have been pushing for me to go back. I finally realized that no matter what I do he is responsible for his actions, not me. I am following the plan that God has called on my life, not a plan full of fear as to what might happen.

I will be finishing 6 credit hours next week for the summer semester, and attending 14 credit hours in the fall. It is great. I love ever second I am in class. My life is moving forward again. I am no longer trapped by the infidelity monster that controlled my life for 5 years.

DO IT!!!!

[This message edited by Hearthache again at 9:38 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]

Justmiserable posted 7/24/2013 09:22 AM

Thanks for the advice. I've been avoiding soooo many things that trigger me and sometimes it feels like if I keep it up, it's gonna mean giving up everything I care about and locking myself inside.

Had a talk with my husband last night about how I was feeling. Hearing him say just how stupid his A was and how insignificant his AP was, does make me feel better. The OW really did a number on my mind by torturing me with her Pinterest posts after the A ended. It increased my rage and made me believe there was some big romance when in fact, it was just as sleazy and cliche as any other.

I've decided that I will try the coursera class since it is free and if it goes well, its time to return to school full time. It's beyond time that I start reclaiming a few things and at least I have Klonopin now if it gets rough.

karmahappens posted 7/24/2013 09:35 AM

The longer you let triggers control your life, the longer they will.

Face them, deal with them and get rid of them.

(((hugs))) you can so do this....

sisoon posted 7/24/2013 17:21 PM

I've decided that I will try the coursera class since it is free and if it goes well, its time to return to school full time.

That's great! Just a note - 'goes well' could include learning important things about yourself. It's not the grade that matters - it's whether or not the course prepares you for full-credit school.

HUM1021 posted 7/24/2013 18:55 PM

Do it!

Justmiserable posted 7/24/2013 21:04 PM

I made some major progress today. I discovered a computer science class on coursera that includes some programming. It's self paced so I was able to begin today and my 13 year old DD signed up and joined me. We had a lot of fun and finished week one in one day. She says that she'd like us to keep up the pace and tackle the upcoming Python programming class together. I love love love that kid so very much :-)

sisoon posted 7/25/2013 12:41 PM

Huh? Your kid is going to help you with your homework????

Blobette posted 7/25/2013 13:20 PM

Go for it! Being able to feel good about something you're good at is so important in building your self-confidence. I also find that doing stuff like programming is so engrossing -- you look up and an hour has passed and you've hardly noticed. This is all great for your psyche and you'll feel so great for doing something for yourself. And besides, it sounds like it's a great bonding experience for you and DD!

HeartInADustpan posted 7/25/2013 13:26 PM

Your post really resonates with me Jm. Next month I will be quitting my job I've had for 10 years and returning to school to pursue my dream. This will be the first time I've been unemployed since I was 15 years old. I'm scared to death too!!

GO FOR IT! We will make it.

Jennifer99 posted 7/25/2013 14:30 PM

Yay JM! Good for you!

Hope you enjoy every minute of it!

Hearthache again posted 7/25/2013 22:22 PM

WooHoo!! You did it.

betrayed5years posted 7/25/2013 23:14 PM

Just miserable...Do what you want to do. I know things I have to avoid...those that I did for years, but OW/WS took my Saturdays that I was selling my jewelry at a open market/bazaars. OW came to "visit" a neighbor---

I cannot do jewelry now...for several other reasons related to my WS and his LTA. WS has offered to go with me and has on 3 occasions but it is not worth the emotional triggers in my head and heart.

I choose to do something totally different my returning to a regular job. It was hard at first and threatening to WS but I am gaining my emotional stability---and financial security back.

You need to decide what you can handle when...we each have our own path and healing time with our triggers. Take care of yourself!!!

Justmiserable posted 7/26/2013 13:03 PM

Had to giggle at your comment sisoon. Actually, programming comes easier to children than adults just like learning a foreign language. My daughter is 13 and I've homeschooled her for five years. She's quite the little brainiac. We actually raced each other on a simple coding exercise yesterday and she beat me by over a minute. We both laughed and are having fun with it. I just needed something to make the class less triggery for me, since coding is exactly what I was working on when my husband sent me his email about his female "friend" last year. I also rearranged my home office, moved it to a different room, and painted the walls a nice new color. For some reason, just changing around my environment has helped with triggers as well.

BeyondBreaking posted 7/26/2013 13:31 PM

I would try to go to school. Why?

A HUGE part of recovery is living for you. School benefits YOU, your life, and furthers your career/dreams. It shouldn't be about him at all. Don't even think about him. This is all about YOU, and you deserve it!

That's the way I looked at school when I went back after DD's dad and I broke up. It was something I was doing for me to improve my life- who the heck cares what he is doing? I don't need him!


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