SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Return to Forum List

Question on forming healthy attachments

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

Spelljean posted 7/23/2013 14:45 PM

Ok, WH recently informed me that from day 1, he has been lying to OW. He told her he was divorcing and wasn't even living with me. (truth is we were living a normal married life under the same roof when he started seeing her)

He said he lied to her about anything and everything. His values, beliefs, living arrangements, our relationship, who he was as a person...I mean, personally I can't form any kind of bond or attachment to someone I'm lying to so badly.

I know that its another subjective belief. People can feel attracted to those they aren't being honest to, and feel they are forming an honest close bond to this person, despite the lies.

I would have to ask myself though, what am I basing that attachment on? To me, a deep connection develops from sharing with someone, sharing your thoughts, your beliefs, your dreams, being forthright with who you are, what you want,and what your values are.

If I felt a connection after lying so much to someone, I would have to question my own ability to be truly intimate with people. I wouldn't even recognize my connections are shallow no doubt.

Not trying to discredit their "connection" or anything but honestly the drama is so ridiculous. I mean, WH was telling her they were going to run off, get married, have a kid....and he was living with me! I didn't even know he was seeing someone else.

All old news.

In our case anyway, it really was textbook Fog, Fantasy, and Soulmate connection.

Yuck.

Jennifer99 posted 7/23/2013 14:54 PM

I like the term delusional.

Sometimes I am delusional myself. But never on that scale.

naivewife posted 7/23/2013 15:15 PM

This is a really interesting topic for me. WH also admitted he lied about EVERYTHING to OW. I think most affairs are chock full of lies, especially about the state of your marriage and the type of person the BS is, but I mean he lied about EVERYTHING! He's even shocked about the amazing lies he told, things there was no reason to even lie about - his job, his accomplishments, his friendships, you name it, he lied about it. And OW was throwing herself all over him from day 1 so there was really no reason for it. And it does also make me question WH's attachments. Lately the question of "Love" has been talked about a lot. I ask him what he loved about her, or why he thought he loved her, and if he's being honest, the stuff he's telling me isn't my idea of love at all (one of his biggest ideas of this love was her availability and that he felt safe when she was around). It would better be described as dependence, IMO. He uses the word "love" with so many people that the other day I finally asked him to stop using it in association with anyone other than his family.

naivewife posted 7/23/2013 15:22 PM

I would have to ask myself though, what am I basing that attachment on? To me, a deep connection develops from sharing with someone, sharing your thoughts, your beliefs, your dreams, being forthright with who you are, what you want,and what your values are.

This, absolutely. WH keeps qualifying his "love" for OW as "different" than his love for me, and basically said what you say above, about how our love is based in reality, in who we are as people. I agree with him on that. But what I don't understand is how he can even entertain the word in terms of his relationship with OW, since if he were to write a 200 word essay on who he is without using his name, OW wouldn't have a clue it was about him - and vice versa, he knew OW for a few months, and likely doesn't have a clue who she is either. He even admits that he got into the relationship thinking she was one person and by the mid-way point realized she was not that person at all, and spent the rest of the time trying to get out of it.

1Faith posted 7/23/2013 15:38 PM

It is called Fog Fantasy Land.

Nothing is based on honesty or truth. It is based on lies and deceit.

It is ego driven so they feel better about themselves and they leave their normal real lives with kids, mortgages and bills to go play love connection.

It is avoidance of real life and looking for a fix to feel better about themselves.

Onward.

2married2quit posted 7/23/2013 15:41 PM

I don't know which is worse? Cheating with the truth or cheating with lies? Mine and OM told each other the truth. Unhappy and married. The only lie was the A being a good choice and thinking it would end well.

Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 SurvivingInfidelity.com ®. All Rights Reserved.