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Newest Member: Myloh (61085)

User Topic: Emotional Infidelity worries
♀ 39910
Member # 39910
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't really know where to post this, so here goes. Since it isn't true infidelity I am not sure if I even belong here.

I hope it isn't too rambling, but I am having a hard time sorting everything out in my head. About 3 weeks ago, my husband (of 8 years, together 13 years) went to a film shoot where he played a Civil War soldier. Those at the event were mainly hobby reenactors, not real actors. As a hobbyist he stayed in a tent for 5 nights. When he got home he told me he had let a fellow female reenactor he had just met sleep in his tent because of a huge rain storm which flooded her tent. He slept on the air mattress and she on the ground. He gave her a couple blankets and let her share those on top of him too because she was cold, but she was on the ground the entire time.

Normally this would not have bothered me. I trust my husband and know he wouldn't cheat. He has many other female friends including an ex-fiance and I have never batted an eye.

However, he didn't tell me about the woman when I spoke to him during the event. Normally he would have "asked" if it was okay and I would have been fine with it. I think the fact he didn't ask or mention it at the time is what triggered my insecurity. Since the event he has friended the woman on Facebook and for several nights was up late chatting to her.

I have brought up my concerns, not that it is/was physical, but that it may turn into something more. He has assured me that it won't, has offered to let me see his chat thread, has offered to unfriend her, has offered to be sure he won't see her at any other events (she lives about 2.5 hours away and he doesn't expect to see her at more than one a year). Overall he has been very supportive and more than understanding and respectful of my feelings. I don't want him to have to unfriend this woman. My husband has a hard time making friends and I don't want to stand in the way if he has "clicked" with someone as a friend. But I am having a horrible time getting the "gut instinct" that there is something else up to go away. When my rational mind takes over I completely believe him, nothing is going on and I really don't think anything happened. But then I have one of my breakdowns-throwing up, hysterical crying etc. triggered tiny things, for example her liking my husband's Facebook status. I have never had anything like this before in my life and it scares me. My husband wants me to see someone, and is very worried about me.

Since I have been having these panic attacks my husband has taken a step back. He doesn't chat with her as much and has come straight out an told her he is only interested in friendship-which she has completely agreed with. He also said looking back at their conversations they could be read into and he isn't so sure that she wasn't looking for something more (she is in an open marriage), sort of feeling him out, at the start. As we have been talking about this the last few weeks I think the thing that bothers me most is the possibility of an emotional affair. I don't think the thought even crossed his mind-he was just excited to have a new friend. But I still can't get past that it might happen. What I know of her makes me very jealous and I think that may be the part of the issue. He said he had so much fun with her and missed that we don't have as much fun as before we had our 18 month old. Until I really started to let him know how much this upset me, it felt like he was spending more time with her, and looking forward to chatting more with her than me.

To complicate matters I was very ill while hubby was away and was on codeine and mega antibiotics, both of which can cause delusions (I found out after the fact) and I wonder if this may have contributed to the situation.

On the positive side this has given us the kick in the pants we have both needed to focus on us and our relationship (more intimacy, hugs, kisses, "I love yous") which have gone by the wayside since the baby. We have even scheduled a weekend away in August.

Anyway, I think I am asking for advice on how to start getting over this. I don't really know where to go or start. I am still having these episodes of doubt, some mild others major. I have considered talking to a counselor, and my husband is very willing to go with me for support if I need or for couples counseling if that is what I need to get past this. I have gone so far as making an appointment for 3 weeks from now. Any advice or similar situations are welcome. Sorry for the ramble!

Posts: 2 | Registered: Jul 2013
♀ 39551
Member # 39551
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you're doing the best you can and IC is never a bad idea. I hope it helps.

Until then, don't discount your feelings. I wish I had paid more attention to mine long ago. But I suffered from "overly emotional" guilt - everyone my whole life telling me I'm over emotional so I spent too long trying to make sure my rational brain was doing the deciding.


You could look at the healing library over in the yellow box on the sidebar to see if there are things you can apply to your situation.

Posts: 557 | Registered: Jun 2013
♀ 34262
Member # 34262
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with Jennifer. Your husband may be on the very precipice of the slippery slope. This is a good time for "no opposite sex friends that aren't friends with both of us."

My fWS actually asked me if it was okay to make friends with OW. I have always been outgoing and made friends easily. FWS is an introvert and doesn't connect easily with others. I asked fWS if OW knew fWS was already in a relationship. "Oh yes," said fWS "but don't worry OW is straight" (of course till she wasn't )

If I had went out for drinks when fWS was first meeting somewhere maybe OW would have recognized I was a PERSON and not set her hooks into fWS. (Or maybe she would have since she turned out to be such a c**t... Who knows?)

But ALWAYS believe your instincts!

Me: BS 48
Her: FWS 51 (both family med MDs; together 21 years)
OW: who cares (PhD)
Dday: 10/11: 11/11 TT for months; NC 8/12
"band aids don't fix bullet holes" Taylor Swift
I NEVER mind medical ???

Posts: 3003 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Here
♀ 39910
Member # 39910
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks. I agree I need to trust my instincts and my husband even agrees. As he says "you are rarely wrong with your gut feelings".

We found out last night that the OW wants an open marriage but her husband isn't too thrilled. Looking back at her messages he wonders if she was feeling him out and I picked up on it. After reading what others are going though on here I think having trusted myself and being open with my husband about my feelings, and his willingness to accept and respect them, has possibly saved us from big problems.

I am looking forward to my IC now (but am still nervous), hoping to get to the root of my concerns and possibly a session or two of couples counseling to give us some tools to make our marriage stronger so this won't happen again.

Posts: 2 | Registered: Jul 2013
Topic Posts: 4

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