Yesterday my XH was given a letter by my lawyer regarding alimony termination and child support modification.
It started out with a text message from him: Wow, not even a heads up?
Now this:
Momma,
I’m not bothered by the action you are taking as much as the fact that you did it as you did. You had this planned when you asked for my address earlier this summer – though I was too ignorant to see why you needed it; I thought it was so you would know where the kids would be. In actuality, you wanted it in order to send the legal documents from your lawyer.
Yesterday was really bad timing – things are going downhill very fast for me at (job), as well as our overall direction. My job is in a high-risk of failure now, with termination possible (though my boss says “we’re not necessarily at that point yet”). In reality, though, it is approaching that point. So, it’s really bad timing, and it was the end of another day of people resigning from my department. The company has to take drastic action to change how things are going, and I am likely going to be the target (though it’s largely out of my control). It’s like I’m a coach, and the team’s doing badly. Coach gets replaced. I’m trying hard to overcome this, but it’s not a good situation. (This is me: he just traded his car in for a brand new Mercedes in April for his 10 year work anniversary)
Anyways, coming home and seeing this letter from your lawyer yesterday really surprised me, and I would have thought that we had a decent enough relationship around the kids to be able to be open about these things. I don’t have a problem modifying the child support and I am in support of the action (though financially at times it can be hard, I believe that I’ve been supportive of kids’ expenses).
The way it was done makes me feel like I’m viewed as a deadbeat dad, with the way you approached it. Is that really how you see me? It’s extremely disappointing.
Some of the language in this is really bothersome – especially how it is urgent that the child support must be modified before July 25th, when the order for alimony expires. This is how to handle it? This is what you meant by your response to my request for some help in kids’ expenses while they are out here: “I am preparing with the loss of alimony income in the next 3 weeks. That's a big chunk of my budget that I will need to make up monthly. ”. By preparing, you meant this – why couldn’t you just say that?
Now off to court. Perfect. It was that urgent? The extra money you have this summer while not having to pay for kids’ expenses and upkeep while they are here couldn’t have bought you time? But it’s not money going to the kids, right? It’s money going to legal fees. Great. Good to know it’s being put to good use. Seems appropriate.
I don’t like how this is going, and I don’t like the surprise letter and order received on Monday for a court date on Thursday. It’s too much – and hardly time to dig up or obtain all of my pay stubs – they don’t fluctuate, so I don’t keep them anyways. I will be wasting my time this week – and away from work, which I really can’t afford right now, as well as time away from the kids – in obtaining a lawyer and going to court. If you’ve been planning it for a while, you could have at least prepared me. Kids are on their own tonight, as I have to now go talk to attorneys. And I can’t AFFORD an attorney – but can I afford not to at least have equal representation as you do? And if there was open communication, probably wouldn’t be necessary. But since I’m not clear on what’s going on, and I’m not clear on the language – I have to do this.
I don’t know what to expect, but I also am not happy with how things are going. I don’t think it’s fair, and I don’t think it’s right. I asked for some compensation to help with kids’ expenses here, and when you claimed hardship, I didn’t push. I tried to understand your situation and sympathize.
Why couldn’t you just give me a head’s up? Work is going to hell, and then this.
Thanks – glad we have such good communication.
XH
I shouldn't have responded but did with this:
XH,
This was not a plan by me when I asked for your address. I asked for your current address so as their mother I knew where they would be for the summer. The only address I had for you was (GF's town).That was in May.
I knew this day would come up in 5 years. I knew you would be upset regardless if I gave you a heads up or not. It's inevitable with a divorce and children involved.
I contacted my old lawyer on July 11th, not May regarding the alimony situation knowing that it was to end. He stated to me that a court order to terminate would be needed for it to stop or it would continue on until one of us stopped it. That date the lawyer chose was because it is the 5 year mark. He then brought up issues about child support. I told him what I knew. It only made sense financially to bundle these issues together to lessen the impact on lawyer fees. Nothing more.
It's your choice to retain a lawyer.
As for the other things you stated below, I'm not going to even answer.
Momma
Next email him:
again, no heads up?
He's called me and text me to please call. Then another email: Can we talk on the phone? I'm not trying to fight. Just talk.
I have not responded. Why should I? He knows what is happening.
We had a decent co parent relationship before. We talked or emailed when it concerned the kids well beings or schooling. This changed that dynamic totally.
I worry because the kids are with him right now for his visitation for the summer. I have also given him more than our agreement every year for summer break because we live 2,000 miles apart so we don't have the standard EOW thing. Time is not a factor in CS as we divorced in Illinois.
[This message edited by Mommato4 at 3:19 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]