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Newest Member: Giupeppe (46032)

User Topic: WS Delusional about Effort?? WS's welcome
whensenough
♀ 36700
Member # 36700
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I starting to understand how deeply he believes in himself.

He continues to claim he has done all he can when he has done nothing.

I miss intimacy physically and emotionally.

His idea of extraordinary effort is staying sober, being honest, being faithful, paying bills, helping out around the house, tells me he loves me, kisses me, tells me im beautiful...i need more than nice words. i need actions.

Those things do nothing for me. Am I delusional or is he?

I told him that he would have to make me fall in love with him. These are the ways he says he shows his love.

Obviously the honesty and faithfulness dont count because i dont have trust so I dont know if thats true but if it was it still wouldnt be enough.

All he can say is that he sorry he cant love me in the way i need to feel love...as if the things i feel like i need or absurd to ask for. and if we dont work he tried buti basically to hard to please.

The things i ask for are trust, communication, conflict resolution, empathy, open mindedness, infatuation to a certain extent. Basicallyi need to see that he cares and puts effort into meeting my emotional needs. Ive seen the work hes put in to get other women but he cant do half of that to win back the heart of the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with???

How is it they he feels like hes put in SOO much work??

ETA: In my head he still having an affair so until he proves at least that much nothing else means anything. Until he addresses his conflict avoidance and communicate he will still be a liar. If he can do those two things we can BEGIN to recover and he knows this but will not...

[This message edited by whensenough at 6:04 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]


WSO: 29
BSO: 27 mommy of 3 under 7, #4 due may 2013
D Day#1: august 25 2010 ow#1
D Day#2: jun 15 2012 from 7 mt PA/EA with ow#2
+ a couple of short term flings.
D Day #3 sometime the last week in march / false R Same ow
OVER IT ALL!! DONE!!

Posts: 222 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Tx
Spideysense
♀ 39591
Member # 39591
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Im sorry I have no words of advice of even comfort, i jsut wanted to tell you that you are not alone. i feel the exact same way, my H thinks hes doing all of these things but he isnt, ive gone as far as telling him to make a list of actions...you can text me 100 times a day nice thoughts but if you dont do the actions it means nothing...you texted me 100 times a day nice thoughts while you were texting OW too so that doesnt work. and he says the same things too, im sorry i cant make you happy...like im choosing to be unhappy, you cant make me happy? yes you can but you have to actually TRY to do it...ugh, sorry not much help, just that i get it

Posts: 72 | Registered: Jun 2013
canteat
♀ 39636
Member # 39636
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

His idea of extraordinary effort is staying sober, being honest, being faithful, paying bills, helping out around the house, tells me he loves me, kisses me, tells me im beautiful...i need more than nice words. i need actions.

What actions do you need? What do you mean when you say that? If you can't give specifics how can he know what you need? The things he is doing don't sound like such a bad start. If you need more from him you need to be able to communicate those needs to him in a way he understands.

The things i ask for are trust, communication, conflict resolution, empathy, open mindedness, infatuation to a certain extent.

These are abstacts. Again, you need to be direct and concrete with your needs. He may be honestly trying to show you these things but without knowing exactly what you need he is left to make it up for himself. And there is obviously a disconnect there. It sounds as if he is willing to try but without direction he will eventually give up because he will feel like nothing he does is good enough. He is already alluding to this.

You may not know what you need-and that's ok-but you better take some time and find out!

I see from your profile that you have had mutlitple Ddays and that WH is a recovering addict. (mine is too) This adds an extra set of issues on top of R. These are his issues that need to be addressed. He can't just stop using and "poof" everything is better. All the underlying issues (which in my case were the same ones that led to A) are still there. Also, I am sure that there are other "hurts" and resentments that stem from the addiction that need to be addressed too.

You have had multiple Ddays and have been trying to R for a while. Are either or both of you in IC? MC? I think that you both could benefit from some outside help. You may want to look into Al-anon or Nar-anon meetings for yourself too.

*hugs*


Me: BW 42
Him: WH 47
Married 9 years-together 18
Dday: 6/17/2013 EA/PA(EA 1yr/PA 6mos-OW out of state)
status: Starting R 7/22/13

Posts: 151 | Registered: Jun 2013
spinning73
♀ 39675
Member # 39675
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you read 5 Love Languages? Maybe you speak different languages in showing how you feel?


me-BS 40
WH-40
Together 23 years, married 17 years
DDs-11 and 8, DS 7
4 month EA/PA ended by WH 2 months before
DD-4/14/13
Hoping this recovery is real...

Posts: 42 | Registered: Jun 2013
whensenough
♀ 36700
Member # 36700
Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We do speak different love languages...the difference between us is that his love language is narcissistic supply. Excessive admiration, walking on egg shells, and not complaining, catering to him , and giving him pats on the back, validation no matter how wrong he is....the ego boost thing...

to be more specific i dont need specifics...

i need communication about anything. show me that your willing to push past your conflict avoidance that leads to deceptions. i need to know he is working on him self to not fall back into the same patterns, i need him to meet y needs with out me having to stay on his case. ive told him my specific needs and if i dont make a big deal about it he wont do anything but sit on the couch and play games...

its not the action per se but the lack of initiative consistency and pro action ...its the making promises and going in circles because he doesnt follow through.

i basically need consistent effort out of his own will of any kind to change and do something anything besides meeting household needs and financial obligations.

my most important would be security and trust and communication. im not going to help him figure that out because ive done my part to try to prevent my level of distrust from getting to the point it is. damn near unfixable. but he does nothing.

example: we went somewhere where i noticed him paying attention to a woman and ignoring me. i find out to days later he has sex with her yrs ago.

if i was him i would have done everything i c ould have to make my woman feel comfortable if i know an ex will be around. i would definitely communicate who she is to my woman. and communicate about the way to go about it...

the communication thing would resolve most of our issues bu he refuses too. they grow out of control because he wont communicate.

THE TRUST? idk how he can regain that because hes deceived while pretend to be transparent so transparency doesnt help. + the underground a / false r. it doesnt matter if hes faithful if hes not proving it. he does things knowing that they will make me feel more insecure. like rushing me off the phone at a friends house when a man who wants his wife to be secure would stay on the phone so she has nothing to worry about...especially if ive let it be known that i not okay with that.

The effort i need is his willingness to continue to work on his underlying issues. he only puts the work in when shit hits the fan. he wont even do his twelve steps. he like to be comfortable he doesnt like to move forward. so he we stay in limbo.

I need him to dis prove all the thing he has proven by months of affiars.

hes admitted that his whole life he has taken the easy way out,his mom spoils him even as an adult so hes got the "my mommy did all the hard problem solving for me so i dont know how to problem solve or figure things out or be a pro active responsible adult on my own i just cry and complain-syndrome"

[This message edited by whensenough at 5:54 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]


WSO: 29
BSO: 27 mommy of 3 under 7, #4 due may 2013
D Day#1: august 25 2010 ow#1
D Day#2: jun 15 2012 from 7 mt PA/EA with ow#2
+ a couple of short term flings.
D Day #3 sometime the last week in march / false R Same ow
OVER IT ALL!! DONE!!

Posts: 222 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Tx
UnexpectedSong
♀ 21761
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I need him to dis prove all the thing he has proven by months of affiars.

He's not going to change. Have you figured out how you will live with him this way?


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6121 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
whensenough
♀ 36700
Member # 36700
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

good question??

idk..i guess ill have to be content with someone who pays the bills and gives me the opportunity to raise my family...fuck it...i give up on love til my kids are grown


WSO: 29
BSO: 27 mommy of 3 under 7, #4 due may 2013
D Day#1: august 25 2010 ow#1
D Day#2: jun 15 2012 from 7 mt PA/EA with ow#2
+ a couple of short term flings.
D Day #3 sometime the last week in march / false R Same ow
OVER IT ALL!! DONE!!

Posts: 222 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Tx
Topic Posts: 7

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