We do speak different love languages...the difference between us is that his love language is narcissistic supply. Excessive admiration, walking on egg shells, and not complaining, catering to him , and giving him pats on the back, validation no matter how wrong he is....the ego boost thing...
to be more specific i dont need specifics...
i need communication about anything. show me that your willing to push past your conflict avoidance that leads to deceptions. i need to know he is working on him self to not fall back into the same patterns, i need him to meet y needs with out me having to stay on his case. ive told him my specific needs and if i dont make a big deal about it he wont do anything but sit on the couch and play games...
its not the action per se but the lack of initiative consistency and pro action ...its the making promises and going in circles because he doesnt follow through.
i basically need consistent effort out of his own will of any kind to change and do something anything besides meeting household needs and financial obligations.
my most important would be security and trust and communication. im not going to help him figure that out because ive done my part to try to prevent my level of distrust from getting to the point it is. damn near unfixable. but he does nothing.
example: we went somewhere where i noticed him paying attention to a woman and ignoring me. i find out to days later he has sex with her yrs ago.
if i was him i would have done everything i c ould have to make my woman feel comfortable if i know an ex will be around. i would definitely communicate who she is to my woman. and communicate about the way to go about it...
the communication thing would resolve most of our issues bu he refuses too. they grow out of control because he wont communicate.
THE TRUST? idk how he can regain that because hes deceived while pretend to be transparent so transparency doesnt help. + the underground a / false r. it doesnt matter if hes faithful if hes not proving it. he does things knowing that they will make me feel more insecure. like rushing me off the phone at a friends house when a man who wants his wife to be secure would stay on the phone so she has nothing to worry about...especially if ive let it be known that i not okay with that.
The effort i need is his willingness to continue to work on his underlying issues. he only puts the work in when shit hits the fan. he wont even do his twelve steps. he like to be comfortable he doesnt like to move forward. so he we stay in limbo.
I need him to dis prove all the thing he has proven by months of affiars.
hes admitted that his whole life he has taken the easy way out,his mom spoils him even as an adult so hes got the "my mommy did all the hard problem solving for me so i dont know how to problem solve or figure things out or be a pro active responsible adult on my own i just cry and complain-syndrome"
[This message edited by whensenough at 5:54 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]