"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

dontstop posted 7/23/2013 16:22 PM

I feel off today so let me say this. My WH is doing everything to make up for his A. He does not want a divorce or even a separation. He says he wants me and the kids and realized it when he saw that he was going to lose everything. He said it was screwed up that he had to realize what he had and that he wishes he could take it all back. He's even planning a fancy dinner for our upcoming anniversary.

So there's this positive outlook, well, for situations like this that we are all dealing with on this forum. But I don't forgive him and I don't take things like this lightly even though I really love him and don't want to end our marriage. I'm never actually happy anymore. Does anyone else get what I'm saying?

So, for those who understand, when you spend more than a decade with someone and invested your life with them, share children with them, etc., you don't just walk away even when they rip apart your life with their adultery. We do real communication and no bullsh**. And yet, I fear I'll never be happy, deep down. All I have to do is think about the things he said and what he did and I question the reality of our relationship. I don't live among rainbows and unicorns, but I admit I believe in love. I'm very unsure of my future. In fact, I go back and forth every day. I love him, but that doesn't mean we should be together. Since he cheated, what does that really say about our love and marriage? His vows were tested by time and life...and he failed.

I thought he was the man who adores his wife and who would be insulted if another woman came on to him. My idea of a dream husband isn't perfect and I don't want to be put on a pedestal. I want a relationship where it counts. Examples...He enjoys mundane days because they are with me. He's happy because no matter what comes his way, good or bad, possessions, career, etc., he has his lady right next to him. He doesn't "fall" out of love with his wife. He finds that reasoning ludicrous. He isn't bitter towards her for things not going as planned. He doesn't blame her for his shortcomings. Nor does he place the responsibility of his complete happiness on her shoulders. When he weathers through a storm, he knows she'll be there next to him.

I don't know how to be on our anniversary. If I'm sad or upset, then I ruined it. If I'm enjoying myself, then I feel like something's wrong. I can picture it now, "Happy Anniversary honey! I'm so glad to be celebrating 11 years with you... well even though you slept with another woman back in April..." Hmmmm, that's not going to work. I can tell that he really is trying to make this work. And I'm really not trying to sabotage us, but I feel what I feel.

Violetta posted 7/23/2013 16:32 PM

Hugs to you. I'm too freshly embroiled in all this myself to have much advice, so take this for what it's worth, but I would try and have as much fun as you can. Maybe keep it pretty low-key -- just a nice dinner -- and save a big celebration for another year.

Violetta posted 7/23/2013 16:32 PM

Sorry, double post!

[This message edited by Violetta at 4:33 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]

1Faith posted 7/23/2013 16:36 PM

Dontstop

You have been heard.

Yes, of course we all get what you are saying. We do, I do.

Your feelings are completely normal. Maddening but normal. Frustrating but normal.

It is hard to want to celebrate your anniversary when your whole world has been turned upside down. You have lost your equilibrium and your foundation of what is true and real. Again, normal.

It will take a long time to regain any true sense of reality because you have been betrayed so greatly by the one person you thought would never betray you.

Don't rush yourself in landing in one spot. You will feel everything and nothing. You will be 100% committed to making it work and loving your husband again to saying I am 99% out the door and he's such a jackass.

You have to allow yourself to feel everything you feel. You have been dealt a terrible blow. It takes it's toll on the body, mind and soul. Be kind to yourself.

My stomach is in knots for you right now. Your pain pours off the screen. I am so sorry you are suffering like this, but I want to assure you...it will get better. You will be OK just not right now.

You have already taken the first step to healing, you reached out for support. You found a very safe place full of very compassionate people that know exactly what you're going through.

We've all been where you are now and most of us have made it out the other side.

The shock of infidelity can cause PTSD. It takes such a heavy toll on the betrayed.

What you're feeling is normal, awful but normal. Sometimes it takes months to begin to process it all.

Do what you need to do to heal yourself. Be kind to you now. If you can go to IC, it helps a lot. It is your WH's job to fix himself. You can't fix him because you didn't break him. You did nothing wrong.

With time, you can work together to fix your relationship and save your marriage if that is what you decide you want. I have been right where you are, in all that pain, with all the confusion, anger and shame.

My recommendation on your anniversary is play it by ear. If you are up for it that day go. And simply say, I am here because I want to try and make our marriage work. We have a lot of work to do but I also know that 11 years and our family are worth fighting for. I hope you feel the same way and are willing to stand by me as I navigate through healing.

Don't fake it, just be real.

Good luck.

(((hugs)))

wanttogoforward posted 7/23/2013 16:37 PM

I get what you are saying... at 3+ years out my H still expresses fears that I will never be happy again like I was prior to his EA.... I know he wants me to be happy again, and I also really want to be happy again....
You will experience moments as time goes by of happiness.... and moments of sadness... it will get better with time...
I also struggle with reconciling the person in front of me who says and now shows they love me with the person who could do horrible things to me and tell others how awful I was and how we had so many problems... which we didn't... it truly is difficult to put those two different things together and accept them.....
To move forward you need to at least give him a chance to be what he is trying to be... let him plan an anniversary dinner... go with an open mind... you may find yourself forgetting for a bit... enjoying yourself and feeling like your old self who was carefree and trusting...
I treasure the moments when he puts in the effort and I can forget and just enjoy time with him.... go and enjoy :)

canteat posted 7/23/2013 17:39 PM

I would discuss your feelings about the anniversary dinner with him before hand. Let him know your fears and reservations about it so he will understand if it is not the type of night he envisioned. It is a positive thing that he wants to plan a nice evening for you. He is showing you that he cares and that you are special to him. It doesn't need to be any more than that. You don't need to put any pressure on the night just because it is your anniversary. This is all very recent for you so you won't be in a place to forgive him yet. He hasn't earned it but he is trying. And planning this dinner is one of the ways he is trying. Just take it at face value.

All I have to do is think about the things he said and what he did and I question the reality of our relationship.

I totally understand-I question what is real too-but I have decided not to overthink things and try not to dwell on this. Both the M and the A can be "real" in that they happened. The A was real-but it was based in fantasy and lies. It was not sustainable. When put to the test-it crumbled. The M on the other hand is being fought for, worked on, hopefully made better than ever out of the ashes of the A.

Since he cheated, what does that really say about our love and marriage? His vows were tested by time and life...and he failed.

I don't know why but this made me think of a quote that I have(i have a journal with all kinds of quotes that I come across) so I will share it for what it's worth.

"If you have made mistakes...there is always another chance for you...you may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing we call "failure" is not the falling down, but the staying down."
-Mary Pickford

good luck and *hugs*

[This message edited by canteat at 5:41 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]

1Faith posted 7/23/2013 17:48 PM

Great post Canteat.

Thank you.

doggiemom12 posted 7/23/2013 18:16 PM

Postpone the anniversary dinner maybe forever. This will not go well and he will only blame you.

Do something nice for yourself that day and forget him, really. What did he do to earn this gift from you? Nothing.

Just make it another day, preferably without him in it.

wifeno2 posted 7/23/2013 18:54 PM

I hear you. I think all BS struggle with their anniversaries. Especially the first one.

Ours is this Monday. This will be the third since I discovered his A's.

Why celebrate a day that the WS took vows they didn't, wouldn't or couldn't keep? Why would we want to celebrate their failure? I know I don't. I know he stood there on our wedding day pretending to be somebody he wasn't, making promises he had no idea how or why to keep.

I will not celebrate it. If he wants to get a gift he can buy it himself. If he wants to celebrate something about our relationship then at some point in time we will define our relationship and celebrate what it is now. A commitment to be good parents, a commitment to be here today or for the next half hour or whatever. But the vows we took 10 years ago mean nothing. And there is no reason to celebrate that.

I hope you are able to find a way to make that day at least tolerable for you. Take care of yourself.

dontstop posted 7/23/2013 20:44 PM

Thank you all for your thoughts. (I really liked that quote canteat.)

My plan is to have dinner with him. My plan is to stay. He has not blamed anything on me, even from the beginning. Everyone's situation is different I'm sure. I can see that he is trying because he calls me to have lunch every day. He comes home with flowers and my favorite food. He sends me love songs that express how sorry he is or about hope and love. He buys me things and cooks for me. He's cancelled other events to do nothing with me. He placed matching bumper stickers on our vehicles. He tells me that he feels good inside if I've slept the whole night cause I've had sleepless nights...Honestly, the best thing for my heart has been his tight, unrequested hugs. He says sorry a lot and asks me if I'm okay, out of the blue often...as if he can see plainly on my face that I was thinking about the affair. Obviously there's more details, but I know he is truly remorseful. I guess I just have to take a leap of faith.

Nest2007 posted 7/23/2013 22:18 PM

Our anniversary was two weeks after DDay. It's a rollercoaster dontstop, no doubt about it. Like you I had no idea how to approach it, and even now I'm in a turmoil. Your posts could be mine - I'm not giving up on our marriage, and WH is doing everything right, but there's this dull, ever present pain that this is now part of our narrative, that his brokenness has inflicted pain I never thought possible upon me and that as much as I wish it, it won't just go away.

There are good days and bad, so depending on what type of day you're having will determine how you cope. Perhaps viewing the anniversary as a new start could help? On ours I was in a good space, and really enjoyed the day.

Hugs to you, and hope you feel at peace leading up to and in the day itself - that alone could be a big part of healing for the two of you in R.