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self realization=disgust

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Alyssamd24 posted 7/23/2013 18:22 PM

On November 3,2007 I married my best friend. In front of our family and friends, I vowed to love, honor, and respect him for the rest of my life.

In September of this year I shattered that vow and our life together.

Tonight in IC we discussed the reasons that led me to having a A. None of which are that earth shattering or uncommon in marriages. It all boils down to my unhappiness and loneliness...that I didn't feel loved or special. That I used my AP to make me feel special and wanted and sexy...and to validate me.

Who the hell have I turned into? None of my reasons for being unhappy justify me throwing it all away and breaking my best friend.

The self realization that I was "unhappy" is what I don't understand....well I don't understand any of it actually but I don't know how I didn't realize that I was unhappy....I didn't realize that I had so many issues with my marriage...why couldn't I realize that and talk to my husband rather than fuck every thing up? And when did I become a person who needs others to make me feel special and important?? Where did I lose myself and my self respect?

The disgust and anger I am feeling towards myself right now is overwhelming...I don't understand how I possibly could have made the choices I have.

MissesJai posted 7/23/2013 18:44 PM

I used my AP to make me feel special and wanted and sexy...and to validate me
That's a good start but I challenge you to dig deeper. There is more to this. What you posted is a surface reason. You have a husband who could've done all those things, including validate you. Why wasn't that enough? Why aren't you capable of validating yourself? Why is external validation so important? Explore this further in IC - you're on your way. Good luck!

blakesteele posted 7/23/2013 22:27 PM

BH here, but no stop sign so I desire to respond.

For what it is worth, I kind of get the frustration of how could you miss the whole self realization thing. As I go through my personal journey I have felt similar frustration with the fact that I didn't see the flags...not just the flags of my wifes affair but the flags that my marriage was in serious trouble, that I was doing things that were hurting intimacy.

NOW parts of this seem so obvious it is embarrassing to admit I did not see them for what they were.

No nuggets of wisdom...just a kind word of encouragement that you are moving to a healthier spot.

You might not be where you want to be yet, but thank God you are not where you were before.

God be with us all.

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