On November 3,2007 I married my best friend. In front of our family and friends, I vowed to love, honor, and respect him for the rest of my life.
In September of this year I shattered that vow and our life together.
Tonight in IC we discussed the reasons that led me to having a A. None of which are that earth shattering or uncommon in marriages. It all boils down to my unhappiness and loneliness...that I didn't feel loved or special. That I used my AP to make me feel special and wanted and sexy...and to validate me.
Who the hell have I turned into? None of my reasons for being unhappy justify me throwing it all away and breaking my best friend.
The self realization that I was "unhappy" is what I don't understand....well I don't understand any of it actually but I don't know how I didn't realize that I was unhappy....I didn't realize that I had so many issues with my marriage...why couldn't I realize that and talk to my husband rather than fuck every thing up? And when did I become a person who needs others to make me feel special and important?? Where did I lose myself and my self respect?
The disgust and anger I am feeling towards myself right now is overwhelming...I don't understand how I possibly could have made the choices I have.