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2 days NC...and hating it!

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Faithful w/Love posted 7/23/2013 21:12 PM

This is the hardest thing I have done. First true time I have done it. However, what is making it easier is that wh is also NC me.
We got into another heated fight about the A and my feelings, and he let me know that he doesn't seem to care really in not so many words. He also let me know that he has been back in contact with the slut.
I knew it but couldn't prove it. He said that they just talk and that is it but you know its funny how wh behavior became the same as when in the A. While, if he is going to keep her as a friend he will not have me as anything now. I will not be associated with anyone who is associated with a pos like her.
That was my dealbreaker for everything. No I will not be nice and his friend. Nope, I mean if he has no respect for me as the mother of his kids and yes still his wife and wants to be friends eventually then he would have known never to be in contact with someone who help break him as a man and a husband.
I hope he is happy now with his choice. They are two broken people and if that is the company he wants to keep then that is a reflection on him.
What a asshole.
So I need help not to text and cuss his ass out because I want to but I am here instead.

hangingontohope7 posted 7/23/2013 21:28 PM

Post here. Its so much better than contacting him. NC = No new hurts. I am learning that for myself. I was doing well with no contact until WH dropped the kids on Saturday after their evening visit. We had it out in the street. He has no remorse what so ever. He thinks I'm overreacting that he moved OW into our home. That's when I had enough. So, I'm back on the NC wagon. And, for today at least, it feels good. It gives me a sense of control in this messed up situation.

You're right, they are broken. And you have to protect yourself. Put your phone down, hide in a desk drawer. Don't text him. It will only hurt you.

Sending you strength!!

Faithful w/Love posted 7/23/2013 21:42 PM

Thank you.
I can not believe your wh? Why do they do that type of shit and we are suppose to be okay with it?
But, I've been thinking... It is really sad that a person can go from one relationship to another just like that. I mean only needy people do that. RIGHT?
The one thing is that at least most of us BS don't do that. We try to get help for our screw up hearts and minds from what they have done. I mean to me it is sick but yes I will admit it is the rejection that hurts me the most and makes me so frustrated about this whole thing like I am the one that screwed us up and had the A.
He has put me through hell for so many years and I stood by him and well, I guess he will find out one day that he had it all with me. This is not my doing and I will not take the blame for his fucked up thinking or ways.

missmydogs posted 7/23/2013 22:00 PM

Faithful, this is a terrible cycle. It needs to end. You should focus more on you. NC is a gift to you. Not a punishment for him. Yes it's heartbreaking and sad. But it gets easier. It gives you perspective. It helps you let go.

He has made it clear he does not respect your wishes. He didn't act honorably when you were married, so why would he now?

I have found that once I shut off my X, I had a lot of free time on my hands. I discovered me again.

Then my view of him changed. I saw him more of a cartoon character. Now when I have to deal with him all I see is Wile E Coyote.

I urge you to focus on your life. Your hopes and dreams beyond him. Staying NC helps.

[This message edited by missmydogs at 10:01 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]

Faithful w/Love posted 7/23/2013 22:19 PM

I agree 100% with you. This is not punishment to him, it is protecting myself sense he is now talking to OW again, that was a deal breaker for me.
I am just venting here so that I don't contact him and tell him what I think of him.
If I can't do it here then where?
I am very proud of myself for starting the NC. It has been a hellish journey for me as others here know. I need to vent here or I will sit here and replay everything.
I do focus on myself and yes, I am sorry that being rejected over and over again was my fault. I said in another post I am very angry with what I put up with in order to save my marriage and not myself.

Letting go comes easier for others sometimes. And I think if you were in what I was it makes it harder when you become conditioned.
I will not get into all that I have been through but I would never wish it on anyone else.

It is not all his fault alot is my own doing for staying.

But, my biggest step was moving out last year. That was one of the bravest things I did and the scariest.

Learning to focus on me is hard because I always am taking care of others but slooooooowly I am making my progress it is just a turtle progress. I mean turtle.

missmydogs posted 7/23/2013 22:32 PM

Protecting yourself is a fantastic step forward. It sounds like an abusive situation. He sounds like horror of a human being. Sometimes you can't be friends. Sometimes some people are so dangerous to our heart and soul you have to keep them away indefinitely.

I wish you strength. You'll see, once it stops being about what they're doing. You start to treat yourself better. I've been where you are. It's very difficult. But it is so very worth it in the other side. Hugs.

Faithful w/Love posted 7/24/2013 07:47 AM

Thank you!
This is hard but I am doing it and so proud of myself and yes, one day I will be on the other side.
It is scary and heart wrenching but it has to be done. I have tried over and over and over again. Damn that pisses me off.
Some of us it takes along time to see what is actually happening.

Day 3 of NC... I can do this!

laney57 posted 7/24/2013 08:55 AM

Keep posting! You're doing great... It takes so much time (atleast for me). When I want to reach out, I read SI. The people here truly give me strength.
One thing I'm still figuring out is what I enjoy. For too long I have built my world around this family and especially my WH. I guess that's the lesson learned, but that's me and I got sucker punched.
Hugs and strength!

Faithful w/Love posted 7/24/2013 09:43 AM

Ohhh hun, I feel the same way. Sucker punched isn't even close to what I am feeling.
I built my life around the family and wh and his family. We were all so close so this is going to be very hard at holidays but I can do it! I have to.
It sucks ass! I will tell you that.

laney57 posted 7/24/2013 10:03 AM

I hear you loud and clear. You are on your way! Hugs

heartbroken_kk posted 7/24/2013 10:31 AM

keep posting! We are here for you. Feel free to vent and post any of your thoughts.

One thing I learned is that I could not stop certain thoughts from just showing up inside my head. I'd think of the good times and start sobbing, think of the bad times and get enraged.

What I could do was develop some behaviors to help me cope with those thoughts that triggered the worst emotional meltdowns.

One thing I did was work on developing a couple of "go to" alternate thoughts. Sorta like when stopping smoking, people eat carrots to put something else in their mouth

I would realize I was ruminating and I would go "Oh, dammit there I go again" and think about one of my "go to" thoughts. Like making salad. Work through the ingredients in my head. A salad with 10 ingredients, for example.

I also had the remote park bench to think about. I would mentally get myself to the park, thinking about the turns I had to make while driving and the landmarks on the way, then visualize myself on the trail to the bench, then sitting on the bench and looking out at the view and working out what I was looking at from that vantage point.

You get my drift. You want something that can occupy your mind for a couple minutes. It helps break your fixation on him. Practice this!

NC is for you. It's like a solid 8' high fence with a lock on the gate. It keeps him away from you and out of your mental "yard". Inside your fenced yard you are safe and free to be you and do things for you and not be watched by him. He can't tell what you are doing and so you have your privacy.

The beauty of your privacy is that you can hate him with all your might, but withhold that information from him. He doesn't get to learn about how much emotion he can trigger in you. That's private, personal information. Don't let him in any more. He had you, once upon a time, and now he doesn't. It's not his business anymore how you feel or what you think. That is for YOU ONLY.

What sort of things are you able to do for you that help you stabilize your feelings? Do you have a hobby or something that you can focus on?

sending hugs. This is a hard time but once you get through the first week or so it gets much, much easier! Stay strong and keep posting!

(((((Faithful w/Love)))))

realitybites posted 7/24/2013 12:38 PM

Yep...I agree with others. You did good.

Now tell us how you are implementing your NC? What are you putting in place to help you get thru each day?

One thing that I did was put my WS in my cell phone on "silent". So when or if he called or text I did not automatically look at it and go really helped.

Each day is for you. It took about a month I would say and then I really started to enjoy my space.

Faithful w/Love posted 7/24/2013 12:47 PM

heartbroken kk,
That was so beautiful. Thank you and I will work on that. I love the way you did the park bench.

I am very sad, very DISAPPIONTED in everything right at this moment.

I cook and can to take my mind off of it. I make myself busy in my apartment. I have started working out again. I watch movies and read. I come here also. I talk to my best girlfriend who use to be on SI. I vent to God. I try to keep myself occuppied. Sometimes I have trouble but I really don't cry.
Today I did, I was at mom's for lunch and I started cry, today is my stepdad's bday who passed in Feb. I wish I could talk to him and get that big manly bear hug.
Life is unfair and I understand only I can take myself out of this game. It takes two player to play and now I have taken myself out.

The hopes that wh would change is gone and I just have to get use to that. I know you all know how I feel.

I don't want 2x4's for venting here because even if I say I still love him and wish things were different I would not tell him that. That is why I feel safe here. To say the things that I feel instead of saying them to him. I have to get all of the years that I was in hell out to begin a new life for myself. If I bottle it up and hold it in I will go nuts.

Just help me and remind me why I am here and give me the strength to get through this. 180 is a bitch but I know it is for my own health.

Faithful w/Love posted 7/24/2013 12:53 PM

I only text about our kids and grandkids.
I only text about finacials.
other than that I don't communicate. And I guess it is making it easier for me because he doesn't either, meaning I don't have feeling of engaging something shitty to him.
I am going to think about putting him on silent. That is a good idea.

I don't want to talk, see or communicate at all with him. He crossed a line that I set. He was not to have any communication with xOW. Nothing. Well, this is not to punish him this is my line in the sand. He didn't respect me or my feeling enough to do that simple little thing.


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