You're going to say NC. I know. I'm trying. I don't reach out but I find it hard to avoid him at all times and then we end up engaging.
Case in point: this weekend. My kids are tiny so they don't go for overnights with him. He comes here and I leave. Except...I live here so I kind of have to come back to shower, etc., before I leave again. Some fireworks eventually ensue usually, although I try desperately to keep it from the kids.
What I really want to know is WHY fireworks ensue. This weekend, he was texting his new OW, who is unemployed, rather short and large, and is a Grateful Dead follower. Oh, and she lives in Denver. I'm sure this will last. Anyway, I guess he felt guilty? No idea. But he somehow ended up telling me the following:
- He was unhappy from the beginning but just deluded himself into thinking things would get better. (Well, I wouldn't marry him for a total of 5 years and then we had not one but two kids together so...really?)
- I have a drinking problem. Um, ok, put down the straight bourbon, buddy.
- I have an anger management problem. Uh, I'm not the one yelling here.
- If he treated me the way I treated him, he'd be in jail (WTF? Did I forget that I randomly stabbed him or something?)
- I'm a bad mom, I'm going to use the kids against him, etc. OK - I live my life for those kids and have NEVER prevented him from seeing them or talking to them in any way. In fact, I probably shouldn't have bothered but I have repeatedly encouraged him to call and see them MORE.
- I should just take the high road (um, what do you think I've done for the past year and a half?)
I mean, I am in no way perfect whatsoever but I really feel like I've tried. What a giant mind-fuck.
So he leaves in a huff and not an hour later sends a text telling me how amazing I am, how I'm the best mom ever, and how he should never say otherwise. He's so sorry, blah blah blah. The next day, he sends an email and a voicemail with essentially the same apologetic language. Today, he sends another voicemail saying how sorry he is and how he really hopes I'll talk to him tomorrow if I don't call him back today.
What is he DOING? He was the one who cheated, left, and didn't want to reconcile. So why not just leave me alone then? It's just craziness...particularly that it's gone on this long.
He's going to come over to see the kids this weekend again so what do I do other than make myself as scarce as possible? (Oh, and the divorce is going forward and I told my attorney to expedite but...it doesn't seem to stop the emotional/verbal abuse. I just don't understand the point of it all now. I get that he can't take any responsibility for his own actions but...still? Why doesn't he just follow through and really walk away?)