Case in point: this weekend. My kids are tiny so they don't go for overnights with him. He comes here and I leave. Except...I live here so I kind of have to come back to shower, etc., before I leave again. Some fireworks eventually ensue usually, although I try desperately to keep it from the kids.
What I really want to know is WHY fireworks ensue. This weekend, he was texting his new OW, who is unemployed, rather short and large, and is a Grateful Dead follower. Oh, and she lives in Denver. I'm sure this will last. Anyway, I guess he felt guilty? No idea. But he somehow ended up telling me the following:
- He was unhappy from the beginning but just deluded himself into thinking things would get better. (Well, I wouldn't marry him for a total of 5 years and then we had not one but two kids together so...really?)
- I have a drinking problem. Um, ok, put down the straight bourbon, buddy.
- I have an anger management problem. Uh, I'm not the one yelling here.
- If he treated me the way I treated him, he'd be in jail (WTF? Did I forget that I randomly stabbed him or something?)
- I'm a bad mom, I'm going to use the kids against him, etc. OK - I live my life for those kids and have NEVER prevented him from seeing them or talking to them in any way. In fact, I probably shouldn't have bothered but I have repeatedly encouraged him to call and see them MORE.
- I should just take the high road (um, what do you think I've done for the past year and a half?)
I mean, I am in no way perfect whatsoever but I really feel like I've tried. What a giant mind-fuck.
So he leaves in a huff and not an hour later sends a text telling me how amazing I am, how I'm the best mom ever, and how he should never say otherwise. He's so sorry, blah blah blah. The next day, he sends an email and a voicemail with essentially the same apologetic language. Today, he sends another voicemail saying how sorry he is and how he really hopes I'll talk to him tomorrow if I don't call him back today.
What is he DOING? He was the one who cheated, left, and didn't want to reconcile. So why not just leave me alone then? It's just craziness...particularly that it's gone on this long.
He's going to come over to see the kids this weekend again so what do I do other than make myself as scarce as possible? (Oh, and the divorce is going forward and I told my attorney to expedite but...it doesn't seem to stop the emotional/verbal abuse. I just don't understand the point of it all now. I get that he can't take any responsibility for his own actions but...still? Why doesn't he just follow through and really walk away?)
#2. If he's sitting there drinking bourbon during his visitation? One, I assume it's yours, because what the heck, does he bring a bottle with him? Move your liquor. Inform him there will be no drinking during his visitation.
#3. Tell him he cannot text his bimbo while in your house, while he's suppose to be visiting with the kids.
#4. Get your stock answers going, and do. not. deviate.
He starts telling you about his life? Walk away. No answer necessary.
He starts telling you what you do wrong? That is no longer your concern.
He starts saying you are going to use the kids against him? Enjoy your visitation. And walk away.
I know NC is hard, especially when you have young ones, but the less you engage him, the better. Have your pat answers, that's it. Do not answer his stupid texts. If it isn't about the kids, he doesn't get an answer.
Really? The less you engage, the better you will feel. Really. I promise.
WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.
No more drinking alcohol when he has the kids. No more.
I have arranged it so that all handovers are via daycare/school so I don't have to see him. I only see him if absolutely unavoidable. It helped me get those last grubby tentacles off.
It stops when you say it stops. He can and will goad you all he likes - it is up to you as to whether you take the bait or make him invisible.
Make him invisible. What he thinks doesn't matter - stop making him think that it matters.
Before I got the hang of strict NC I often said to the sad clown "What you think of me matters less to me than you might imagine". It was as true then as it is now.
Where there's a will there's a way. Right now you are keeping yourself on the crazy train waiting for him to get off before you do. Not.Gonna.Happen.
No more potatoes in the house. None.
Sometimes when you have kids, it's inevitable that you'll have to interact with your ex, unless you have the good fortunate that they pay their support but otherwise disappear. Stock answers, like those described in the 180, will help a lot.
Or look for a thread in this forum call NC Code or something like that - "I'm sorry you feel that way" translates to "fuck you" for everyone.
My children are 3.5 years and 15 months old. I drop them off to childcare on a Friday motning
Plus, I do believe it wasn't good for my children. Now both of us can focus our attention 100% when we are with our children.
If your children cannot stay with their father then he needs to find somewhere else that they can see him and not on your turf.
I echo what the others have said, he needs to wake up to what he has done and stop thinking about himself.
Sending strength to you.
Get your stock answers going, and do. not. deviate.
"My! What an interesting opinion! Thank you for sharing."
That's the stock phrase when the topic doesn't have anything to do with kid's schedules and money.
And yes, what everyone else said about him visiting children at the house. They may be little but they can still feel tension. It isn't good for anyone to have him invade your safe place. And if he doesn't have a home to take the kids to? A hotel he can afford? Then he shouldn't be getting the children for longer than it takes to go get ice cream or a walk in the park.
[This message edited by cayc at 7:38 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)]