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BrokenStag posted 7/23/2013 22:41 PM

This is sort of a unique situation. I'm a gay man who fell in love with a guy who says he's not gay (I didn't know he wasn't when I met him). We've talked for several months now. At some point he started doing dirty webcam shows. I only found out about it after he'd been doing this for an entire month. This left such profound scars inside me that I actually thought of resorting to drugs to get rid of the pain. Still am, honestly. I don't think he's even aware of how badly it hurt me. I know this pain won't diminish for at least months and I wish there was some way to speed up the process. I really will resort to drugs if I have to. But this pain has to go. I'm seriously thinking of telling him how badly it hurt me. But I think he'd kill himself, which part of myself actually would love to see happen right now. How can I force this horrible pain out of me? I don't want these scars to last for years or possibly forever, like I know they will if I just let nature take it's course. I want this gone. Please help?

painpaingoaway posted 7/23/2013 23:01 PM

Welcome Broken, you have found a wonderful forum full of wonderful supportive people. Sexual orientation is not an issue here at all. Betrayal in a relationship is all the same regardless of orientation.

However, I think we need some more info in order to understand what is going on here.

What do you mean by 'dirty web-cam shows'? Was this something he was doing as an occupation online to make money? Or was this with the intent to find other partners on some hookup site? Was he hooking up IRL with men or women? Do you believe he may be a sex addict that is just hooking up with whomever is available?

Please please please do NOT turn to drugs or alcohol. That will only complicate things further. Do you have an IC or close friend you can lean on for support right now? Please seek out an AA or NA meeting if you think you might succumb to using.

[This message edited by painpaingoaway at 11:02 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]

BrokenStag posted 7/23/2013 23:08 PM

He's pretty screwed up in the head. He had been showing his penis all over the internet when I met him. For some reason I just overlooked that. I think it was because of his obvious mental problems. They just made me want to take care of him rather than avoid him. I know, I'm probably completely retarded for that. But it just kept progressing from there to full masturbation on cam on various sites. Not even for cash, just for the attention. And he says he's a virgin. Frankly, I hope he NEVER has sex, because he'll become a complete slut if he ever does, I'm sure. What's an IC? And I'm not trying to avoid drugs. I'm thinking about using them. Which is really going quite far for me, since I've always been opposed to even drinking alcohol. But the way this feels, I've already put up with enough and I'm done with this crap. And I'm talking to one friend who really helps, but every so often the thought of what he did comes back and I feel like pure burning hell inside. Happens several times a day. There has to be some technique to get rid of this or manage it or forget it or something, isn't there?

hardtotake posted 7/23/2013 23:17 PM

Drugs or alcohol only compounds your pain and creates new issues. You can take care of yourself and get support by reaching out to friends and family. Exercise gives you a natural high. Focus on things you enjoy. Why follow a guy with issues down the same rabbit hole?

hardtotake posted 7/23/2013 23:18 PM

Almost forgot... Journaling can be a very helpful outlet.

painpaingoaway posted 7/23/2013 23:24 PM

What exactly is his diagnosis? My 23 ur old son is bipolar, a drug addict, bisexual, and most likely a sex addict also. So I'm pretty familiar with the acting out that goes along with bipolar disorder.

They just made me want to take care of him rather than avoid him.
yep, not a good basis for a relationship.

So was this relationship you have had with him online only, or have you too been together IRL?

IC is the abbreviation we use for an individual counselor.

Rather than turning to illegal drugs, why not see your doctor and ask for a mild tranquilizer just enough t help take the edge off for right now.

Nest2007 posted 7/24/2013 00:18 AM

Brokenstag I've been prescribed a mild antidepressant/anti anxiety drug and it has really helped me as I process my world post DDay. The pain dulls with time - I can see the difference even six weeks out from DDay. Don't self medicate, no person nor their actions are worth you destroying your own life and worth. Big hugs to you.

Dare2Trust posted 7/24/2013 00:37 AM

Broken Stag,

If this statement is true:

I'm a gay man who fell in love with a guy who says he's not gay

Then, please stop wasting your precious time on a guy who has absolutely NOTHING to offer you!

You deserve a partner who can offer you honest, caring love --- Please dump this man, and stay far, far away from him.
He's only bringing you pain, sadness -- and his behaviors are way, way off the charts of healthy, normal sexual boundaries.

BrokenStag posted 7/24/2013 22:01 PM

I literally have nothing to live for but him. If I did I would have dropped him by now. He is truly an abomination. An avatar of chaos. I can't just let him go. I'm trapped in hell either way. Staying by his side feels slightly less hellish though. I know he'll probably never get better. And we may yet drag each other down into death. I'm not sure that's such a bad thing at this point, honestly.

hardtotake posted 7/24/2013 22:23 PM

I'm having a hard time processing your last post. I think you should seek counseling and your doctor for antidepressant medication.

Bobbi_sue posted 7/25/2013 06:29 AM

I am having a very hard time following this. Did he cheat on you or not? How could he be a virgin, say he is not gay, and still be cheating on you? I am having serious difficulty following this. If he never was your boyfriend, and in any sort of committed relationship with you, but you wish he was, well that is not really the same as cheating. Maybe I just don't understand.

This may feel like a 2x4, but you are saying he is very messed up in the head, and might kill himself if you abandon him. It sounds like you are both equally messed up in the head. You can't save him but you could save yourself by getting some real help (and I don't mean drugs or alcohol).

[This message edited by Bobbi_sue at 6:31 AM, July 25th (Thursday)]

confused615 posted 7/25/2013 06:36 AM

If he is with you..why does he say he's not gay? Why do you think he is? Has he not "come out" yet?

Welcome. You belong here.

BrokenStag posted 7/25/2013 07:17 AM

It was a complicated relationship. Basically, I was in love with him and he wasn't with me, but we got pretty close anyway. It's just that because of how I felt about him what he did hurt me immensely. Even if he said he loved me and wanted to be with me tomorrow I'd have to say no. He just disgusts and disappoints me now. And my life is pretty crappy aside from this. It's not really that difficult to understand.

Also, I cut contact with him last night.

[This message edited by BrokenStag at 7:23 AM, July 25th (Thursday)]

MovingUpward posted 7/25/2013 07:32 AM

And my life is pretty crappy aside from this. It's not really that difficult to understand.

Since you've cut contact and the fact that you find your life is pretty crappy now, I think that you should try to find a IC (individual counselor) that can help you explore the other issues in life and help you find a path to happiness.

BrokenStag posted 7/25/2013 08:01 AM

I just called my counseling office today and scheduled with a therapist. But god, the way I feel inside. It feels like poison eating away at me. I really feel like it will kill me at times. How do I make this go away??

[This message edited by BrokenStag at 8:04 AM, July 25th (Thursday)]

TrustGone posted 7/25/2013 08:14 AM

Unfortunately the only thing that will make the pain go away is time and no contact with this man. He sounds like a real mess and you are better off not to get involved in this type of relationship. I am not speaking of a gay relationship, but a relatinship with a person that is not sure what they want in life and that is acting out in this way. his type person will only bring you down and it appears from your posts you don't need that in your life right now. First you have to love and respect yourself before you can truely love and respect someone else. Good luck and I hope the councelor can help you find your way to a happier you. (((HUGS)))

MovingUpward posted 7/25/2013 08:20 AM

I'm glad that you've already called and made an appointment with a therapist. From the sounds of it there is more to your pain than just infidelity and what seems to be unrequited love, so trying to tell you how soon your hurt will go away is impossible. The therapist will be the best judge. Do know that you can heal and that life can get better. You will have to do some work to fully heal and I think the therapist will be able to really guide you. Remember to be totally honest with the therapist. It also helps if you know what your goal is for the therapy.

Holly-Isis posted 7/25/2013 08:40 AM

While time helps the edge of the pain go away, dealing with your issues is the absolute best way.

A good IC will help you figure out why you picked a man who was showing his penis everywhere as an appropriate partner. Why you made someone so damaged your entire life...and what you can do to change those types of choices in the future.

EvenKeel posted 7/25/2013 10:50 AM

You deserve someone who wants to be with you and loves you.

Despite him saying he was not gay, did you continue to let yourself get closer to him because you felt a friendship with him was better than nothing at all?

This guy has both told and showed you what he is. Believe him. It is not in your power to fix him. Please stop trying - it will make you crazy.

I am so glad you made the IC appointment. Please continue to work on getting yourself through this. Get yourself well my friend so you can have a happy and healthy relationship with someone who loves you.

1Faith posted 7/25/2013 10:56 AM

My message is just about time and actions. Such a traumatic event in your life leaves big wounds. The wounds require lots of care and time to heal.

It sounds like you are doing all the right things, trying to take good care of you and getting into IC is key.


I'm not sure how long it has been since your DDay.

Questioning your friend's motives are normal. Just be prepared that you may never get an answer or truly understand.

Time will answer your questions. If your friend is truly remorseful and sincere in his desire to save your relationship, then time will tell. Words don't matter. It's all about actions. If he is not willing to change, then you have your answer.

It is also totally normal to ask WHY he did this. I obsessed over that and it almost killed me.

The actions of the WP isn't about another person. It's about them.

He is looking for an ego boost from anyone available.

As time passes you'll be able to feel more confident in your emotions regarding your friend's hurtful actions.

You are not stupid in anyway just because you don't trust your friend's intentions. He threw all the trust you had in him away. He has to work to earn a little back if that is possible. And he does that through actions.

This is a very good place to be when you are trying to find your way back.

Lots of people here have survived and thrived after infidelity and betrayal. Ask anything. Write often. This forum saved me. It'll help you, too.

Please reconsider the drugs/alcohol route.

I speak from first hand experience. I tried for 2 years to drown my pain in a daily bottle of Chardonnay. It only made my pain more intense and clouded any attempt at logical thinking.

My reconciliation was sidelined many times because of my poor choices in dealing with my pain and suffering.

I wish you well. Keep moving and know that tomorrow holds promises that are yet unknown.

(((hugs)))

[This message edited by 1Faith at 10:58 AM, July 25th (Thursday)]

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