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When is the truth the truth?

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kickboxer posted 7/23/2013 23:49 PM

At first it was just a few phone calls for a couple months, then it was lots of calls for 7 months...then he said he didn't tell her he loved her, now he admits he did...then there hadn't been anyone else, now there have been an unknown number of others...then he promises there has never been a PA, now there's been 2 "one time things" -- the first dating back to the earliest years of our marriage, and the second less than a year ago.

When is the truth the truth...and if he says he wants our marriage, do I believe that too?

Edited for follow up question...reading the posts here, I see SO MANY with more than one DD. Is there even hope? If he's been unfaithful for our entire marriage, is the rest inevitable?

[This message edited by kickboxer at 11:56 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]

Dare2Trust posted 7/24/2013 00:18 AM


WOW -- I'm just so sorry.

An unknown number of others??? Goodness.

I'm not really sure when you will know when you have ALL THE just keeps coming and coming.

Was the 2nd PA less than a year ago a long-term-affair? IF so: How long did the affair last, and when did it end?

I'm just so sorry.

kickboxer posted 7/24/2013 00:31 AM

The most current PA was a ONS he found through a website. Basically he went looking for a ONS, found one that could fit into his schedule, lied to me about having an early ball game, went to her apartment to do the deed, then went onto his regular game time, and came home as usual. Who the hell knows how many of these he actually participated in. He says she was the only one -- the other was a ONS he picked up in a bar many years ago. In the meantime, he's been spreading himself around to other women via phone calls, FB, texts, websites...

I can't breath.

I'm dying.

I just know this is what dying a painful death must feel like.

m334455 posted 7/24/2013 01:14 AM

My guess is that you're CLOSER to the "real truth" but probably don't have it yet.

His behavior sounds compulsive to me. I would guess he DOES want the marriage, but what you need to do now is think about what you want. And get tested for STD's.

If you want to try to save the marriage, he's going to need some serious counseling. 13 years of bad behavior isn't going to disappear overnight.

Take a few deep breaths, a bubble bath, get some rest and make some space from him. Drink plenty of water and try to eat. Take it one minute at a time.

kickboxer posted 7/24/2013 08:45 AM

I'm so lost.

And sad.

And shocked.

sadtoo posted 7/24/2013 11:33 AM

I don't know if there is really any way to know the absolute whole truth when dealing with a pathalogical liar and a serial cheater.

It's almost like you are dealing with two (or three) different people. Serial cheaters who are able to be married and compartmentalize their cheating are a tough nut to crack.

He is going to SAY what ever he thinks you want to hear. But the reality is, you have NO IDEA what (or who) he is really doing behind the scenes.

If you were dealing with a WS who was being completely open, transparent, and remorseful, that would be one thing. But this appears to be a WS who only admits to what you know. And he only offers "trickle-truth" when he is confessing. This is not remorse.

You are dealing with multiple OP's and now multiple d-days. Why are you so desperate to work this out, when he has been the big screw up in the marriage?

My advice to you would be to take a giant step back. You need to regroup and realize that you can't "wish" this marriage to be better. He needs to take the lead. My bet is if you take a step back in the "fixing" he will drop the ball a resume he regular behavior. His ACTIONS after you step back will tell you your next move.

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