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Newest Member: HellYeaimdone (45730)

User Topic: Defending your X
spareparts
♂ 33434
Member # 33434
Default  Posted: 5:37 AM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is probably a wierd question, which may be why i'm stuggling with it.

I was away on the weekend, and met up with some close friends and family, we did not really discuss my ex in any way as most people know I don't really want to discuss that. Sometimes with close friends it is more about how she hurt me and my reaction and how I am doing these days but thats about it.

However in conversation regarding something else my brother called my X a slapper, my brother is known for his loud vocal opinion on things and I usually ignore him. He did then go on to tell me how terrible our Mother and Father was and I continued to ignore his comments.

Upon seeing my X after exchanging the children she commented "oh and I bet everyone was slagging me off and calling me names whilst you were down there?". So I said "nope we didn't discuss you at all, my brother called you a slapper though but you know what he is like".

Well aparently I should've defended her?

So i'm in 2 minds now, on the one hand, yes my X behaved like a slapper, she cheated on me, slept with another man whilst married. That man was also in a long term relationship, she left me for him, met him for sex outside, in cars etc. She may not be doing that now, but at the time she probably fit the definition. On the other hand what she is saying is that as the mother of my children I should have defended her... As she defends me to all of her friends.

Now quite frankly I don't really care what her friends say or think about me. I'm also not really sure there is anything to defend (She deems the fact that I moved on and had another woman over to the house after seperating/divorcing whilst she was living with another man a terrible act on my part). So as I say couldn't care what people think as I know the truth.

I also don't think it is my job to defend her any more? Now I get that we are fairly cordial and friendly over the exchange of the kids etc, but I'm not her husband or boyfriend any more. Also I generally find that arguing or attempting to defend someone like that against someone like my brother is more likely to make him continue that line of thinking, whereas ignoring it just tends to let things fizzle out.

I'm more wondering why it bothers her so much what my brother thinks, and if I should've been defending her? I wonder if it bothers her because she feels that in some way it may be true and that is why it bothers her so much? Wheras like I say it does not bother me if her friends think I was the worst husband in the world or am terrible for trying to move on with my life, because I know i'm not?

Sorry probably rambling, but I figure my X still knows how to make me feel guilty for doing or not doing something and I still have to question my own sanity.


Posts: 515 | Registered: Sep 2011
Amazonia
♀ 32810
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 5:47 AM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not your job! You got fired from that job!

I could see maybe asking someone not to disparage her in front of your kids, but even then it wouldn't be your responsibility to correct them IMO.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13870 | Registered: Jul 2011
SBB
♀ 35229
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 5:49 AM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your first problem is talking to her.

Your second problem is taking the bait in her pity party.

Your third problem is sharing anything at all with her.

Honestly, what reaction did you expect? Most people would have a negative reaction to someone smack talking them. Whether it is true or not.

No - you don't need to defend her. I won't let my friends/family rubbish him in front of my girls - I'm protecting them, not him. I tend to not discuss him much at all these days.

Why on earth would you think you would have to defend the X? If you don't share his opinion it is up to you as to whether or not you want to share your opinion with him. If you agree with him then there is no difference of opinion so no discussion needed.

She doesn't get any special privileges because she happens to be your X wife and the mother to your children. Your children deserve to not have to hear this stuff. That's it.

Love, honour, defend - those are all things we do for our SO's or spouses. Usually because we disagree with any smack talk about them, sometimes because we agree but can't face it.

WTF-ever. Short answer. No. Hell No. Hell NO you are not obligated to do anything for her.

What a piece of work. How did she defend you when she was fucking OM(s)? How did she defend you when she was disrespecting you and your M so savagely? When she was being so unimaginably cruel to you. Please - tell me how?

She cannot have her cake and eat it too. Fuck.That.Bitch.

[This message edited by StrongButBroken at 5:50 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)]


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5657 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
spareparts
♂ 33434
Member # 33434
Default  Posted: 6:06 AM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The kids weren't there when any comments were made by my brother, and technically his comment though badly phrased was also in the X's defence..

Honestly, what reaction did you expect?

None really. I mean what did she expect my family and friends to think of her? She is a shining bastion of virtue who accidentally fell into bed with another man and was helpless to resist so moved out to be with him?

I did not engage with my response as I did have plenty to say along the lines of

How did she defend you when she was fucking OM(s)? How did she defend you when she was disrespecting you and your M so savagely? When she was being so unimaginably cruel to you. Please - tell me how?
but figured that would feed anything and cause more debate.

It was more the feeling that maybe I should've defended her, and I was having real trouble with why? I guess my thoughts are that if someone is saying something that they believe to be true, but isn't so what? That person and anyone who believes that are a fool as I know the truth. (Obvious situations where saying something untrue can get someone in trouble excluded). It just really doesn't bother me what her friends/family or whatever think or say about me, I know what happened and what I went through I was there. I know exactly what she did to me and how she behaved, anyone who thinks differently can take a running jump for all I care.

Though I guess if she didn't want people to think badly of her because she had an affair, perhaps she shouldn't have had an affair in the first place.


Posts: 515 | Registered: Sep 2011
SBB
♀ 35229
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 6:47 AM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Though I guess if she didn't want people to think badly of her because she had an affair, perhaps she shouldn't have had an affair in the first place.

She has no problem with being a POS - not one bit. She does have a problem with her false image being tainted. That is what she is arcing up about here.

She IS a slapper but is more worried about appearances than about true integrity of character.

You should not be speaking to her. You should not have said anything to her. Why share this with her unless you wanted a reaction? What purpose does it serve - are you trying to wake her up or snap her out of it?

Aint gonna happen by way of humiliation. She may never wake up. In time you won't want her to.

I don't understand why you would share this with her almost as much as I don't understand why you would even wonder if you should be defending her.

Are you still in limbo? In your heart, I mean? That's what this sounds like to me. You're trying to hurt her and/or trying to get her to 'see' what damage she has done.

TBH shame and a disconnect between the real 'you' vs the public, PC, people pleaser 'you' is the quickest, most effective path to Wayward-land.

She doesn't get it. She is never going to get it. There's nothing you can do to make her get it.

[This message edited by StrongButBroken at 6:51 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)]


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5657 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
spareparts
♂ 33434
Member # 33434
Default  Posted: 7:07 AM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are you still in limbo? In your heart, I mean?

Yup probably.

I don't understand why you would share this with her almost as much as I don't understand why you would even wonder if you should be defending her

Why would I share? She asks I tell really. I'm not going to lie and say "oh no everything thinks you are wonderful", equally I'm not the type of person that can avoid a direct question. I cannot do vague answers, and rarely manage non-commital. No intention of shaming or trying to make her get it, just honest. "my brother thinks you are a slapper, so what?"

as for why I wonder if I should be defending her, she is the mother of my kids regardless of what she has done. Does that deserve some kind of defence? Probably not, but part of breaking the co-dependant behaviours is at least acknowledging them. As I say I am "conditioned" to respond to ways of being made to feel guilty. The old me would've just said "yes i was wrong I should've stood up for you and defended your honor to the death", whereas the questioning of it, well surely that is a step in the right direction, even if not entirely there yet?


Posts: 515 | Registered: Sep 2011
cayc
♀ 21964
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 7:29 AM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Telling her *exactly* what your brother said was mean spirited. Oh I was just being honest! No you weren't. You were being mean. So just own it. Occasionally being mean to her suits you.

It's true being mean isn't indifference but idk, I've never managed indifference with my xWH yet. I still routinely say ugly things about him and would to his face if I saw him. I still get a visceral flush of hate and disgust when I think of him. If you get there - to indifference - please let me know how b/c it'd be nice. Oh wait. No it wouldn't. I enjoy hating my xWH. Maybe you just enjoy the disparaging remarks a little? Might be something to think about.

If you wanted to let her know that yes, you have family members who still don't like her, well then all you have to say is "yeah, you know my brother, he was running his mouth but I just ignored him". There's your honesty w/o being a jerk about it.

She has a point though. She's the mother of your children. What's going to happen the day they hear their uncle call their mother a whore? That's going to be lovely.


"I'm not afraid of storms, for I'm learning how to sail my ship." - Louisa May Alcott

Posts: 3152 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
SBB
♀ 35229
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 7:31 AM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My apologies. I wasn't aware of the codep.

You're right - it is a step in the right direction. But TBH I also think this whole exchange has triggered/stroked that itch - two steps back.

I still stand by my remarks about not speaking to her at all. No chit chat, no talking about the weather. Nothing.

You're not just breaking the pattern with her, you'll have to break the pattern within yourself. IMO you simply cannot do this whilst still exposing yourself to these things that trigger/scratch that itch.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5657 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Phoenix1
♀ 38928
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess if she didn't want people to think badly of her because she had an affair, perhaps she shouldn't have had an affair in the first place

^^^This^^^

Actions have consequences, and these are the consequences of her choice to have an A. People are going to think bad things about her whether they give voice to those thoughts or not. It is not your job to defend her or cover for her actions. She brought this on herself, and if not your brother it will be someone else saying these things eventually.

Don't sweat it, IMHO.


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 23,18 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 1262 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
Tearsoflove
♀ 8271
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My response would have been "Well, my brother is entitled to his opinion."


"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson


Posts: 4265 | Registered: Sep 2005
7yrsflushed
♂ 32258
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're not just breaking the pattern with her, you'll have to break the pattern within yourself. IMO you simply cannot do this whilst still exposing yourself to these things that trigger/scratch that itch
I agree with this. As a codep myself, I commend you on recognizing your progress but I would say take it a step further and doing what strongbutbroken suggested. Just because you recognize the behavior doesn't mean the door is completely closed and can't be pushed open again. This especially applies to our XWS's who typicaly know how to push those buttons in us without even thinking about it.

Why even respond to her or tell her about the conversation. It's a way for her to pull you back into "The Suck" even if for only a few minutes. What you do with your family no longer concerns her. I get the limbo thing but engaging usually comes back to hurt us especially if it starts the feedback loop again. While not really a big deal look at how that brief conversation with her got you thinking about defending her and put her in your head space where if you had ignored her it may have been a non-issue. Just my 2 cents from my own experience with situations like this.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1923 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
need_hope
♀ 23989
Member # 23989
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You say that you can't do vague or non-committal answers and that you don't like to lie, etc. How about the very blunt and honest -

"My conversations with other people are none of your business."

If she responds with blustering or trying to bait you with some "I bet so-and-so called me names" type of comment, you simply respond "You may think what you like but my conversations with other people are none of your business."

You neither confirm or deny her accusations. You also don't get dragged any further into this type of conversation.


Me - happily single
Him - no longer matters
Married 28 yrs
Filed for D 1/10
DIVORCED 12/12

Tact is for people who aren't witty enough to be sarcastic.


Posts: 1753 | Registered: May 2009 | From: East Coast
Topic Posts: 12

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