We have been doing fairly well and everyone we know is so impressed. If they only knew. I remember asking someone how do you live with the knowledge of an affair. I was told to push it away.
How do you do that? We went camping and he got drunk and had the nerve to tell me. He had no regrets in his life and looked at everything as a learning experience..So much for R. That one sentence has done away with three years hard work. I feel like I am back where I started. Only worse because I feel he stated the truth with some old fashioned truth serum.
So was I the only one working on our M? I read about people who have reconciled and envy them. I thought I was getting there. Now I feel like I've lived another 3 years of lies.
It wasnt for me.
I read about people who have reconciled and envy them.
The secret to happiness is simply having a calm and peaceful mind. If your happiness is dependent on what someone else does or does not do, then you have no control over your own happiness.
Perhaps it's time to start thinking outside the box. Try focusing on your own personal spiritual growth for awhile instead of focusing primarily on the marriage. You can always come back to R.
I recommend the following book to get you started:
The Joy of Living: Unlocking the Secret and Science of Happiness by Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche
Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.
If you want true R, rugsweeping isn't a viable option. It may work short term, but I've yet to see it work long term for both partners.
And living with the knowledge of an A is NOT by pushing it away, it's by dealing with it, talking about it, figuring it all out, and then it's no longer a painful issue in your life. It becomes just a footnote to the entirety of your M. I can talk about my H's infidelity now with anyone without shedding a tear, not because I push the pain away, but because I have processed it and have accepted it happened and it's part of my life and we've moved on and HEALED through it. If you don't talk about it and work on it, then how can you heal from it?
Hardennyheart- I'll get the book and I think it is time for some more IC. My last one moved away and haven't been in almost a year.
By not wanting to punish him or rub his nose in his mistake I have pushed things away I shouldn't have.
This sentence says to me you did yourself a disservice. Part of healing almost must include venting to let your H know he hurt you. If you don't express your feelings, he won't know you have them. But then you wrote:
I think the last time we actually talked about his A, he said it was my fault.
That says to me he's not taking responsibility for his actions, and it's impossible to R with a WS who dodges responsibility. Is he in IC? If he's not, he may simply not be a candidate for R. Have you considered the 180?
I used to advocate a 'no regrets' position. That works fine for things like taking a job or trying a career that doesn't work out, or moving to a location that doesn't work for you, but I'd mistrust anyone who didn't regret cheating.
Are you sure you want this guy?
Very real if you have true remorse, honesty & you understand what you are reconciling for & from what.
(( Dallas ))
It doesn't sound like you have any of those ingredients.
I wanted to R but I think a part of me had knownit isn't real for us and when he made that statement about no regrets in his life. I was floored.
sisoon- To be honest with myself. I am not sure I want to be with him. He keeps showing me his lack of empathy, respect and true caring for me. I'm printing the 180 out now.
The worst thing of course is timing. My Dad is going through his second bout of lung cancer. This time its a different type and this is inoperable. I do not want to cause any upset or stress on my Dad.
Luck - I wish I did. He isn't a bad guy just not what or who I thought he was. I kept hoping. After his remarks Hope is gone.