SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

OldCow18 posted 7/24/2013 08:57 AM

Fabulous right? We are each seeing the same counselor, but individually for now, not ready to sit together in MC yet. She has recommended that we do soemthing for our anniversary. She said that it doesn't need to be a celebration (ha!) but we should take time, have a meal, whatever.

WH scheduled a babysitter and made reservations for dinner Friday night. The issue is that this week I am in a horrendously bad place. I can't even stand the sight of him and don't feel I will ever be able to forgive him for inflicting this agonizing pain on me. I've had a knife in my chest all week. The mind movies are relentless.

The added pain of what this anniversary SHOULD have been certainly doesn't help. Would you still go to dinner if you were me?

hill posted 7/24/2013 10:26 AM

Allow yourself to make this as a last minute decision, depending on your frame of mind closer to the reservations.

Keep the sitter- if you decide not to go to dinner with your husband, then go out with yourself or friends.

If you truly can't stand the sight of him right now and dinner would inevitably be a horrible experience, then don't go.

If you think there's any possibility of R and of re-connection, and you're in an OK frame of mind at the time, then go.

Don't feel pressured to do it just because your therapist told you to, though.

(((hugs)))

[This message edited by hill at 10:27 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)]

1Faith posted 7/24/2013 10:41 AM

Your feelings are completely normal. Maddening but normal. Frustrating but normal.

It is hard to want to celebrate your anniversary when your whole world has been turned upside down. You have lost your equilibrium and your foundation of what is true and real. Again, normal.

It will take a long time to regain any true sense of reality because you have been betrayed so greatly by the one person you thought would never betray you.

Don't rush yourself in landing in one spot. You will feel everything and nothing. You will be 100% committed to making it work and loving your husband again to saying I am 99% out the door and he's such a jackass.

You have to allow yourself to feel everything you feel. You have been dealt a terrible blow. It takes it's toll on the body, mind and soul. Be kind to yourself.

What you're feeling is normal, awful but normal. Sometimes it takes months to begin to process it all.

My recommendation on your anniversary is play it by ear. If you are up for it that day go. And simply say, I am here because I want to try and make our marriage work. We have a lot of work to do but I also know that 10 years and our family are worth fighting for. I hope you feel the same way and are willing to stand by me as I navigate through healing.

Don't fake it, just be real.

Good luck.

NeverAgain2013 posted 7/24/2013 10:47 AM

Would I still go to dinner if I were you?

It depends on what's for dinner. If it's KFC, much as I DO love it, it's not enough of a draw to get me out of the house to sit across from him.

If it's the succulent "Captain's Seafood Dinner" then maybe I could tolerate his sorry ass a little easier.

Can you request separate tables and have your check sent to his when you're done?

Yeah, I can be a bitch that way.

doesitgetbetter posted 7/24/2013 11:30 AM

My DDay was 7 months before my 10th anniversary. I had been soooo looking forward to that anniversary. Before DDay, I had dreams of my 10th being wonderful, hotel getaway, dinner, walking on the beach, all that great stuff. After DDay, not so much.

I told my H after DDay that I didn't want to do anything. As the date got closer, my resolve grew stronger each day. I told him to not even acknowledge the day, it was far too painful and I felt we weren't even married for nearly 10 years since he cheated so long.

The day came, we didn't do anything, no dinner out, no cards exchanged, nothing. It was gloomy and sad for me, just as I was feeling on the inside. At about 6 PM, I told him "I want to at least exchange cards, this just feels wrong" so we both went to the store and spent a bit of time finding a card for each other, went home and wrote in them, then exchanged them after the kids went to bed. The cards were full of pain and remorse from both of us, but they were honest.

This year is our 15th anniversary in just a few weeks. We want to do something wonderful, however we are taking our first family cruise next spring so we would rather spend our money on that then a wonderful anniversary getaway. So, we will get cards for each other, go to a wonderful restaurant for dinner, and maybe get each other the best gifts we can find for under $10 each (it's sort of a game we have).

Do what you feel comfortable with, don't let a counselor or anyone else tell you what you SHOULD do. This is about your journey, your pain, your healing. Do what you feel you should.