SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have been dealing with a fws for a few years. we decided not to tell anyone about his major stupidity. It was supposed to be better for both our sakes.

Guess what? I am so twisted up inside. I have lied to mother by lies of omission. I lie to friends, I even lie to myself. I am finding it hard to look in the mirror. I do not believe in lying and to protect his a**, that'swhat I have done.

I also have a niece who is now living with a MM and it just kills me. I know the devestation she has caused to a family with four liitle kids 10 & under. Iwant to puke everytime I am near her and him.

I really am at a loss as how to cope with this. I can't undo the past I just don't think I can do this anymore.

(((Dallas2)))

I don't know how you'd go about telling people but I do know that I've heard people say things like "Our marriage hasn't been all roses." and similar statements. I always assume infidelity when I hear that.

I also think it would help you to read and post here more regularly. Keeps us from feeling so alone, kwim?

I have been dealing with a WS and infidelity for 19 months now, and for the most part, we have decided not to tell our friends and family. But I also don't lie. And I could also see a situation where I would disclose my experiences of infidelity. I was thinking about it today, and how my development of new real friends has been hampered by infidelity. We moved a few years before d day, and about 2 years before the A started. I have been slow to confide and probably reserved in my friendships because of the infidelity and inherent trauma.

I don't think you need to carry their secret and burden, if you don't want to do so. You need to do what feels authentic and true for you. That may be keeping the M and your struggles private or shouting it for the rooftops, whatever you need to do. Be kind to yourself,

[This message edited by OnAnIsland at 10:33 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)]

Telling or not telling has pros and cons. In my case I told family and friends. I looked at as if I had been living a lie (unknown to me) for too long and I refused to let him continue to live and hide his A. He not only lied to me, but to his friends and family on occasions to hide his A, so I thought they had a right to know that he lied to them also. He needed to see consequences to his actions. He needed to see that the choices he made were very poor choices. Yes, I feel wierd around his family sometimes now. It has also caused some of our friends to no longer respect him the way they did before, so has strained his friendships with them. They know that I never lied to them, even by omission.

I did not tell his sons who are grown and live in another state however. If any of his family have, I do not know about it. I did tell my son when I thought we were divorcing, but now wished I hadn't told him at all. He of course told my XWH#1 and I am sure it has made him gloat somewhat that I wound up with someone no better than he was in that department.

So my suggestion is to tell who you want to tell to ease your own mind. Do not keep it a secret to protect your husband's integrity. However think before about who you do tell.

As far as the niece, I would make sure she knew that what she is doing is wrong in so many ways and then I would avoid her at all costs from then on. She undoubtably has this justified in her own OW mindset, so don't expect her to open her mind and heart to your opinion of what she is doing. (((HUGS)))

My husbands infidelity was 7 years ago. I have not told a soul except counselors we have seen - and all of the dear people on this site.

It is a decision only you can make. Every situation is different. I think my reason is out of loyalty - I am big on believing that 2 wrongs don't make a right. However, that is not to say that it is 'wrong' to tell people. Its just a personal decision.

I will tell you that, while I am still glad I decided not to share this with anyone, it can be harder. You can feel so alone.

That is why I spend time ont his site. People here are so quick to be supportive of YOU - even if they might have chosen a different thing.

I echo what another poster said - read and post here whenever you need to be 'heard'. Someone is always here!

HUGS

I know both ways: keeping it hidden and telling everyone.

With DD#1 March 2012, the day I found out, after seeing a text early that morning, with my WH texting and me a steady stream of denials, justifications, and pleas, I went to my parents after work. I was in such deep shock and bombarded with frantic messages from WH, that I seriously didn't trust myself to read the words correctly. I showed them everything he'd sent to me, told them about picking up his phone that morning, and asked, "What is this?" But I quickly covered it back up and minimized how bad it was, that it was just poor boundaries versus the huge emotional affair(s) it was.

Over the next few months, my slow motion breakdown made people suspicious, but they never would have pinned it on WH - everyone adored him. It almost killed me to carry on the duplicitousness of maintaining "who he was" to everyone outside me versus what was going on between us - rug sweeping, false R, escalating fights, etc. Our older children knew something was up, but it wasn't until the end of that year that our two oldest teen daughters heard enough to clue in.

When DD#2 hit this March, I literally walked to my parents' house with WH following and pleading with me not to tell within 10 minutes of seeing the chats in his email. I said I wasn't going to protect him anymore and didn't, kicking him out that night.

Everyone found out, including our older teen children. It was easier to be open in someways, harder in others: I got the range of responses from sympathy to denial to frustration with me that I was casting his behavior in an unnecessarily bad light.

Now that we're in R and he's back in the house, some people behave how they did prior to knowing, some don't.

What's most important is how you feel. For me, I had to have it out in the open this time. I ended up with stress related health issues from keeping it all hidden and putting on a good face last year.

There isn't a right or wrong answer. You know your situation. You know your marriage. Do what makes YOU happiest.

[This message edited by Reality at 12:44 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)]