SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

4grandbaby posted 7/24/2013 09:32 AM

I have been married for almost 40 years and to find out my husband was having an emotional affair for 6 months has really knocked me for a loop. Then 2 weeks later I found out he had a separate phone just for her. Then I found out he was texting other women (some I knew -some I didn't). The texting stopped after he met her. Therapy is helping alittle. We both are doing individual counseling and couples counseling. He is very remorseful. Doing everything I ask of him. It's been 4 months since I found out and it still seems like yesterday. When and how does it get better?

Violetta posted 7/24/2013 10:02 AM

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I'm still pretty new to this experience myself, but there are lots of folks here who can offer great advice. ***Hug***

Have you read "Not Just Friends"? I found that really helpful for me.

4grandbaby posted 7/24/2013 10:34 AM

Yes I have read Not Just Friends and now my husband is reading it. It was very helpful. I hope it makes him see the pain it has caused me and our relationship. I will never be the same again.The flashbacks still continue.

Lalagirl posted 7/24/2013 10:46 AM

((((4grandbaby))))

My FWH had 2 EAs after 23 years of M.

I moved out shortly after D-Day #2 (2nd OW), we went through a year-plus of IC/MC and a lot of hard work from both of us.

I will not lie - the marriage was not the same (never will be) - when I was secure knowing he was well enough not to do this again, we renewed our vows (on our 25th wedding anniversary) - R is an ongoing process, but you can be happy again. SI was a lifesaver, and so was IC/MC (where I learned that FWH was emotionally immature with severe FOO issues and I had PTSD - from a previous event, exacerbated by his EAs). We also read, "Not Just Friends." Great book.

Over time, the pain lessened - it takes 2-5 years to heal. And I see you're a grandma - let me tell ya, when my first grandchild was born in 2009, that boy healed me like no therapy could. Now I also have 2 granddaughters and they too are so wonderful (ah...youth! )

Keep up what you're doing - just don't expect a fast healing - it's a hell of blow after so many years of M and having full trust in your spouse.

Big hugs,

Lala

[This message edited by Lalagirl at 10:46 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)]

4grandbaby posted 7/25/2013 09:04 AM

Thanks lalagirl! I feel so alone with the only people I can talk to are my husband,daughter, and counselor as they are the only people that know what happened. My husband is working very hard on our marriage now but he doesn't want to talk about what happened anymore. Some days are ok and others are horrible. Good days seem to be a thing of the past. My 40th annivary is 9/21/13 and I don't know if I can celebrate it. It's so sad.

adiben posted 7/25/2013 10:12 AM

I just recently out about my husband's infidelity. What a kicker. Almost reaching our 25th anniversary. Here I thought it would be so nice to renew our vows.
And to add insult to injury, I had just turned 65! Thought my life was going to be easier. Now to find that when he went to France, he fell in love with one of his co-workers. They had been so called "friends" for 3 years. Never mentioned her before. Now he is back paddling. Says it was just a mid life crisis. That he loves me and wants us to get thru this together.

Meanwhile, I so no longer trust him. Plus, he is going back to France next April and will be working with her again. And again the following spring. Am I supposed to believe that this is over? I feel so so sad.

I feel for you. I hope your heart can heal.

Just bought the book, Not just friends, but isnt that more for the Infidel?

[This message edited by adiben at 10:14 AM, July 25th (Thursday)]

Lalagirl posted 7/25/2013 11:27 AM

he doesn't want to talk about what happened anymore.

Language alert

TOO. FUCKING. BAD.

YOU didn't want him to have EAs!

What does your therapist say about this rugsweeping of his?

TxsT posted 7/25/2013 15:50 PM

I am so glad I found you guys....

An A is a horrible thing to go through at any time but an A after 30-40 years of being together is down right gut wrenching. Quick bio...
me: BS age 50
Hubby: WS age 53
been together 09/09/1981
married 09/10/1988
Dday: 09/11/2012
25th anniversary: 09/10/2013
A: lasted 4+ years

Our new Ipad was how I discovered my husbands affair. To be honest I had suspected something for almost 2 years. The usual secretive behavior with cell phones and his OW was a coworker who also had children in our boys school. We have lived what my doctor and our MC describe as the perfect storm marriage. We moved away from family when the boys were very little and hubby went to grad school. I became basically a single mom, holding the family together through 3 years of hard work and isolation. When hubby graduated he moved us to Texas and promptly got a job that took him around the world. I remained a single mom for almost 20 years as he came and went often. We were, and are, in love but a life like ours tears families apart. To survive the loneliness I built my own world. Hubby worked hard, was extremely successful, but his job grew bigger then the family. His constant travel put a huge damper on intimacy of any kind. Both of us were unhappy but coping. Enter coworker who has a horrible marriage...divorce looming. She befriended hubby and slowly teased him into what became a 4 year relationship. I am not making excuses for my husband...he made his choice and his bed....he is now reaping the nasty side effects of both. But to be fair to him, with our life it could have just as easily been me having the A. The Dday discovery shattered my very world, like I know it did to each and every one who goes through something like this. I became extremely depressed, totally unable to cope with my new realization. I didn't know what was truth and what was fiction. I experienced every nasty side affect that I have read many of you explaining. I confided in a very small and select group of friends immediately who each brought their own prospective to my world. One was living with the infidelity of his wife and I had helped him through many rough patches of his rebirth, one had divorced her first husband to marry her old time sweetheart who had also done just the same, and one was a mutual friend of mine and my hubby who works where the OW works and keeps an eye on her for me. I called the OW spouse as soon as I found out. Talk about the hardest conversation I would ever have to have in my life. I did this because I knew I couldn't get through this unless I at least knew the A was truly over. Hubby said the A was over....we live in a different country now...but he wasn't able to totally let go. We entered MC and IC 9/14/2012 and thank god for small miracles. Now 10 months into R we are finally seeing the fruits of all the extremely hard work we have had to put in. Hubby has gone through his own sense of shame, and guilt and has 100% put an effort into our R from the very first day. It took almost 8 months to begin to trust his actions and intentions but slowly, very slowly, we are starting to create something better.

I unfortunately still feel so alone some days. I will never be the same and I am still not sure what I am becoming. I am so tired of hurt, thankfully the tears have stopped flowing on a daily basis but like most of you, I know that this will never be fully gone. Anti-D drugs were needed at 4 months after Dday because I was clinically extremely depressed and suffering from 10 different PTSD symptoms. The drugs have helped me equalize my mood swings, depression, stopped my panic attacks and have helped create a positive platform that I have slowly, and very carefully started to rebuild on. But how, after all this do I become whole again??? When will I feel more like my pre A confident self? Have any of you turned that corner yet???

I am really not sure I want our 25th anniversary to come. It holds so much negative energy because Dday 1 year is the very next day. We have planned a very quiet weekend away in the mountains together but I am not sure WS gets how stressful this event will be for me. I would like to renew our vows since it is apparent to both of us that we will remain together. We almost feel that, in some strange way, the A has allowed us to throw away the old bad and start on a new path of creating good. But my reservations still exist, even in light of all the positive work.....will they ever subside to something small and insignificant?

We have survived 2 attempts of OW showing up on our doorstep....not an easy thing since we live in a different country now. This OW doesn't think she has done anything wrong and speaks of my husband and their relationship in present tense and wants to know why I have taken her best friend away. She actually called me to tell me all of this. Our therapist and doctor have tagged her as a manic depressed, delusional, narcissistic control freak and we will be taking out a restraining order on her if she tries to show up again. Both fear for my safety....isn't that fun? Nothing like now feeling like I am part of the bunny boiler movie!

Thank you all for being here. I wish I would have discovered this page 10 months ago!!! I feel so much more normal now that I know I am definitely not alone. Too bad the new normal comes with such horrible baggage.

whattheh posted 7/25/2013 17:26 PM

Today is 6 months since D day for me. Things have gotten better since the 4 month mark and I hope they will for you too!

I've fallen into a state of semi acceptance I guess? My husband has been a big part of this process. We are not doing counseling but are reading books and discussing information together.

He has answered my many questions consistently for awhile now so I think I'm feeling like there's not as much need to rehash this? We still have some setbacks (mainly when I trigger or have a fear come into my mind) but seem to come back from them more easily and quickly.

I've been married 32 years and can relate to how it feels to be betrayed after so many years of marriage and thinking you know someone and that they are your protector (when they're actually exposing us to danger).

My husband had created a secret life for 2.5 years and I didn't even catch on he was so good. But he did this because he was extremely afraid for me to find out and he's shared with me the stress, sadness and guilt it caused him to do this. I find it helps me when he shares the things that he is going through or has gone through as it helps distract me and I've always loved to help him.

Have you talked to your counselor about PTSD? I've read that the more closely attached to the betrayer and blindsided one is the higher the risk for this. Also my naturally anxious nature (I'm a worrier) puts me at greater risk.

TxsT posted 7/25/2013 18:57 PM

What....thanks for the post. Yes I did have a very long chat with my IC/MC about my PTSD symptoms. I had found an article on line written by a lady who had this happen to her as well. I was shocked to find out that I had PTSD but at the same time relieved to know I wasn't going insane. It was so hard back them to put my feelings into words and I was happy to know, through that article, I could put a face to my pain and suffering. It was after this discussion that he urged me to see my family doctor and I haven't looked back. This was the primary reason for the Anti-D med's. Everyone close to me was so concerned I wouldn't be able to handle the stress and pain of the situation. The very worst part was the dreams each night where she was basically in bed with us or I was watching them in bed....talk about a living nightmare!!!!

I am glad to hear you and your husband are working slowly through your mess like us. We sound like both of our husbands realize what a mistake they made. Mine too shares openly about his feelings before, during and now after the A. He was so depressed that his actions were so shameful while the A was still going on that he became very suicidal. We have both been through countless IC sessions as well as MC sessions and I have even invited him to attend many of my IC sessions so he could have a better understanding about how horribly hurt and messed up I am right now. Like you, I too find these conversations with my hubby helpful and they have increased in frequency over the past month now that he is sure that I won't just turn around and use them against him.

I just can't seem to shake this overwhelming feeling of sadness though. If I could I would turn the clock back 15 years and start applying all of what we have learned in MC immediately. At least we now have the tools to make sure it doesn't happen again.

I don't know if you have read this book but I want to suggest it. I read it first and highlighted what pertained specifically to me, making notes in the columns. Then my hubby read it, as well as the notes I made, and then he made his own notes back. It was a wonderful way to start some of those horrible conversations we had to have but it also let us both see inside the other persons world. The name of the book is " After the Affair. Healing the pain and rebuilding trust when a partner has been unfaithful" The author is Janis Abrahms. Our MC recommended it and I was surprised to see how closely it resembled the stages we went through in therapy. If you don't want to go to therapy, this is a good replacement for it. Let's keep in touch. I too am a worrier....or should I say I was a worrier. I have learned to not sweat the small stuff!

whattheh posted 7/25/2013 19:20 PM

Thanks for the advice and book! We will take a look at that.

I know what you mean about turning the clock back. I have so many regrets but bottom line he crossed the line and it wasn't my fault.

I really felt like my husband threw a nuclear bomb at our marriage. And this was so out of character for him. The few people that know about this in my family couldn't believe it either when they first found out.

I had a lot of trouble sleeping when I would get upset and angry. There were many times when I would literally not sleep one minute or just an hour and then have to go to work. Sometimes I had to call in sick. My mind movies occur when I'm awake but they're happening less and less. But I had other nightmares and when I looked them up in a dream book they were always related to warning me that treachery was around me or those closest to me couldn't be trusted. Some of my nightmares left me exhausted when I awoke. I also had a vision of Jesus and a miniature Satan speaking to me on 2 different occasions and I'm not overly religious.

I got so angry that I destroyed things in my house and tipped over bookcases in the living room near where the whore sat on my couch. I also screamed inside my house at them (but I was alone) so loud that my throat hurt and my speech was affected (kind of like you hear about people screaming when they're grieving someone who died). My husband and I burnt the bed, couch and other things that I felt were contaminated and we moved out of the bedroom.

I hate my house and want to move but financially that's not possible right now. Luckily we have a 2nd home where I can get some breaks away from the trigger laiden place.

[This message edited by whattheh at 7:22 PM, July 25th (Thursday)]

4grandbaby posted 7/26/2013 05:35 AM

I shouldn't say he doesn't want to talk about it anymore. If I don't think his answer makes sense then I keep asking the same thing over and over again. We go no where. We both become frustrated. Believe me I have told him numerous times that I didn't ask for this --he has caused all this pain and turmoil in my life. Therapist has said it's my decision to believe him or not. But to keep asking the same thing repeatedly with the same result is kinda defeating the purpose of trying to move forward. I get it to a point but if something isn't logical to me then I have a hard time accepting it.

Daysie posted 7/26/2013 06:06 AM

Hi everyone,

Yes know how you all feel

I found out in February that my husband of 35yrs had an affair with my now EXBF.

Daysie posted 7/26/2013 06:06 AM

Hi everyone,

Yes know how you all feel

I found out in February that my husband of 35yrs had an affair with my now EXBF.

Daysie posted 7/26/2013 06:29 AM

Hi everyone,

Yes know how you all feel

I found out in February that my husband of 35yrs had an affair with my now EXBF (32yrs ago).

Although it happened so long ago and they have not been in contact since we moved away - it has devastated me to my core.

The affair lasted 6wks but we continued to go out together as couples for another 3yrs (how could they be so brutal).

My WH has no memories of lots of what went on during that time (current mental health issues) so all that I know after his disclosure is what I was told by my EXBF.

This has been so difficult for me to heal because I don't get answers to my questions from WH. Added to my pain is the fact that my EXBF had told me that she ended the affair because she wanted to make her marriage work . My WH is trying hard to help me through this and is struggling also watching me go through this god awful emotional and physical nightmare. I have lost 30lbs, am continually sick, not sleeping because of mind movies, nightmares etc. Dr has now put me on meds but that will take time to kick in.

Just so angry all the time that WH has caused all this mess

Amazing to think that the person that is supposed to love and care for us, are the cause of such trauma

Loving thoughts to you all:-

Daysie posted 7/26/2013 06:36 AM

Sorry for the earlier posts.

Computer keeps logging out.

Perhaps though its me - not having a good day.