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a few realizations

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Unagie posted 7/24/2013 09:43 AM

I don't like who I was. I really dislike her. She could be a really good person, self sacrificing, willing to help others, tried giving her all to what she did and she was loving to many but she was so broken. She accepted behaviors from others she never should have and blamed herself for it. She allowed people to treat her like a tool to further their own agendas. She never developed healthy coping skills and never learned to not let people cross her boundaries. She did terrible things that went against her morals and broke her a little more each time. She allowed herself to walk down a path she never should have glanced at.

The person emerging from all that is stronger then I thought myself possible of being but still so scared. I have open wounds that are not healing as well as I'd like and none have even come close to scarring over. I like who I see in the mirror even though the shame for who I was is still there. I realize a lot of my grief is coming to terms with the fact that I no longer have the dream of forever and I'm the murderer and the gravedigger for it. Along with working on me I'm grieving and it hurts so bad.

Just a few realizations I've made this morning. Sharing here is my only outlet sometimes. Thanks for listening.

Spideysense posted 7/24/2013 09:51 AM

I have nothing to say to make your day better except that I feel very similar. About the way that I was, i was not somebody that i was proud of (even though I thought i was so awesome at the time). And I am still not always proud of myself in my "new way of life" but I can say everyday i make better decisions than i did before. It may not be much, but its better than i was a year ago when i was having an A, lying, sneaking, hiding, etc. Everytime i decide to confront my h about whats bothering me or whats happening between us, im a better person than the one that kept it in and turned to another man instead...yep, im not always proud of myself still, but i am a better version of myself everyday

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