I don't like who I was. I really dislike her. She could be a really good person, self sacrificing, willing to help others, tried giving her all to what she did and she was loving to many but she was so broken. She accepted behaviors from others she never should have and blamed herself for it. She allowed people to treat her like a tool to further their own agendas. She never developed healthy coping skills and never learned to not let people cross her boundaries. She did terrible things that went against her morals and broke her a little more each time. She allowed herself to walk down a path she never should have glanced at.
The person emerging from all that is stronger then I thought myself possible of being but still so scared. I have open wounds that are not healing as well as I'd like and none have even come close to scarring over. I like who I see in the mirror even though the shame for who I was is still there. I realize a lot of my grief is coming to terms with the fact that I no longer have the dream of forever and I'm the murderer and the gravedigger for it. Along with working on me I'm grieving and it hurts so bad.
Just a few realizations I've made this morning. Sharing here is my only outlet sometimes. Thanks for listening.
"You must try to generate happiness within yourself. If you aren't happy in one place, chances are you won't be happy anyplace." Ernie Banks