Been gone for a while working on us, the marriage, myself, everything. We have been hitting a rough patch and last night things went to shit. He had been acting strange for a few days and due to arguments and trying to respect his requests on certain issues, I had slept in our guest room (the room he had sex with his AP in) for the last couple nights. After work yesterday, we finally sat down to try to talk things out and during the discussion, he confesses that he has been thinking about divorce more and more and that he isn't sure his affairs weren't dealbreakers for HIM.
After hearing that, I just broke down. I hadn't been thinking about divorce for a long while and had been interested in starting to plan a recommitment ceremony. I was so shocked and blindsided that thoughts of divorce were getting more frequent in his head. It felt so much like I had just discovered another affair that I went through a full blown panic attack/ flashback to my October DDay.
After watching me fall to pieces, he backpedals and says that he doesn't want a divorce, just that he had been thinking about it. And that he still loves me and wants to work on the marriage.
Now, I feel like we are back at square one. I feel so insecure, vulnerable, worthless. Like all the effort we have been putting into trying to hold our marriage together has been wasted. That he is getting tired of "playing house" and is ready to cut me loose. I had just been getting over my fear of this, something that has been with me since DDay, and now I see my fear coming to life. I am not sure if I keep fighting, since I feel in my heart like he has already given up and is just saying whatever I want to hear to keep me happy. Fuck, that sounds like affair behavior!! Is there another affair?! I am just so lost and hurt. I am falling apart.
Sorry if this makes no sense, I am not sure where to turn right now.