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Naive or Simply Stupid?

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ILY7079 posted 7/24/2013 10:05 AM

I found out on June 14th,2013 that my husband of 15 years was/is having an affair. I had suspected it for a while as he was acting strange. Taking phone calls/texting in the middle of the night, starting early or working late, worried about his physical appearance, being jealous & accusing me of cheating, etc. I found the texts that day. We were going to a relatives wedding. Sometimes i think he did this so that I could find out and end our marriage. Throughout our marriage, he'd have comments such as: "Let's live under the same roof but sleep separately because I think you are cheating on me." or he'd pick fights over goofy things & always want to end it with "Maybe the best thing for us both is to divorce". Perhaps those should all have been red flags. Though I suspected something was going on, I would try to ease the situation. Over the years, I have become resentful, bitter, harsh towards everyone, perhaps as a barrier to prevent them from getting too close or personal. I chose to keep my family at a distance, chose not to have friends or go out to prevent arguments/problems. As I analyze it all, I realize this was not the first time I found explicit & obvious text messages revealing his infidelity. I confronted him about it. Though he says it was only a "game" & they didnt go any further or have sexual contact, the texts say otherwise. A week before I found out, I took him to the emergency room because he had a high fever for a couple of days & would not eat. On his way to the hospital, his 1st concern was that it could be diagnosed as an STD. When I read the texts, they clearly joked about it &stated, "I don't want you contaminating me" or "If I get sick, it must have been you". I feel stupid sometimes. Being busy with college, work, home, our five kids (3 are from his first relationship that I love & helped raise, & we have 2 together), I felt us growing apart. Even in intimacy, I felt the distance between us. I noticed his changes but needed proof. When we spoke, he said he was sorry & didnt want us to separate. He cried & begged for another opportunity, yet he said he's not a pedophile, a rapist, a gambler, a drug addict, but his problem has always been women. He says he has had the life he wanted with me & is happy but it started as a game & went further. What does she have or what did she give him that I didnt? I found out where the OW works, lives. I called & confronted her. She listened while I blurted out my anger & hurt. I found out who her husband is & told him of the affair. She seems happy on Facebook while I am enraged, hurt, hating them both. I cant sleep well & dont feel like eating. I know I am strong & can survive this but everything lately is just a struggle. I havent dedicated the time my kids need & to add insult to injury, my husband & I had a conversation last night about this. He asked if he still had an opportunity to rescue our relationship otherwise he cant stand that I am rejecting him & being indifferent & am not putting "effort" in forgiving him. I am confused, feel lonely & that I am sinking into a hole. I havent told anyone of my family or friends, as I don't think that will help. It will only worsen the situation, put shame on him as a Cheater & me as the "Stupid Submissive Wife." At this point, I dont know if our marriage is worth another try.

[This message edited by ILY7079 at 10:09 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)]

Skan posted 7/24/2013 15:50 PM

Well, I sure can't blame you for wondering if its worth another try. If my FWH had said something this stupid

am not putting "effort" in forgiving him
to me, he would have been on the floor searching to see if his danglies were still attached to his body!

Listen. No matter what he gives as a reason, no matter if you were the Linda Blair of bad wifes with your head spinning around and rolphing up evile demons, you did not cause him to cheat. He chose to do so he made a conscious decision to betray your marriage. He could have talked to you, screamed at you, left the house, separated from you, divorced you. There were other options. He decided to go out and screw someone else. That's all on him.

If you haven't already done so, please look in the upper left corner, at the yellow box, and click on The Healing Library. Read it. There are some really good articles in there for you. And keep coming back often to post. We're all here for you.

nowiknow23 posted 7/24/2013 18:08 PM

Welcome to SI, ILY. I'm very glad you found us, although I wish you didn't have reason to be here.

What does she have or what did she give him that I didnt?
It always breaks my heart when I read a betrayed spouse asking that question. The God's honest truth, honey? His actions weren't about you or anything (perceived OR real) lacking in you or anything magical or wonderful about her. Truly. There's a truth we share here at SI that damage seeks damage. There is something damaged in your WH that caused him to look for validation outside himself. NONE of this is your fault. Period. Repeat that until you believe it.
but his problem has always been women.
His problem is that he seeks validation from others. He chooses to get that validation through flirting and sex. Again - that has NOTHING to do with you. It's all on him.

For now, please practice your self care. It's terribly important for you to treat yourself as if you've suffered a trauma, because you have. Your mind and body are reacting to that trauma - that's why you can sleep or eat.

There is no rush in figuring out what you want to do. If he's pushing you to forgive and bury what's happened, tell him to shove it. Everything is on YOUR timeline now, ok?


ILY7079 posted 7/25/2013 10:13 AM

Skan, Thank you for your insight. You are right...I have flaws like everyone else. But if he wasnt happy, he could have spoken up & left.
In reagards to your comment about the danglies...they are still there, & I am not proud of my actions but I reacted violently. My head was steaming & I dont feel he's ashamed or repenting.

nowiknow23, Thank you for listening & for your support. I've asked him questions about the OW, what really happened. He gets defensive & says he doesnt want to give me details to avoid hurting me any further, but I feel he's hiding something. I cant see him the same. Besides the arguments we have, I feel I cant open my heart/feelings up to him. I feel vulnerable. He says I am bottling everything up & distancing myself. It hurts to think that I longed for us to be close & have a strong relationship. I longed for a sincere gesture & love & he gave it to her. I cant have sex. I picture him doing to me what he did to her. I cant stand him hands touching me. I dont believe him when he says he loves me or that I am beautiful. I doubt he remembered how much he loved when he was with her.

1Faith posted 7/25/2013 10:33 AM

he cant stand that I am rejecting him & being indifferent & am not putting "effort" in forgiving

My response would be " I can't stand that you rejected me and our family while you were selfish enough to have an affair. I can't stand that you rejected me, our marriage and our family for __ months. And I can't stand that you chose to put time, energy and lies into an affair when you could have been putting them towards me and our marriage. So, I am sorry that my dealing with your infidelity isn't going as you had planned and is not fast enough for you. On average it takes 2-5 years to heal from what you have done. It's been one month.
So either you need to stop putting pressure on me or you may push me to an outcome that you may not want or prepared for"

Easier said than done I know but it really mad me angry to hear him bullying you and that is what he is doing.

You are NOT stupid. You trusted the man you married. Reasonable expectation on your part.

He is the broken one who chose to cheat. He needs to get over his ego and figure out that there is consequences for his horrid choices. He needs to own them and then turn his cavalier attitude around and show some humility and remorse for putting you, your marriage and your family in this horrible situation. Time for him to grow up and man up.

It is still very new in the discovery phase.

Do you think the affair is still happening? Do you have proof of NC? If not, demand it now.

Also, go to the healing library and read, read, read. Knowledge is comfort and power.

Take time to post often if only to vent. We are all here and we care.

Look up the 180 and see if you are ready for it. It might wake your ego driven husband up a bit.

Good luck. You will be okay. I promise. It just takes a lot of time and pain to get there but you will one way or another.

God bless.


[This message edited by 1Faith at 10:34 AM, July 25th (Thursday)]

ILY7079 posted 7/25/2013 16:08 PM

1Faith, We had a huge argument yesterday. I found out where the OW works. I went there to confront her but she was not there. I took long getting home as I drove the long way home. My H called me asking where I was. I told him I'd come to confront the OW. He panicked & said I am looking for trouble & I am not willing to put this past us. I've asked him lots of questions that he doesnt want to answer. He says he ended everything with her the day I confronted her via his cell phone. He tells me he loves me & that he's sorry. I can see he is trying to do things he never did before to make me happy, such as visit my family with me (they never really got along) or has taken time to learn what interests me even if he never liked it before. But I dont really know if this is what I wanted. He tries to take more of the home & kids' responsibilities & has gotten more involved. It irks me that this is what it took to have him be involved in my life? Be my companionship & know that he loves me? He is making merits towards R but I can see the panic in his eyes when he receives a text & tries to open the message as if he were peeking at the phone & barely pulling it out of his pocket. I've checked his phone & emails but I cant be sure they have NC. His phone has calls or messages deleted at times. Sometimes he doesnt answer when I call him at work or if he does, says he's busy or boss is around & cant talk.

ILY7079 posted 7/25/2013 16:23 PM

I'm exhausted. I dont know how much more of this BS I can take. I've been living this nightmare & put so much energy & thought into my H A, I feel nauseated. The more I look back at his behavior, the signs, our marriage, the angrier i get. My H disgusts me.

nowiknow23 posted 7/25/2013 16:45 PM


He gets defensive & says he doesnt want to give me details to avoid hurting me any further,

He says I am bottling everything up & distancing myself
A bit of projecting going on there, in my opinion. He's the one bottling up the information you need and, therefore, putting distance between you.

The whole "protecting you" thing? Is such a farce. If he were truly worried about protecting you, none of this would have happened in the first place! And now that you are telling him what you need to know, he's refusing to give it to you. That's self-preservation. So is his reaction to you confronting the OW. He's protecting himself - not you.

Big hugs honey. This stuff is exhausting and can be utterly relentless.

Threnody posted 7/26/2013 07:38 AM

Want to emotionally sweep the leg from under this bully and give him notice you're expecting real change? Do the 180.

The things you see him doing are empty, at best. It's the Let's Mollify ILY7079 Show, and he's the star. Don't let him be in charge of your healing. You be in charge. Do the 180.

Real, lasting effort on his part should include an NC letter (you approve and send it, and it should say "You were a mistake and I'm choosing to repair my marriage") and MC as non-negotiables.

Additionally, I believe you should take an opportunity to talk to two or three lawyers in your area to find out where you stand in the event of divorce. Don't tell him, just do it. I think you'll find it empowering, at the very least.

Stay strong, ILY. He's still thinking he's in control of this. HA. Nobody gets to tell you how to forgive him -- or IF you should forgive him. That's for YOU to decide.

He's trying to control you through fear. Poor muffin. He has no idea how strong you really are.

tushnurse posted 7/26/2013 10:11 AM

Welcome. I second the great advice you have been given. Go back and re read Threnody's post. Do what she says.
I would also strongly suggest that you go get tested for STD's, and while there share what's going on, they will not judge you, and see if you would benefit from and antidepressant, or anti-anxiety medication. You stated you aren't eating, and if you aren't sleeping, those things can be a bad combination when it comes to thinking clearly.

He is attempting to manipulate you into letting him stay, without having to do any of the real work of R. Simply this doesn't work. Things may get better briefly, but they won't stay better.

You get to be in charge, you get to set the ground rules for any attempt at R should you want to do that. If he balks then I would bet he is still in the A on some level.

Keep coming and posting here. You are safe, and will recieve tons of great advice.

((((and strength))))

ILY7079 posted 8/1/2013 11:36 AM

I am living this nightmare & am not even asleep. The hurt and anger I have is turning into resentment for my H. I feel like I am going "numb." I cant really explain it. I've become so distracted, always thinking about this. I just got back to work... I crashed this morning. I am ok. The person in the other vehicle was ok. I saw the car in front of me at the STOP sign & it didnt trigger for me to stop. I am losing my mind! I hear people talking but I didnt listen to what they told me. I've become so forgetful. I cant take it anymore. I cant sleep well through the nights, I've lost my appetite, I hate my life right now. When I do sleep, I have nightmares of my H w the OW or me confronting them both. I've dreamt that she's pregnant with my H baby. I hate them both. I am trying VERY HARD to put this out of my mind but am finding it so hard. Everything reminds me of his betrayal. I dont buy his BS that he's always been happy with me & he wants to make this work. For 15 years of our marriage, he was there physically but absent emotionally. At times, I wish I could really be the Cold Hearted B***h he's portrayed me as & kick his sorry ass out. Deserves nothing from me. If he married me to obtain legal status in this country he could have already left (as he is legal) but he will pay kindly.

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