[This message edited by ILY7079 at 10:09 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)]
am not putting "effort" in forgiving him
Listen. No matter what he gives as a reason, no matter if you were the Linda Blair of bad wifes with your head spinning around and rolphing up evile demons, you did not cause him to cheat. He chose to do so he made a conscious decision to betray your marriage. He could have talked to you, screamed at you, left the house, separated from you, divorced you. There were other options. He decided to go out and screw someone else. That's all on him.
If you haven't already done so, please look in the upper left corner, at the yellow box, and click on The Healing Library. Read it. There are some really good articles in there for you. And keep coming back often to post. We're all here for you.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
What does she have or what did she give him that I didnt?
but his problem has always been women.
For now, please practice your self care. It's terribly important for you to treat yourself as if you've suffered a trauma, because you have. Your mind and body are reacting to that trauma - that's why you can sleep or eat.
There is no rush in figuring out what you want to do. If he's pushing you to forgive and bury what's happened, tell him to shove it. Everything is on YOUR timeline now, ok?
“The most difficult times for many of us are the ones we give ourselves.”
― Pema Chödrön
nowiknow23, Thank you for listening & for your support. I've asked him questions about the OW, what really happened. He gets defensive & says he doesnt want to give me details to avoid hurting me any further, but I feel he's hiding something. I cant see him the same. Besides the arguments we have, I feel I cant open my heart/feelings up to him. I feel vulnerable. He says I am bottling everything up & distancing myself. It hurts to think that I longed for us to be close & have a strong relationship. I longed for a sincere gesture & love & he gave it to her. I cant have sex. I picture him doing to me what he did to her. I cant stand him hands touching me. I dont believe him when he says he loves me or that I am beautiful. I doubt he remembered how much he loved when he was with her.
he cant stand that I am rejecting him & being indifferent & am not putting "effort" in forgiving
My response would be " I can't stand that you rejected me and our family while you were selfish enough to have an affair. I can't stand that you rejected me, our marriage and our family for __ months. And I can't stand that you chose to put time, energy and lies into an affair when you could have been putting them towards me and our marriage. So, I am sorry that my dealing with your infidelity isn't going as you had planned and is not fast enough for you. On average it takes 2-5 years to heal from what you have done. It's been one month.
So either you need to stop putting pressure on me or you may push me to an outcome that you may not want or prepared for"
Easier said than done I know but it really mad me angry to hear him bullying you and that is what he is doing.
You are NOT stupid. You trusted the man you married. Reasonable expectation on your part.
He is the broken one who chose to cheat. He needs to get over his ego and figure out that there is consequences for his horrid choices. He needs to own them and then turn his cavalier attitude around and show some humility and remorse for putting you, your marriage and your family in this horrible situation. Time for him to grow up and man up.
It is still very new in the discovery phase.
Do you think the affair is still happening? Do you have proof of NC? If not, demand it now.
Also, go to the healing library and read, read, read. Knowledge is comfort and power.
Take time to post often if only to vent. We are all here and we care.
Look up the 180 and see if you are ready for it. It might wake your ego driven husband up a bit.
Good luck. You will be okay. I promise. It just takes a lot of time and pain to get there but you will one way or another.
[This message edited by 1Faith at 10:34 AM, July 25th (Thursday)]
He gets defensive & says he doesnt want to give me details to avoid hurting me any further,
He says I am bottling everything up & distancing myself
The whole "protecting you" thing? Is such a farce. If he were truly worried about protecting you, none of this would have happened in the first place! And now that you are telling him what you need to know, he's refusing to give it to you. That's self-preservation. So is his reaction to you confronting the OW. He's protecting himself - not you.
Big hugs honey. This stuff is exhausting and can be utterly relentless.
The things you see him doing are empty, at best. It's the Let's Mollify ILY7079 Show, and he's the star. Don't let him be in charge of your healing. You be in charge. Do the 180.
Real, lasting effort on his part should include an NC letter (you approve and send it, and it should say "You were a mistake and I'm choosing to repair my marriage") and MC as non-negotiables.
Additionally, I believe you should take an opportunity to talk to two or three lawyers in your area to find out where you stand in the event of divorce. Don't tell him, just do it. I think you'll find it empowering, at the very least.
Stay strong, ILY. He's still thinking he's in control of this. HA. Nobody gets to tell you how to forgive him -- or IF you should forgive him. That's for YOU to decide.
He's trying to control you through fear. Poor muffin. He has no idea how strong you really are.
He is attempting to manipulate you into letting him stay, without having to do any of the real work of R. Simply this doesn't work. Things may get better briefly, but they won't stay better.
You get to be in charge, you get to set the ground rules for any attempt at R should you want to do that. If he balks then I would bet he is still in the A on some level.
Keep coming and posting here. You are safe, and will recieve tons of great advice.