I am so sorry you are suffering like this, but I want to assure you...it will get better. You will be OK.
It doesn't seem possible but you will.
You have already taken the first step to healing, you reached out for support. You found a very safe place full of very compassionate people that know exactly what you're going through. We've all been where you are now and most of us have made it out the other side.
The shock of infidelity can cause PTSD. It takes such a heavy toll on the betrayed.
What you're feeling is normal, awful but normal. Sometimes it takes months to begin to process it all.
Do what you need to do to heal yourself. Be kind to you now. If you can go to IC, it helps a lot. It is your WH's job to fix himself. You can't fix him because you didn't break him. You did nothing wrong.
My message is just about time and actions. Such a traumatic event in your life leaves big wounds.
I'm not sure how long it has been since your DDay.
Time will answer your questions. If your WH is truly remorseful and sincere in his desire to save your marriage, then time will tell. Words don't matter.
It's all about actions.
The affair isn't about the OW. It's about the WH. She was just available. She could have been anyone. She wasn't special. She was just a willing warm body.
Your husband needs IC to really learn why he cheated. It was all about his issues, not about how special the OW was. Not for a minute.
He threw all the trust you had in him away. He has to work to earn a little back.
This is a very good place to be when you are trying to navigate these waters.
Lots of people here have survived and thrived after infidelity. Ask anything. Write often.
why do I deserve this
And the answer is you did NOTHING to deserve this. This is about his inability to keep boundaries and why he allowed himself to cheat (and yes, it was cheating).
Hang in there. We are all here.
(((hugs and prayers)))