SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have been with my husband for 16 years and the first time I found out that he cheated was when my son was 10 months old. I was married previously and had 9 year old twin daughters at the time and now a new baby so we did counseling and worked through it. It was very difficult to get past I don't think I ever really did get over it. Now fast forward to a few weeks ago when I found out that he did it again, he did not have sex with her however they cuddled, spent the night with each other and had hours of conversation on the phone and texting. In my book that is cheating. Apparently they went to school together and reconnected on facebook. That is how I caught him is through archived text messages on his iphone. I was blown away and devistated. We have (2) children together now a 12 year old son who has high functioning autism and a 6 year old daughter. My twins are 21 and out of the house now and they are so upset too as they looked to him as a father figure. He wants to work things out he said that he was lonely. I guess I should mention that we did separate last year and we have lived apart for 1 year he had lost his job a few years ago at the time when the economy started to go down then we lost our house and had to cash out 401ks to live and it was a very difficult time however we separated so that we can work things out calmy we were always at eachother's throat and we were both on the understanding that we were still a married couple and we would be working on our marriage. We spent all of our weekends together he would wait till we left on Sunday and invite girls over. I only have proof of one I am sure there are others. He said that he was lonely. How do I move passed this I am obsessed with finding out everything there is to know about every person he has talked to and what he is doing every minute of every day. I have been a loyal, faithful and loving wife to him why do I deserve this. I am at the point where I think I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and just move on it's so hard to do. Any suggestions out there.

Dear Browneyedgirl

I am so sorry you are suffering like this, but I want to assure you...it will get better. You will be OK.

It doesn't seem possible but you will.

You have already taken the first step to healing, you reached out for support. You found a very safe place full of very compassionate people that know exactly what you're going through. We've all been where you are now and most of us have made it out the other side.

The shock of infidelity can cause PTSD. It takes such a heavy toll on the betrayed.

What you're feeling is normal, awful but normal. Sometimes it takes months to begin to process it all.

Do what you need to do to heal yourself. Be kind to you now. If you can go to IC, it helps a lot. It is your WH's job to fix himself. You can't fix him because you didn't break him. You did nothing wrong.

My message is just about time and actions. Such a traumatic event in your life leaves big wounds.

I'm not sure how long it has been since your DDay.

Time will answer your questions. If your WH is truly remorseful and sincere in his desire to save your marriage, then time will tell. Words don't matter.

It's all about actions.

The affair isn't about the OW. It's about the WH. She was just available. She could have been anyone. She wasn't special. She was just a willing warm body.

Your husband needs IC to really learn why he cheated. It was all about his issues, not about how special the OW was. Not for a minute.

He threw all the trust you had in him away. He has to work to earn a little back.

This is a very good place to be when you are trying to navigate these waters.

Lots of people here have survived and thrived after infidelity. Ask anything. Write often.

You asked

why do I deserve this

And the answer is you did NOTHING to deserve this. This is about his inability to keep boundaries and why he allowed himself to cheat (and yes, it was cheating).

Hang in there. We are all here.

(((hugs and prayers)))

Gently, this is not something one just "moves on" from. It takes healing and being kind to one's self.

It is normal to want to find out all the information. You cannot heal until you know what you are healing from. If your WH (wayward husband) helping you in this process? Is he providing information when you ask? Transparency? Passwords?

Have you looked into IC (individual therapy) for yourself? You are healing from a trauma and reaching out and asking for help is the best thing you can do! As Faith said, your WH can worry about fixing himself. Time and actions will provide you lots of information.

Hugs!