You can see the details in my sig -- married almost 10 years, together almost 12. Two months after the ILYB talk and one month after he came clean about the OW, he told me he wanted a divorce. That was a week ago today.
However, he hasn't filed. From things he's said, I doubt he's even seen or talked to an attorney. (He thought we could use the same one! When I said we couldn't do that, he said he wanted to do a mediated divorce -- apparently not realizing we'd still both need lawyers.) He hasn't asked me about separating our finances (and he's the one with everything to lose there, NOT me). He doesn't seem to have any plans as to when or if he might move out of his parents' house, which is not a cozy arrangement -- they don't cook, they rarely clean, they think he's making a horrible mistake, and he's living in a basement bedroom amidst a bunch of junk.
He's a very smart, very successful professional guy. He's more than capable of dealing with all this stuff. And yet he doesn't seem to be.
Am I being unrealistic in hoping that this is a sign he doesn't really want this?
(I should add that I have seen one attorney already and have an appointment with another. I have a good idea of what I can expect to end up with in a divorce settlement and how I can protect myself and my kids. I don't intend to file, unless I have to -- I don't want to get divorced, and I don't plan to initiate unless I'm 100 percent sure I'm done. I haven't reached that point yet.)
[This message edited by Violetta at 11:06 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)]
Much hugs and I'm sorry that you are here, but we are all here to support you through this.
You do not have any info in your profile, so I do not know how long ago your DDay is, but it seems recent. I think there are some things that should be pointed out:
1- You are doing the 180 to reconcile? The 180 is for YOU, to make sure that emotionally you will be ok in case things do not work out that way, not to manipulate him to come back.
2- He told you 1 week ago he wanted a divorce. That's not a lot of time, it takes time to see an attorney and draft the paperwork.
3- If your DDay is very recent, he may be on a rollercoaster as well, one day he wants a divorce, another day he doesn't. Give it time to see how it plays out.
4-Don't be so sure that he told you all about the OW. Most of the time they don't come clean if they are still planning to divorce you. Why tell all if you're not planning to stay together?
I know the 180 is really for me. And it has helped me a lot. It has definitely made me feel more confident and more self-sufficient. However, it would be dishonest for me to say I'm not also hoping it might help convince him to come back.
I guess it's not so much that he hasn't filed — though the attorney I saw was surprised he hadn't, considering how fast he's pushing all of this — but the fact that he doesn't even appear to know how any of this will work. That, to me, shows that he's truly not making a very well-informed or thought-out decision. Although I guess you could say that about this whole debacle!
I tend to think he's told me mostly the truth. Of course, I'm remaining somewhat skeptical, but I think he's a "gusher."
And suddenly I see, what I lost ain't no loss.
-Richie Kotzen, "What I Lost"
Keep 180'ing. Time will tell you what you need to know.
I agree with Whaler that he may very well want to divorce, but would rather you do it.
Course, in that time, if his actions are for r'ing, you'll know that too.
Not to scare you, but your dday is recent and he may not know even know what the hell he wants right now.
In the meantime, take care of you.
sending you strength,,,,,
Mine did something similar. He made it clear that he didn't want me anymore, but he also didn't want to fling himself into the unknown so quickly either. It was like he wanted to shut his eyes on the reality he created. I practically had to find an apartment for him when I could no longer take him living there with us. He was there, but not really present, you know? He would stay out late, come home drunk, and act like there wasnt a two ton elephant sitting in the middle of the room. He even slept in the same bed until he settled on a move out date. He didnt pack until the day he moved, never went through his momentos, and barely took the clothes on his back. I hired an attorney and he represented himself. My lawyer would make comments each time she saw him that he looked like a deer in the headlights who just came off a two week bender. The whole scene was bizarre and cruel and unfortunately it kept me hoping for a long time that he really didn't want this.
I know it's hard, but don't read too much into his inaction right now. IMO and from what I've seen on SI for the past two years, you will absolutely know if they really make a turn around and are willing to do the hard work to R. At this point, he hasn't shown you that so keep doing what needs to be done to protect yourself legally and emotionally.
Sadly he probably does want one if he is doing nothing to show he wants the marriage. Actions. He should be working on himself in IC, etc.
My XH did the same. It was back and forth for months on end wanting a D, not wanting one. It was hell for me. I had 4 kids to care for so I turned my attention to them and did the 180 for my sanity. My DDay was April 2007, I let him stay until November 2007 because he was boo hooing he had no place to go. Bad for me as he moped around the house. I had enough and said get out. He said he would file after getting our tax return. Did he? Nope. I waited and waited. I ended up filing in April 2008 after waiting months and months. I had a lawyer, he never retained one or even went to the D hearing. It was my lawyer and me in that courtroom. Fastest 10 minutes of my life but the best thing I did. He showed me who he was for that entire year.
[This message edited by Mommato4 at 12:55 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)]
I'd really like to think that we can make this work and reconcile, if hed just TRY, but I'm not going to count on it until I hear those words out of his mouth and he starts showing me he's ready to work his butt off.
Like Tom Petty says, "the waiting is the hardest part." I wish there was something I could DO. Instead, I feel like all I can do is BE. I mean, I could file, but, like I said, I don't really want to be divorced. At least not yet.
I don't think he has any idea of how little he might end up seeing the kids. For all his current faults, he adores and is a great dad. I think he thinks he'll get 50-50 custody. The lawyer I saw said no way in hell will that happen, unless I agree to it, which I certainly don't plan to. I'm not going to miss out on half my kids' childhoods because of his bad decisions.
God, I wish there was someway to lead him out of the fog. I know he has to walk out of it on his own, but waiting and wondering if and when that will ever happen is agonizing.
What I can tell you is that you don't have to go through with the D if he pulls his head out of his ass. You may want to file now though if it's in your best interest financially. We are so upset and turned upside down when this happens. It rarely occurs to us early on that we could get creamed on the money end of things if we don't take control.
I know it's hard to think that they will hurt us and the kids like that too, but waywards can be like trapped animals - once they find themselves in a corner, they snarl and snap back. If he has access to the money and the joint assets, please at least talk to your lawyer about filing. See if the courts regularly grant temporary orders of support and maintenance before things even get rolling. Don't let him waffle to the point where he gathers enough strength to figure out how much he may really lose because of his bad choices.
It sounds very harsh, but my lawyer and my IC told me early on to take advantage of his guilt. That's where the inaction usually stems from. It's way easier to get a good settlement if they are feeling bad. Again, harsh but true. You have to do what you can now to protect yourself. Right now, he's not an ally, he's the adversary. Treat him that way when it comes to your financial future.
I think he probably does want the divorce - but like many, is too lazy to actually do the work and hopes you will handle it all.
Yup, this is my H. He also wanted to be able to say that "his wife left him" vs. "I had an A and ruined my M." I caught one of his e-mails just after he moved out where he gleefully told the health person where he works that "my wife sent me packing, so it's best if you call my cell" How unprofessional. He just loves that he gets to tell people his wife left him.
Oddly, I actually felt BETTER than I do right now right after he asked for the divorce. Not because I wanted one, but because I felt like, "OK, I know what direction we're headed in, and I can start to prepare myself." But with his actions seeming to say something different than his words, I feel like everything is up in the air again. And it doesn't help that EVERY SINGLE PERSON who knows us feels absolutely convinced that he's going to come to his senses.
It's so hard to accept the waiting. Patience has never been my strong suit.
[This message edited by Violetta at 3:46 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)]
So when you say his "actions" seem to contradict - you mean his "inaction," in that he has not actually gone out and gotten a lawyer. He's the guy on the couch saying, "I want pizza!" but then not making a move to go get it.
But perhaps his actions are speaking very loudly in other realms...? Where do things stand with OW?
I'm not sure exactly where things are with the OW. I do know that when I talked to her husband, who had already moved out several weeks ago and didn't know about the EA, he called me back and said she denied everything. WH knows this. I can't imagine it gives him a lot of confidence that she can't even fess up to man she doesn't even want to be married to anymore.
It doesn't sound like, according to his parents, he's going out much. Of course, he could be communicating with her in other ways or seeing her at work. Or just lying to them about where he is going when he does go out. But, at any rate, it doesn't sound like he's spending a vast amount of time with her.
When he did first tell me he wanted to divorce, I said, "So you're going to go be with her now?" And he said, "Yeah, probably." Though he was very shaken up by our conversation later that night where he discovered how deeply devastated and disgusted his dad was by his behavior. I guess they (WH and FIL) had more of a talk later that same night. WH was "very rattled," according to his dad. I guess he thought his parents were going to be more supportive?
I don't even know what to think anymore. I ping-pong back and forth about a thousand times a day.
I'm not sure how to ask and keep up with the 180, unless he volunteers this information. But he hasn't.
I think the smartest, and most sane thing, for me to do is to continue on the assumption we are heading for divorce. If he tells me he wants to R and breaks off contact with her, then that will be a wonderful surprise, but it doesn't look like, at this point, that's something I should expect, at least not based on his current behavior.
Part of me really wishes I could give him an ultimatum, but I don't know that I would feel comfortable following through on it at this point. Just not there yet.
[This message edited by Violetta at 7:23 AM, July 25th (Thursday)]
I am brand new, so I don't have a lot of advice, but our DDays are really recent and I just started the D process on my own this past monday.
Please just protect yourself. I am dealing with a NPD H, so my situation is a little bit different, but the truth of the matter is... you have to look out for you. My H said the exact same things and acted the exact same way. He said He wanted a D, but he never initated paperwork or anything. He wanted to file "uncontested" through the courts without lawyers, so he could get away with whatever he could. He didn't want to acknowledge what he has done.
I had to come to the realization on my own that it would have hurt me more to be served with papers on his terms. And that would be another slap in the face just like the A. I thought and thought about it, and frankly, if he was willing to have an A, there is obviously no respect to tell me if he was filing for D either. I called my lawyer, initiated the paperwork. I am going to give him what he wants, but it's going to be on my terms now. And this will be the first time in his entire life he will have to take responsibility for his actions. I hold all the cards and I have the control. It's really an empowering thing to think about the situation and say "You know what? I got this"
Just protect yourself and your kids. Nothing is happening tomorrow, today or the next week. I don't want to get divorced either. I want my H to change, but I have to understand that there is a great possibility he wont. I hope yours pulls his sh*t together and realizes what he is throwing away. It's so scary, I know! I'm sending you postive vibes and strength.
Lacing up my nikes and running west!
Also, I agree with the poster that said you might get a better settlement while he feels guilty. We worked out our financial settlement right away and I asked for a lot in spousal from him and he agreed. I doubt I would have been able to get him to agree to that now.
I think you really need to consider filing for divorce to protect yourself. You don't have to go through with it at this time, but it will legally separate you from anything crazy that he might do.
Getting the notification that you are fililng for divorce will either snap him out of his fantasy world, or it will end the marriage. Either way the waffling adn fence sitting ends.
Just remember, no matter how much you want to save your marriage, you cannot do it alone. He has to be committed to R and from what I have read he isn't there.
Like you said, prepare for the worst and hope for the best.
I definitely haven't ruled out filing myself. I don't think I'm ready to take that step at this time, and with D Day just over a month ago, I don't want to rush anything.
In the meantime, I'm trying to take good care of myself and the kids. I got all new bedding for the bedroom, and new blinds and art to match. WH was surprised to see it when he came over the other day – the bedroom door was open – to get the kids.
I've also been working out more, taking the kids out a lot of fun places, and, with tomorrow being our 10 year anniversary, I have a big party planned with lots of girlfriends coming over.
The amount of support I've had, both online and in real life, has been overwhelming, from the neighbors who've helped me with things around the house to friends who've talked to me and texted with me whenever I was despairing, to my in-laws, who are helping so much with the kids. If we do end up divorced, and even if we don't, one of the best things to come out of this whole mess will be realizing how many amazing, generous people I have in my life.
I said, "Is this still what you really want to do?" He said, "Yeah, it is." I told him, "Are you seeing her now?" He said, "Not seriously, but I've seen her a couple of times."
I said, "So, are you going to file?" He said he wanted to wait and think about it a little. I said, "Why? You seem pretty damn sure that's what you want to do." He said, "Yeah, I'm gonna file."
I told him that I was NOT going to offer him 50/50 custody and that he might not think he's walking away from the kids, but he IS. He said I was forcing him into that decision. I said NO, he was the one making the decision to leave.
Then I asked why he was rushing this, and if it was so that he could just go be with her and not feel guilty. He said he wasn't going to talk about his feelings with me and that he was pissed he'd been "ambushed" after a school meeting. I told him I wasn't ambushing him, but I had a right to know what to expect and what to prepare myself and the kids for. He asked if we could please talk about this this weekend. I said sure.
However, as I got out of the car (in tears), I told him he wasn't the man I thought he was, that I was sorry I picked him to be their father, and that they deserved better than this.
So, I did just about everything I had hoped NOT to do. But at least now I know where things stand. Which is not in a very good freaking place.