Your husband sounds like a sex addict. Im sorry.
You need to be tested for STD's..right away. And no sex with him until he is tested..and you have the results from the doctor.
Men don't ask for sexual favors from other men..unless they are gay or bisexual. So not "only" do you have to deal with him cheating(and he is),you have to deal with the question of his sexuality. Is he gay or bisexual?
You are not overreacting. How have you handled this in the past?
You need to find your bitch boots.
Tell him if he wants to R he must do the following:
Get tested...and retested.
Be completely transparent..you get full access to all of his online accounts and cell..and all passwords.
He answers all of your questions without blame or anger.
He accepts full responsibility for his actions.
He goes to IC..actually..a CSAT to help him.
Put a keylogger on his computer,spyware on his phone,and a var in his car(secretly,of course).
Im so sorry. I know the shock of finding out your WH has an interest in men. I had no clue..none. It took 6 months for the shock to wear off.
It takes 3-5 years to heal from infidelity...longer if you're dealing with questions about his sexual preferences.
Oh..and have him take a polygraph as a requirement of R. If he's been honest,he'll jump at the chance to prove it. If he is lying,you'll know by his refusal.
Or..you could leave him. He sounds beyond sick. You say you havent trusted him in a long time..you just havent had the guts to leave him...we can help you with that.
And I agree...he sounds very creepy. Scary creepy. How old were the two girls outside the department store? Did they tell you what he had done to be called a pervert? You know he is lying to you..right? Two girls aren't going to start yelling at a man because he commented on their purple hair. He either said,or did,something highly inappropriate.
You said you intercepted emails to a "young girl." How old was she? How old was he?
[This message edited by confused615 at 11:52 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)]
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
Creepy does not begin to describe this.
He is lying and has been lying to cover his tracks. And for how many years?
I am so sorry but I think you know your husband has serious issues. SERIOUS.
I would get tested for STD's immediately. Regardless of if you have physical contact with him now or not. If you have in the past - get tested to make sure you are okay.
You are so NOT overreacting.
What is it that you want from him at this point? Anything? Nothing?
So sorry you are here but I would say you need to make some type of break. To your point, you are his wife not his mother or babysitter.
He is not with you or dedicating his time and energy to you.
(((gently)))I would rather spend time with my girlfriends or reading a book by myself than worrying if my husband is going to give me an STD because he is sleeping with online hook ups from both genders.
This only stops when you say it does.
You aren't going to change him. He has to want to change. You are enabling him by allowing for it to happen.
How much time and energy do you waste checking up on him because in your heart you know what he is up to and the type of man he is?
I understand fear of being alone, we all do.
I have to ask, however, will there ever be a deal breaker for you? If so, what is it?
What do you want for YOU?
I understand you are scared. You don't have to make any decisions today. Take your time. Get your ducks in a row. Are you able to take care of yourself financially? Do your children know about their father's behavior?
The young girl he was caught emailing..21? Did he tell you that,or did you find out on your own?
What has he told you as far as the men on craigslist are concerned? Have you checked there to see if he has an account? Try to log in,using his email accounts...if that doesn't work..the keylogger will show you any secret accounts he has..and passwords. I would wait until the keylogger picked it up,then go to craigslist and log in..it will show you all the ads he has placed.
I am afraid this is the tip of the iceberg, and it will only get worse. And if you stay, you may be putting yourself at more risk than STDs...when anonymous encounters are involved, you have other crazies to worry about that could hurt you or your kids. And to be honest it is only a matter of time before he has a run-in with the law or worse. You may want to reconsider that being alone might be way safer and better for you.
There is a new reference thread about WS that use anonymous encounters in JFO. Please read it.
Best of luck. Keep posting.
Every email I did find indicated no meetings had taken place. One email I found alluded to H cheating on me in the past when speaking to a person he was trying to hook up with.
I confronted him, and he admitted that he had hooked up with 3 OW for ONS's. He said that the affair that he alluded to was fake, he was just trying to get the person more comfortable with being with him since he was married. 5 months later I found out there were 4 OW, and one lasted for 18 months. NONE of that stuff was in those emails that I found!
In the end, my H told me that everytime he actually hooked up with a person, he would immediately delete their emails, as well as the emails he'd sent to them from his sent folder. He wanted to basically scrub that person from existence, and he did. So just because you don't find anything hard in his emails, doesn't mean it didn't happen. Also, there's no saying that your WH didn't meet that last OW that you chatted with by driving out to see her, or by meeting her where her bus stop was, or whatever. Just because her car is broken doesn't mean nothing happened. Where there's a will, there's a way.
Sneaky tip: I used to get on my H's IM (after DDay) and I would wait for someone to contact him. I would then play dumb and say "I have so many fantasies about us that I can't separate reality from fiction anymore. Tell me, what is real with us". They would think it was all romantic sounding and steamy, so they would tell me. And then I would tell them that I was the BW, and to never contact my H again (plus maybe a few choice words).
I'm going to say this very gently....
The girls in the parking lot - around 21, the girl on AIM, 21. Is there any chance he's trolling for younger girls? I mean younger than legal age?
You sound like a strong person. Trust your gut. It's always right!!! If I were you I would see a lawyer and find out my options. Knowledge is power.
Lastly, how old is your son now? I would be very weary of anything he may see on the computer. And what happened in the parking lot. Your son was there, that's not healthy.
Hugs to you, you will get through this.
If your gut tells you that he isn't safe, trust your gut.
Men don't ask for sexual favors from other men..unless they are gay or bisexual.
Lord, how I wish people would quit saying this! It simply isn't true. Heterosexual men DO as for sexual favors from men. Especially sex addicts. It has nothing to do with orientation and everything to do with the addiction. As SAWH said, "a mouth is a mouth."
People are hurting enough on here and don't need misinformation. There are very few absolutes in life. And with these sick fuckers, anything is possible.