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3019lily posted 7/24/2013 11:32 AM

I just discovered two emails my husband forgot to erase. He sent his phone number to two men on craigslist who advertised for sex in the M4M casual relations section. In the message, he said "do not email - this is a public computer". When I confronted him, he was totally shocked that I found the emails. Then he stumbled for answers - "how did that happen", etc. When I pointed out that it was his cell # and it had to be him answering the ad, he suddenly claimed that he did it to see if I was still watching his email! You see, it was not the first time I've caught him answering personal ads. I caught him on four dating sites about ten years ago. Then his excuse was "I'm checking out the sites to see if I should open up a dating service to make money". I've caught him instant messaging a young girl (until I intercepted it). I once was in a store with my young son, when I heard two women yelling outside. When I went out, they yelled at me that my husband is a pervert. He claimed that he just made fun of their hair color (purple) and they got mad. Then a couple of years ago I caught him on craigslist again. He swore he only did it out of curiosity and wouldn't do it again. A couple of weeks later, he was visiting his mom in another state (by this time, I put some spyware on his computer)and I caught him looking on craigslist personals for sex and googling the address of a massage parlor. And now he's sending his phone number to men who want massages, etc. I haven't trusted him in a long, long time, but I haven't got the guts to leave him. Yet. When this first started, I had two little children and no job. Now I have a part time job. And the thing is, in every other part of my life, I'm happy. And I don't want to leave my home and dogs. I've already told him that I don't want anymore physical contact with him. So I don't know what else to do. I'm just tired of babysitting him. Oh, and he ALSO thinks I'm overreacting!!!

3019lily posted 7/24/2013 11:39 AM

I also forgot to mention that he constantly looks at websites with pics of bikini clad women and sports illustrated models. And when we're out anywhere he ogles young girls. If I tell him to stop staring, he says he's not staring - and keeps staring. I mean, he locks onto a girl and stares intently. He's 61 years old, we've been married for 34 years, and I find this very creepy.

confused615 posted 7/24/2013 11:48 AM

My WH was on craigslist..same section..mfm.

Your husband sounds like a sex addict. Im sorry.

You need to be tested for STD's..right away. And no sex with him until he is tested..and you have the results from the doctor.

Men don't ask for sexual favors from other men..unless they are gay or bisexual. So not "only" do you have to deal with him cheating(and he is),you have to deal with the question of his sexuality. Is he gay or bisexual?

You are not overreacting. How have you handled this in the past?

You need to find your bitch boots.

Tell him if he wants to R he must do the following:

Get tested...and retested.

Be completely get full access to all of his online accounts and cell..and all passwords.

He answers all of your questions without blame or anger.

He accepts full responsibility for his actions.

He goes to IC..actually..a CSAT to help him.

Put a keylogger on his computer,spyware on his phone,and a var in his car(secretly,of course).

Im so sorry. I know the shock of finding out your WH has an interest in men. I had no clue..none. It took 6 months for the shock to wear off.

It takes 3-5 years to heal from infidelity...longer if you're dealing with questions about his sexual preferences.

Oh..and have him take a polygraph as a requirement of R. If he's been honest,he'll jump at the chance to prove it. If he is lying,you'll know by his refusal. could leave him. He sounds beyond sick. You say you havent trusted him in a long just havent had the guts to leave him...we can help you with that.

And I agree...he sounds very creepy. Scary creepy. How old were the two girls outside the department store? Did they tell you what he had done to be called a pervert? You know he is lying to you..right? Two girls aren't going to start yelling at a man because he commented on their purple hair. He either said,or did,something highly inappropriate.

You said you intercepted emails to a "young girl." How old was she? How old was he?

[This message edited by confused615 at 11:52 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)]

1Faith posted 7/24/2013 11:50 AM

Oh my

Creepy does not begin to describe this.

He is lying and has been lying to cover his tracks. And for how many years?

I am so sorry but I think you know your husband has serious issues. SERIOUS.

I would get tested for STD's immediately. Regardless of if you have physical contact with him now or not. If you have in the past - get tested to make sure you are okay.

You are so NOT overreacting.

What is it that you want from him at this point? Anything? Nothing?

So sorry you are here but I would say you need to make some type of break. To your point, you are his wife not his mother or babysitter.


3019lily posted 7/24/2013 11:58 AM

The two girls who yelled at him were probably in their early twenties. He was in his fifties. The girl who he was instant messaging was, I believe, 21. It's just very hard, after all these years, to think about a life on my own.

1Faith posted 7/24/2013 12:05 PM

But aren't you alone now?
You might be sharing space but he is spending his time, money and efforts on OW/OM.

He is not with you or dedicating his time and energy to you.

(((gently)))I would rather spend time with my girlfriends or reading a book by myself than worrying if my husband is going to give me an STD because he is sleeping with online hook ups from both genders.

This only stops when you say it does.

You aren't going to change him. He has to want to change. You are enabling him by allowing for it to happen.

How much time and energy do you waste checking up on him because in your heart you know what he is up to and the type of man he is?

I understand fear of being alone, we all do.

I have to ask, however, will there ever be a deal breaker for you? If so, what is it?

What do you want for YOU?

confused615 posted 7/24/2013 12:10 PM

How does he treat you..aside from all of this garbage? Is he kind? Supportive? Compassionate? Does he help around the house? Im guessing he is cold and distant..right?

I understand you are scared. You don't have to make any decisions today. Take your time. Get your ducks in a row. Are you able to take care of yourself financially? Do your children know about their father's behavior?

The young girl he was caught emailing..21? Did he tell you that,or did you find out on your own?

What has he told you as far as the men on craigslist are concerned? Have you checked there to see if he has an account? Try to log in,using his email accounts...if that doesn't work..the keylogger will show you any secret accounts he has..and passwords. I would wait until the keylogger picked it up,then go to craigslist and log will show you all the ads he has placed.

hathnofury posted 7/24/2013 14:26 PM

I am so sorry. You are in the right place to get good advice.

I am afraid this is the tip of the iceberg, and it will only get worse. And if you stay, you may be putting yourself at more risk than STDs...when anonymous encounters are involved, you have other crazies to worry about that could hurt you or your kids. And to be honest it is only a matter of time before he has a run-in with the law or worse. You may want to reconsider that being alone might be way safer and better for you.

There is a new reference thread about WS that use anonymous encounters in JFO. Please read it.

Best of luck. Keep posting.

ineedtoleave posted 7/24/2013 14:28 PM

RE: the fear of being alone... think of it more as being FREE. Your own schedule. You do what you want. You don't have to clean up after him... just think about this side of it... (((3019lily)))

3019lily posted 7/24/2013 22:22 PM

Aside from all of this stuff, he does treat me well. He does housework, dishes, laundry. Takes me out to dinner a couple of times a week. Pays all of the bills. And, if it weren't for all of the other garbage, would be a great husband. So it makes it even harder. As far as the girl he was instant messaging, I noticed he was on AIM and I signed into his account. I saw he was messaging her and I made believe I was him and started chatting with her.
I asked where she lived and she said "I told you". I asked if we could meet and she said "I told you my car is broke down". So I don't think there was actually any meeting there.

doesitgetbetter posted 7/25/2013 12:09 PM

3019, not to throw a monkey wrench out there, but my H also trolled craigslist for no strings attached hookups. Started with women, then he started trolling the m4m section too. Pictures were emailed both directions, etc. etc. On DDay, I found his secret email account accidentally. There were exactly 3 emails in the in box, and 1400 in the sent box. I read every one of them.

Every email I did find indicated no meetings had taken place. One email I found alluded to H cheating on me in the past when speaking to a person he was trying to hook up with.

I confronted him, and he admitted that he had hooked up with 3 OW for ONS's. He said that the affair that he alluded to was fake, he was just trying to get the person more comfortable with being with him since he was married. 5 months later I found out there were 4 OW, and one lasted for 18 months. NONE of that stuff was in those emails that I found!

In the end, my H told me that everytime he actually hooked up with a person, he would immediately delete their emails, as well as the emails he'd sent to them from his sent folder. He wanted to basically scrub that person from existence, and he did. So just because you don't find anything hard in his emails, doesn't mean it didn't happen. Also, there's no saying that your WH didn't meet that last OW that you chatted with by driving out to see her, or by meeting her where her bus stop was, or whatever. Just because her car is broken doesn't mean nothing happened. Where there's a will, there's a way.

Sneaky tip: I used to get on my H's IM (after DDay) and I would wait for someone to contact him. I would then play dumb and say "I have so many fantasies about us that I can't separate reality from fiction anymore. Tell me, what is real with us". They would think it was all romantic sounding and steamy, so they would tell me. And then I would tell them that I was the BW, and to never contact my H again (plus maybe a few choice words).

cliffside posted 7/26/2013 07:55 AM

So sorry you're going through this. Please focus on your gut. Your gut says his behavior is creepy. That is not good. He definitely sounds like a sex addict.

I'm going to say this very gently....
The girls in the parking lot - around 21, the girl on AIM, 21. Is there any chance he's trolling for younger girls? I mean younger than legal age?

You sound like a strong person. Trust your gut. It's always right!!! If I were you I would see a lawyer and find out my options. Knowledge is power.

Lastly, how old is your son now? I would be very weary of anything he may see on the computer. And what happened in the parking lot. Your son was there, that's not healthy.

Hugs to you, you will get through this.

3019lily posted 7/26/2013 20:04 PM

My son is now 22 years old and living in another state. I've tried to protect both of my kids from their dad's behavior. (I also have a daughter, 28). Strangely, my gut is telling me (maybe wrongly?) that he's emailing for the thrill, but not brave enough to act on it. But I'll never be able to trust him again, and I've already told him that there's not going to be anymore physical contact. I don't think he's attracted to minors, but he's always had a thing for young women (he used to like Jennifer Anniston until she turned 40. He said she's too old!) So now I've purchased WebWatcher to install on his computer. So, we'll see what happens.

3019lily posted 7/27/2013 10:42 AM

Been arguing w/him all morning. He just wants to go back to "normal". Yeah, right. Says he only answered the Craigslist ad as a joke and wanted me to find it. Again, yeah, right. I told him I want him to take a polygraph and he agreed. But I think he will try to weasel out of it. I told him to get help and he says (of course) he doesn't need it and he can stop at any time! I did check his craigslist acct. and he did post two ads for women back in July 2011. When I told him this he said "we must've had a fight that day". As if that's justification. Still trying to get Webwatcher to work with my Norton antivirus, but don't have access to his computer till tomorrow. AND he told me that I need help, because I'm "cranky". HAH! Gee, I can't imagine why.
And he keeps saying he never cheated on me. Because he loves me! So I guess love means putting the person you're with through hell!

MissMarple posted 8/7/2013 19:37 PM

Ugh. I'm so sorry that you're in this mess. My WH also used craiglist, and I'm still not sure of just how many women he was with. Much danger in these encounters. My DDay happened because the police got involved. The last ad he responded to was a con artist, and she stole from him, and then had some guys threaten him, and claimed she was underage if he went to the cops. I also got STD's from my WH, and he still isn't cleared from HIV, needs to be retested. Please make sure you are safe. I kicked WH out of the house. I did not feel safe around him. Still don't. He is SA (sex addict). He is going to Sexaholics Annonymous, and sees a therapist.

If your gut tells you that he isn't safe, trust your gut.

CheaterMagnet posted 8/7/2013 19:44 PM

Men don't ask for sexual favors from other men..unless they are gay or bisexual.

Lord, how I wish people would quit saying this! It simply isn't true. Heterosexual men DO as for sexual favors from men. Especially sex addicts. It has nothing to do with orientation and everything to do with the addiction. As SAWH said, "a mouth is a mouth."

People are hurting enough on here and don't need misinformation. There are very few absolutes in life. And with these sick fuckers, anything is possible.

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