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Newest Member: ChumpInMP (46060)

User Topic: Do they ever own up?
Heller
♂ 39966
Member # 39966
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's been almost 10 years and my wife, whom I caught red handed is still not truthful. By that I mean she has never told the entire truth, not that she's still seeing him, although that bothers me. If it's truly over, why not just say what happened?

Posts: 5 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Indiana
kmbr
♀ 10550
Member # 10550
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A couple of thoughts: maybe she can't stand to admit what she's done (if she says it, it's true) and maybe she thinks if you hear it, you will reject her.


Me: BW 35
Him: WH 36
Married: July '02
Dday: 03/16/06

Posts: 551 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: AL
cancuncrushed
♀ 28156
Member # 28156
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H literally stares at me. He used to deny. Now, he says nothing. 5 years out. IMHO I think he knows I would have to leave. SO ... this is how it stays. I have no way of proving anything. Its all inside company, out of state. Files are private. He is hoping it goes away. After 5 years, hes starting to realize it is not. I am really hurt. And he did this.


a trigger yesterday

Posts: 1113 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: athome
WhatsRight
♀ 35417
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine has been 7 years. He no longer will discuss it with me. He knows I don't believe lots of what he has told me. He knows I am not leaving.

The only reason I can come up with why he won't 'own up' is because there is more to tell, he doesn't want to hurt me, AND he doesn't want to have to admit to himself what he has done.

Sorry for all of your situations - but I have to say it is a bit comforting to know that I'm not the only one still hurting and dealing with all this so many years out.


"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy


Posts: 1889 | Registered: Apr 2012
crazyblindsided
♀ 35215
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think they do. At least the ones who didn't come clean on their own.

When my WH gives me a hard time about questions concerning his A's I tell him that he can either clear the air or I will assume on my own what happened and it may be worse than the truth.

Cowards I think mine knows I would leave him too if I knew the 'real' story.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
Unagie
♀ 37091
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I desperately wanted to come clean and told everything I could think of. Hell I told the truth about "white lies" that I had ever told. Anything I could think of got blurted out in spurts as the memories came rushing back. It got to the point where he said he knew all the major points and he didn't care about anything else. He wanted no more details. It's all here if he wants anymore but I've told him everything I could remember. I wish I got the same back from him. I never will and that's a consequence of me staying.

ETA: I do think he's talking to a new woman. New discovery this week but no solid proof.

[This message edited by Unagie at 1:33 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)]


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"There are times when our reality is nothing but pain, and to escape that pain the mind must leave reality behind." Patrick Rothfuss


Posts: 2813 | Registered: Oct 2012
kiki1
♀ 37184
Member # 37184
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for starting this thread Heller!!

I am three years out and h and i still argue about him giving me the truth!!! Its been every night this week and i am drained.

10 years!! How have you stood it all this time? i'm ready to throw in the towel.

Reading these posts helps me to understand. i understand he is ashamed. Why wasnt he so ashamed when he was screwing them and stopped it?

i suppose it is much more shameful when i'm looking in his face and now i know.

I also know he is afraid i would leave him now if he told the whole truth. I have suspicions, I'm strong enough to ask for the truth, and I'm still here arent I??

Of course, he also says he doesnt want to hurt me further. Can you hurt me anymore than you already have? it hurts more to be given half truths than the full truth.

It makes things so much harder and painful to work through.

Can they truly love you and still cause you pain??

ugh, it pisses me off


Posts: 701 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: new york
Dallas2
♀ 28362
Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine hasn't and I know he doesn't want to but I can't live with him as my H anylonger until I feel I have the truth. I think it is hard for most WS to face what they did and the trauma it cased. I do wonder though if what they keep to themselves is just selfish on their part.


Me

Posts: 828 | Registered: Apr 2010
Crushed1
♀ 6449
Member # 6449
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Some do (own up). But my H isn't one of them. It will be 8 years on Aug. 2, that he confessed the bare minimum fact that he had sex with her and the next week he tried to take that back and said he "just made it up" because I "wanted to hear that". Of course, that's the LAST thing I ever wanted to hear, but I wanted the truth and that was it.

Like you, I don't understand why they don't just come clean and say what happened. Guilt, shame and humiliation are major factors in keeping the secret, also fear that the BS will leave...probably many reasons figure in, it depends on the person.


~~"You can't run away from yourself"!!! Me to my H when he descended into adultery insanity.
~~Prov.15:13 "By sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken"
~~"The day breaks-your mind aches"
~STRENGTH~PEACE~HOPE~FAITH

Posts: 9906 | Registered: Feb 2005 | From: Texas
WhatsRight
♀ 35417
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do wonder though if what they keep to themselves is just selfish on their part.

I wonder this, too. AND, worse, I wonder if he is keeping it to himself to keep me out of that part of his life on purpose, AND EVEN WORSE, to think back on it with fondness.

God, I hate being so cynical.


"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy


Posts: 1889 | Registered: Apr 2012
MoreWould
♂ 37982
Member # 37982
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's been over 30 years for us. My FWW was never willing to admit to anything that I couldn't prove or deduce on my own, but I got what I thought was enough, R'd and happily married (40 years this Fall).

Part of the price I paid was brutal PTSD attacks triggered recently by coworkers' A. Back on the roller coaster, and enlisting FWW's help despite her "Aren't you over this yet?"

I now know that you don't ever "get over" this shit, you have to go through it. But what and how much, that's up to you.

In our case,I'm with kmbr. FWW is just too ashamed of herself to face it head on. I'm convinced she TT'd herself, not just me. That's not good for her, or me either, but she has channeled a lot of that energy into positive and productive things so it's not all bad.

And, despite it all, we are both still very much in love with each other.

[This message edited by MoreWould at 2:52 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)]


Me BH/WH, 63
Her WW/BW, 62
Her DDay Dec 1976 OMW at the door
My DDay, ~ 2years later, confessed ONS the next day
R via "Sweeping under the rug"
Still married, 40 yrs, mostly OK
2 kids, 24 & 20

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Colorado
suckstobeme
♀ 30853
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hmmm, this is coming from a BS whose spouse walked out, I can still tell you no, they don't. At least mine never has.

I think a lot of it has to do with their inability to face it. I didn't find out about OW until he was out of the house. After it was confirmed for me by others, he still never fessed up. He said they only started seeing each other after he left. Yet, his reasons for leaving we're so lame, I knew it couldn't have been anything else but another woman. I just was too upset to search for the evidence and figured she would surface soon enough.

To this day - almost three years later - I have still never heard even a shred of the truth. We have never even had a conversation about what happened. What i know, has been pieced together with evidence that i never even loooked for. I don't know what he was trying to save or protect by not telling me. I think it was one of the most cruel things ever. I tell people all the time that I was forced to end a fifteen year marriage without really ever being told why. I thought after all that time, I would have deserved that. He apparently doesn't agree.


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2913 | Registered: Jan 2011
Emotionalhell
♀ 39902
Member # 39902
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My fiancÚ hasn't owned up. I overheard a conversation between him & the other woman that made it clear to me that they were messing around. I have other proof too & he still denies it.
He makes excuses & says I don't remember saying that. Whatever.
Of corse you don't that means you'd have to take responsibilities for your actions.
He & the OW could also lose their jobs.

Posts: 86 | Registered: Jul 2013
64fleet
♂ 18710
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine still hasn't. Pretty sure she will take it to the grave.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5405 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
noescape
♂ 34888
Member # 34888
Default  Posted: 6:26 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

3 years and she won't own up. Like many others here, only the parts I deduced or dragged out through the TT. It's as much conflict avoidance and shame as it is keeping that fondness and 'attachment' to the AP(s). I really don't think it's about sparing us from more hurt, nor is it anything to do with actually 'forgetting'. It all boils down to remorse; if they are avoiding and denying (themselves) the truth, they are basically denying that they did something *that* wrong. It's not even about the fear of losing the M... Shame and poor self image can be a much more powerful force than actually wanting/trying to live an authentic life.

Posts: 739 | Registered: Feb 2012
3yrwait
♂ 29907
Member # 29907
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is good to know I am not alone in this category.
DDay was 6 years ago and WW does the minimum. There won't be another A, but there also won't be counseling, confessions, discussion, apologies, forgiveness, giving of oneself, healing. Owning up would mean she was not the victim, and being the victim is what is most important to her.


Me: BH (early 40s)
Her: WW (early 40s)
Married 15 years
1 daughter, under 10
DDay July 2007

Posts: 469 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: 3yrwait
cancuncrushed
♀ 28156
Member # 28156
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yeah, but does anyone feel safe without them owning up? and doing all this work? I do, but only minute to minute. If he does any looking, it goes back to zero. He is trying, but it can go back to level 1 very fast.


a trigger yesterday

Posts: 1113 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: athome
Heller
♂ 39966
Member # 39966
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks to all for the responses. I know the reasons vary, but, looks like the consensus is they hope it just goes away. Well screwing her lover in my bed while I was in another state burying my dad was just unbelievable and I do think she thinks I somehow drove her to it. I just wonder if I'm stupid to just stay and continue to pay all the bills?

Posts: 5 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Indiana
pewpewpew
♀ 38116
Member # 38116
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I see that it rarely happens - at least on here.
Mine hasn't admitted to anything than what I already knew. He never will.
I'm hoping with time and transparency we will repair what's happened. I'm OK if that doesn't happen, either.


ME: 32
WH: 36
DDay: July 9, 2012

Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, pack your shit and get out.

Fool me once - Shame on you. Fool me twice - pack your shit and get out.


Posts: 310 | Registered: Jan 2013
Topic Posts: 19

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