March 23rd,4 months ago, in the context of 43 years, is "Just Found Out" to me.
The love of my life, for more than 43 years, died suddenly of heart failure not quite one year ago. We had raised three children together,
2 of mine and 1 of ours together, as well as 2 grandchildren. He was deeply respected and loved by a wide community of disparate people. He championed transparency and honesty in all his dealings at work, in political office, socially.
Four months ago today, while looking for some missing keys, I ended up searching in his private office which I had always honored.
In an open wooden box I found a little pile of letters and cards, and some objects; various photos of a friend of his whom I had liked when she stayed with us. Curious that they had been addressed to my husband c/o his good friend I started looking more closely. They were passionate, poetic, funny, often erotic, very beautifully written. Heartfelt love letters.I was devastated. Blindsided, my grieving for my husband had all of a sudden torqued. Like an auger grinding into my gut. My aching heart was seared and each new clue and thought was like a jackboot kick in my stomach.
The woman who had written the letters; given him little love tokens; begged him to drive the four hours to her house instead of meeting,or her coming to our house, had been his first great love in his teen years. I became obsessed in my agony over this betrayal, with no opportunity to confront my husband since he is dead..
10 weeks later I called his mistress, saying I was driving through and wanted to return a book she had loaned my husband. I had written her a letter which I was going to give her acknowledging their love and naming his hypocrisy and cowardliness and her collusion in not insisting he divorce. I collected some really good photos of my husband; assembled her letters and tokens; made her a shadow box focused on his hands of which she described for him a voluptuary morning meditation she had devised.I even put some of his ashes in a handmade pot with a card saying Since you shared the living man with me for all those years it is fitting that I share his ashes with you.
These tasks were undertaken as an expression of my anger and betrayal. Trying to keep my dignity in tact. We met. I asked her how long they had been connecting.
She replied "always. But we didn't start having sex until 15 years ago" I nearly collapsed. That had coincided with increasing difficulty in my marriage. We are old, she and I, and so was my husband!
I had sought therapy a number of times over the years to try to understand my role in receiving his coldness, his remoteness. His refusal to make love for so many years. Then he began being outright cruel. I thought several times of leaving him but my self worth and my shame at being treated so badly paralyzed me. There seemed no future on my own. Still doesn't.
The two of them succeeded in concealing their dual life from everyone; mutual friends, family and most especially me. My denial and fear of confrontation played right into their game while my unhappiness and repressing my hurt seriously affected my health. My efforts at giving my husband breathing space created the perfect opportunity for them to breathe "sweet nothings". I had no clue.
I have been seeing therapists, writing, taking antidepressants, and doing everything I can to try to get out of this rut that I'm in. I can't even grieve my loss without his mistress being in my "movie". The selfishness and dishonesty of what became their way of life robbed me and demeaned me. My husband didn't honor me as a woman and he did not honor me as a human being. I loved him, desired him,respected and admired his brilliance and intellectual intelligence . . .still do though he's dead.
Unbeknown to me my life was a sham and a joke for so many years. This leaves a special kind of despair about what the future may hold. I'm told time will help, lots of time. We shall see.I am so disheartened and tired.
So that's my story.
