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For the last nearly 3 weeks since discovery, my wife has been remorseful and ashamed and always gentle around me. She awoke this morning tired, more tired than usual. I asked her if she knew why, and she had no idea. I mentioned it in chat on the way to work. She just called to tell me something about one of our kids. I asked if she knew why she was tired, and she SNAPPED at me. "NO! I have NO idea!! You keep asking me and I have no answer for you!"

What the actual fuck was that?! Is she risking pissing me off because she's done? I'm teetering between being furious and being shattered because I put everything on the line again to rebuild our marriage. Not sure how to react at this stage.

I was exactly where you are at after DDay. You question everything and want to understand why the sky is blue and the grass is green or is it?

Why is your wife tired? Is there a reason? Was she up thinking about something, someone, us? What isn't she telling me? You are trying to grasp your world and it's hard. I would simply say "you hurt my feelings when you snapped at me this morning". Own your feelings and be honest about them.

I realized that I was so hyperaware and angry because that was safer than being sad and vulnerable.

If I let myself be in the marriage...really IN...then I was risking all that pain again.

I learned that good people sometimes make horrible mistakes, but the truly good people deserve a second chance if they are willing to work their butts off to earn forgiveness.

Maybe not even forgiveness. I have not fully forgiven my FWH. That would feel like I let him off the hook for his heinous behavior. No way!

I just accepted what he did, let that be our past and began to focus on how he is NOW and our future.

It was just a shift in my thinking. It became all about what has he done for me lately?

Then, I started to see the man I knew I wanted to be with forever and I began to let my guard down. But boy it took a lot of time.

Life is better when you're not angry all the time. It's hard to let that go when you fear the only other emotion you have inside is deep sadness for the loss you have suffered.

I'm here to tell you...that's not all you have. You have today. you have tomorrow. You get to choose what that looks like.

You're gonna get better. I promise. Try to shift your thinking a bit and you'll see.

Live in today and yesterday will begin to fade. It'll never disappear. You don't have to feel like your letting your WW off the hook, but it will fade and today will matter more...much more.

It is still very new for you. Give it time. Give your self the freedom and space to breathe.

(((hugs)))

[This message edited by 1Faith at 3:54 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)]

It is way too early to think that she is done. Both of your emotions are all over the place right now.
Early on, my WH would lash out at me also. He would be defensive and angry at me. Of course,he was actually angry at himself, the situation, the shit-storm he had created.
With time, a LOT of work, a LOT of talking, a LOT of compassion on both of our parts, that all changed.
I used to have a mantra that I would walk and repeat, over and over.

"I can leave anytime I want to...I can leave anytime I want to.......I can..."

It would dampen the anxiety and calm me down. It was the truth, I could leave anytime I wanted to. And then I would just get through another day.
You don't have to decide anything right now. I know that JFOs hate to hear that it will take two to five years to heal from a betrayal. That is the truth though, and the truth for both of you. You just want to fix it immediately because the pain is so intense. You can see no way that you can live with that pain for a week, let alone, years. But you can, because the pain subsides with time.
We all cope with pain in different ways. Some people with rigorous exercise, medications, counselling, etc.
Myself, after rarely using alchohol in my life, I drank almost everyday for well over a year. I also finally got on anti-depressants. I hate to take any kind of medication, but the anxiety was killing me, literally.

It has been over two and a half years, and I have weaned myself off the anti-depressants and I rarely have a drink anymore.

The turning point in our early discussions was when I was able to acknowledge my part in him being unhappy with our marriage. I made it very clear that did not excuse an affair, wrong path for fixing anything, but I did understand why he was unhappy.
He relaxed a bit after that. I still had rages and ranted and raved at him, but he hung in there.

So sorry you are suffering so. It truly is HORRIBLE!

Maybe she's having a bad day..or maybe her "remorse" has been regret..and she's tired of pretending to be remorseful. true remorse,IMO,reveals itself with time. true remorse will last forever..not just a few weeks.

I say this with respect, but it very well could be that she is very tired and has no idea why. Being tired always makes me very cranky. If someone kept asking me why I was tired when I was tired and cranky, I would probably snap too.

It could very well be you are reading way more into this than you need to. We all have bad days from time to time.

Thank you for your feedback ... all of you. And she HAS been acting slow and foggy today. I suppose even the most dedicated person who wants to do whatever it takes to be forgiven and to reconcile slows down or stumbles from time to time?

I suppose even the most dedicated person who wants to do whatever it takes to be forgiven reconcile slows down or stumbles from time to time

Not sure if this a tangent to your thread or not, but this line stuck out to me. Maybe it's the way you wrote it, or maybe I am projecting here.

But "wanting to be forgiven" is about her. Wanting to be forgiven means I don't want to feel like shit about myself anymore, once he forgives me, I am in the clear and don't have to figure out the why's or hows. (again, just my view)

Now, if a person desperately wants to help a BS get through the betrayal and heal the relationship, then that (to me) is more indicative of remorse.

It's probably from a lack of sleep.
I know that I'm not at my best when I've had a bad night.