SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

cuppacoffee posted 7/24/2013 12:24 PM

We received an invite for a wedding. We are excited to go. yea!!! The bride has an online RSVP so I was able to peek and see the OW is not on the list. whew! We have already not attended a few things because she might be there.

SO the husband was talking with a girl from work. Her bf can't go with her to the wedding so she was thinking about inviting the OW. The husband was scared to tell me. I just found out I'm pregnant and I'll be like 12 weeks at the wedding and since this isn't my first pregnancy you'll be able to see it.

He is trying to think of a way to tell the friend not to bring the OW. That will lead to the friend to ask questions. He of course doesn't want to tell her why. I told him maybe you shouldn't have slept with a coworker if you embarassed for people to find out.

OW tried contacting the husband the other day which he (we) ignored. I am guessing she will jump at the chance to see him.

So what would you do? I'd really like to go to the wedding and I am not going to make a scene to ruin someone else's day.

OldCow18 posted 7/24/2013 12:27 PM

Ugh... Do you know if Friend's invite said Friend & BF or Friend & Guest?

cuppacoffee posted 7/24/2013 12:30 PM

I don't know. This friend from work that is getting married, the husband, and the friend have all worked and known each other for 5 years. The girl getting married is marrying another guy they all had worked with. More than likely we would all be at the same table.

I think the friend told my husband she didn't want to go alone and she takes the OW with her.

The husband used to go out and get stupid drunk with all of them.

I don't think he ever thought this A was going to effect our lives.

Happydays posted 7/24/2013 12:32 PM

I would go regardless.
Make your husband hold your hand throughout sending the message.
Ow doesn't deserve any head space.
Go and enjoy yourself. Ignore OW.

kiki1 posted 7/24/2013 12:38 PM

Where do these ow with balls the size of Texas come from?

yes, the ws's never think the affair will affect they're marriage cause they dont think they'll get caught.

I'd like to say i'd go to the wedding and hold my head up high, but I dont think i honestly could.

I would not be comfortable being around the ow and would not go. And that sucks, but that's part of my new life now. There are many places now i no longer feel comfortable going to.

If you feel strong enough in your relationship with your h and the ow "jumps at the chance to see him", it may be a good thing for her to see you together and understand she is no more.

ugh, i could never sit at the same table, i would be reaching over it to punch her face and pull her hair

Rebreather posted 7/24/2013 12:42 PM

Is your dday just in May? If so, I'd really discourage being anywhere your WH would see the OW.

In addition, I don't know if you have considered this, but weddings can be very, VERY hard after dday. We went to one 2 years after our dday and listening to the vows was so hard that had I been on the end of a row, I would have fled. I was trapped in the middle and I thought I was going to die or kill someone, or loudly shout WHAT A LOAD OF HORSESHIT!

Just fyi.

SuperDuperWonderboy posted 7/24/2013 12:50 PM

What Rebreather said.

Weddings right after DDay can be really triggery. Shoot, just looking at my wedding photos still triggers me a bit.

(That being said, you can fight through the triggers..it just isn't easy--and it isn't fun)

WhatsRight posted 7/24/2013 12:58 PM

I was wondering...Since your husband doesn't want to 'out' himself to the co-worker, would it be possible for him to just say that there was a 'falling out' and it would make the day a bit uncomfortable for her to come - and ask if she might bring someone else?

Also, Rebreather...

I thought I was going to die or kill someone, or loudly shout WHAT A LOAD OF HORSESHIT

This is hysterical and heartbreaking at the same time. I have had the same feeling - also when watching movies or TV and people are - well, doing that icky love stuff. Makes me want to puke - and normally I LOVE that sort of stuff.

cuppacoffee...

It sounds like you would really love to go - and would have a great time with your H. That is, if the OW is not there - but if she was there...it would be horrible.

Maybe you could decide based on how you would feel about going - after you find out if the OW is going.

Do what will make you happy. You and your fabulous unborn baby deserve those good feelings and the positive effect they will have on him/her.

I hope it all works out. HUGS

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 12:59 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)]

cuppacoffee posted 7/24/2013 12:59 PM

We have two other weddings to attend before this one too. I am just goin to a hot mess. We celebrated our anniversary about a month after d day.

Part of me wants to tell the ow to not go but I think that will just make her want to go more.

Or I tell her bf what she did before the moved in with each other.

The a started as an ea last August and turned pa in November. Since December through may they were just friends aka trying to cover their asses.

I would love to just punch her in the face.

cuppacoffee posted 7/24/2013 13:02 PM

The ow transferred to a new location after the a because of the a.

I think if he tells the friend it was a falling out she would then ask the ow about it. It's going to come out. I know it. I just don't want to look like a fool.

Jospehine85 posted 7/24/2013 13:09 PM

Don't go.

The wedding day should be the bride's special day. She doesn't deserve the risk of drama from guests.

Rebreather posted 7/24/2013 13:11 PM

He doesn't have to give any more info than "we've had a falling out." He can just say, "I really can't discuss it further."

Personally, I wouldn't go. I just see no reason to purposefully torture myself.

Spideysense posted 7/24/2013 13:58 PM

This is a very tricky situation. I think I would opt not to go. As a FWW, i am now leary of being around anyone in general that I "grew close to" during my lta-that is all the new drinking buddies i made and new friends that i "needed to go hang out with-i.e. use as excuses to see OM" While those people are in general nice people and i do at times enjoy their company, I associate them with that period of my life that i am ashamed of and although they didn't know or encourage my A, they did encourage me to stay out make bad decisions, disrespect my marriage (not blaming them-they were all young single childless living that life) anyway, what im saying is that they arent my nearest and dearest friends and I in general have severely restricted any time or interaction with them at all, im not comfortable around them anymore so I wouldnt necessarily want to go be at a table surrounded by them anyway and I would not want to put my BH through it either as I know he also must associate them with that time in my life. edited to add-i only say this because you mention your WH used to hang out with them get drunk be a ball of fun with them 9as i was with the people i am referring too).

Now as a BW, I wouldnt want to risk it. I like going to weddings, they are like date night for my H and I, i dont like to miss them, in your situation I would be ok missing this one since you have two other opportunities to go to weddings, feel pretty, dance with your husband, etc. I just think that a wedding where OW could possibly be is trigger city. Even leading up to getting ready for it will be stressful and triggering, do you look good enough (dont worry you will) is she really going to be there, what if she stops in anyway, what if all the work friends at the table start talking about her and how its a shame she isnt there, what if her name comes up in conversation AT ALL...those would all be triggers for me and make me uncomfortable the entire night so much that I wouldnt be able to enjoy myself anyway.
At the most, if my H felt an obligation to go i would possibly attend the wedding itself and not the reception, however a better plan for me would be to get dressed up, to feel good about myself and to have spend that night on a wonderful date with my husband, maybe something new, or possibly an old favorite...a night where my h and i are focusing only on each other and no what ifs about the OW.
Again as both a FWW and a BW i cannot imagine any situation where either you OR your h would be comfortable at this event.
i tend to ramble, hope this made sense

[This message edited by Spideysense at 1:59 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)]

hurtincolorado posted 7/24/2013 18:07 PM

Does OW know you know? If so drop her a line and tell her not to go as you don't want things to get messy. My guess is she will back off as most women don't want to be known as the tramp who ruins marriages.