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RSEB posted 7/24/2013 12:57 PM

I am a FWW, who had a 6 year LTA, DDay was Nov of 2009. I have been in complete NC for over 3 years. I have tried everything. I have read all the books, am constantly reading here on SI, I try to share with BH, doesn't really work. I give him books, he never reads them. He won't go to MC, we have gone since DDay about 12 times I would say, to a MC my BH really likes, but when the MC wants to see him for IC he went once and then he won't go back. I am still in IC. My BH is STILL SO angry. We are at 3.5 years. He still lashes out, he keeps at a distance. When I try to bring up the A to him because I tell him I can tell he is having a hard time due to his distance, he says he doesn't want to talk about it because I won't like what he is going to say (as his voice is steadily getting louder). In my IC I have discussed my unhappiness because we don't have a M. What we have is us drifting along with basic conversation, but the minute any bit of disagreement comes up, my BH gets to a yelling voice (as he likes to say he is venting), he brings whatever the topic around full circle to somehow mention my A, and that I gave up my rights etc etc etc. So in IC I am coming to see that maybe I am the one who can no longer wait. I have been working my butt off to make him feel safe (as safe as is possible for a BS). Our MC, my IC say they can't think of anything else I can do and she wonders how long I can continue on like this. Then I start to feel that isn't fair because my guilt comes into play and I realize that my A is what caused his pain.

Then I go back, to before the A, which has been rewritten by my BH enormously. He constantly tells me how happy and in love he was. Someone who is SO in love does not come home in a loud aggressive manor towards his W and children any given day. A Happy H does not have to sit outside in his car before he comes in the house telling himself NOT TO YELL and to "be happy". I found a letter I wrote him in our Memory box a few weekends ago. This was over two years before my A began. I told him that he does not have the right to "yell and vent at his wife when ever he feels like it when he walks in the door". I asked him to leave his negativity out of our home. I told him I loved him and that I was not angry but that this had to end. I also wrote at the end that someone who has to constantly tell themselves that they are happy, can't really be happy and I asked him to think about that.

Now I didn't show him the note when I found it because I know he will just turn it around to me having the A. I just know there are SO many things that went on in our M that I turned away from. In my flaw I was never strong enough to stand up to him. I would keep my mouth shut. I always told myself he didn't mean it, or some other excuse. Now his anger is SO strong that his venting happens and he honestly believes that I don't have any choice but to accept it. He says he is "surviving" and he can't give me anything more then that. Does anyone think he will get to a point anywhere in the future where he will want to try and face this mess I made and for us to work through it as a unit? I am doubting any chance of it more and more as every day passes.

I am afraid, I am hurting, I feel guilty, I am worried, but somewhere deep down, aside from all of that there is this little light that is getting brighter and giving me strength.

Thanks for listening

Spideysense posted 7/24/2013 14:08 PM

I am sorry I have no advice, hopefully someone with more experience will have something more helpful, just wanted to let you know that you situation is one that I worry about frequently. Now I am nowhere near your timeline in our R, but i do still fear that he may always want to punish me and that we will never truly be happy again, and then i feel bad for thinking that because I lied, deceived, disrespected him and our marriage for 4 years, i deserve what i get.
Again, hope someone comes along with some advice. based upon what you wrote, it does sound like you are a remorseful person and have made the do still deserve happiness in your life.

tired girl posted 7/24/2013 19:42 PM


You come on here every few months asking for the same advice and in the same place. What do YOU want? Your H has shown you that he is going to use the A to continue his behavior. So where are your boundaries, what have you learned in the past three years? Have you gotten healthy to the point that you understand what your choices are?

tryingmybest2011 posted 7/24/2013 21:45 PM


It sounds to me like your BH is using your affair and your guilt to to indulge his "unhappiness", which has been simmering for a while...probably long before RESB ever came into the picture.

Happiness. *sigh*

I read recently that we should not confuse happiness with self-indulgence. It really stuck with me.

Your A caused pain. Absolutely. And from your post, it sounds like you are doing what you can to address that. Thank you for doing that, because many WH do not.

Your WH has anger (pain) that exists separately, as is evidenced by his behaviour pre-A. He needs to own that, and not lump it in with the A issues. Where does one end and the other begin?

So very complicated. But, you do have a choice here. Perhaps it's not bad enough for you to make that choice yet. I wish you well.

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